What my feminism demands:

The other day my grandmother was telling me about her career back in the day, and how she had studied so hard, and worked so much in her younger days. I sensed a tone of sadness and regret, so I asked her why she stopped working, when she enjoyed it so much? What followed was the conversation that will explain to you why, you and I – need feminism.

She said she stopped because when we were born, when she had grandchildren she was about to begin another ambitious adventure when my nana asked her to take care of me instead. He insisted that when there are such small children at home, why work?

*My nana was a beautiful grandfather, he loved me more than anything else in this world and never let a thing happen to me, but he, much like all men everywhere, was raised in a patriarchal society.

The fact is, that men often only truly acknowledge the unjust in this world towards women when they have daughters – even though they have always had wives. And that, must change.

Anyway, I asked her what having children / grandchildren has to do with her working? Why couldn’t he take care of us? Or how come his career didn’t take a hit when he had grandchildren? Why couldn’t they both work part time to help mum?

I wanted to try and learn if she understood that the decision to not keep working or the inability to know how to use an ATM or take a cab on her own or even handle her own finances, made her so dependent on the people around her.

She laughed, a laugh I know oh so well and often flinch at because I am suddenly, well aware, of the big elephant in the room – feminism. She laughs and says “suno, tumhara feminism ab har jaga nahi chalega… mein khud bhi yeh hi chahti thi, to be around you whenever you were there, to cook for people and call them over”

Translate: “Your feminism won’t work everywhere. I also wanted to stay at home and take care of you whenever you were around, I wanted to call people over and cook nice meals for them, that was my choice”

Except I wasn’t blaming her – I was blaming the system. I was pointing out that we as a society have opted a system that actively oppresses women in ways that demand of them to take up less space. An upbringing that teaches them that their own dreams and ambitions are not as important as their husbands or their families. Even though I am labeled as some hectic “feminazi” / “bra burning feminist” I still often find myself putting my partners need above my own. Imagine that.

She said “my feminism won’t work everywhere” as though that was a good thing even though for generations we have witnessed that the lack of feminism, is harming us. The way that we as a society raise our children has been limiting for everybody but cis het men. Patriarchy, traditions, culture – all of this DOES restrict women. It fails to acknowledge the LGBTQIA+ communities and it absolutely creates an unfair environment for everybody, believe it or not – including cis het men.

Just because a lot of women are ‘proud’ of the way they have chosen to live their life in patriarchal ways does not mean that it does not / hasn’t / didn’t harm others. That it doesn’t still actively oppress women everywhere. For many, many women – it is not a choice.

Obviously, she failed to see that “my feminism” would’ve helped many women all over the country be more independent and have more control over their decisions.

I noticed how quickly she deflected the conversation to “being around my grandchildren was my choice – not his” to which I said I completely understand. If it’s her choice, it’s absolutely fine – but the mere act of a man asking / telling his wife not to work is the problem that we for some reason don’t want to acknowledge. It indicates that women often do not have this choice.

Imagine a world where men were raised to not think they had a say or an opinion in her life – because it wasn’t theirs. Imagine it, and I assure you that even then, we would take multiple generations for women to maybe stop living with this deeply injected guilt and lack of self worth.

I am not saying women that want to stop working when they have children / grandchildren, or should work regardless of what they actually want, or not continue to live the life that they have been conditioned to live obediently with their husbands.

What I am saying, is that my feminism, is a need of the hour – whether you like it and believe in it or not.

My feminism encourages a society where women are taught to have an identity of their own, to exist individually, as themselves – outside of their relationship to the men in their lives.

My feminism encourages parents to consciously weigh the pros and cons and then decide the kind of life they want to life as they tackle ways of being as fair and equal to each other as possible.

My feminism also tells women to make sure they are financially secure and not entirely dependent on their husbands – because wanting to be a mother and have a family is wonderful, but that family, that child, that house, that life isn’t really your own if you aren’t allowed to make your own decisions within it.

My feminism also demands that we create a society where women and the work they do every single day as home makers is acknowledged as real proper work. Work that they should be paid for. This is the work that allows men with families to go to their jobs every day because the women they marry / or sometimes their mothers continue to take care of the house / children / elderly / chores etc.

My feminism says we need to acknowledge that these women do not get holidays, weekends, health care, working hours, sick leaves, any financial security or pay check for all the fucking work they do every day – and hence they are further isolated from society as they become more dependent on their ‘working husbands’.

My feminism says that men too, should have the option and the right to become home makers or stay home / raise a family without feeling emasculated or less masculine.

While my feminism does not say that we should forcefully change the mindset of women from the generations before us, or start telling any women what the ‘right way’ to live life is – it sure as hell encourages you to step away from all this patriarchal conditioning and raise our generations with more equality, self worth and identity.

The truth is, raising women to take up less space is still telling them how to live – and while I can’t and won’t encourage undoing the damage we’ve already done to the people of our world today, I won’t stop working towards a better tomorrow – where there is a choice.