Why I’m taking a break from Love.

This year, I’m taking a little break from Love. I’m taking a break from love because of how much it aches. I’m taking a break not because I am giving up, and not because I am too weak, but because I don’t have it in me to deal with death anymore. I know this is my curse and my blessing, but I feel too much. Far more than most people do. I am sensitive and vulnerable, and when you see me trusting over and over again, it’s not because I’m too strong or too stubborn, it’s just that I do not know any other way to live life. Love is all I know. It runs through my body and my veins, I believe Love conquers all. It does make this world go round. It is humanity, it is magic.

When I fell in love with you, it really was magic. You made me want to become a better girl. A better friend. A better daughter. A better Human Being. You taught me what it feels like to Love unconditionally without expectations, you taught me what it feels to Love, knowing that this Love is not forever. I always believed that when two people really want to make it work, nothing in this world can stop them – but you’ve shown me that sometimes, it’s these two people that are the stoppers. Sometimes, you’re left with this heartbreaking choice between being yourself or being in Love… and what good is Love if you’re no longer yourself?

I’m taking a break from Love because I can’t take a break from Life. Unfortunately those that came before us have made it impossible for us to be in Love. I bet their intentions were well, but they’ve broken the little links left that existed to unite people. You and me, as two human beings, are perfect for each other. But unfortunately, we are labeled and defined by casts, cultures, religions, statuses, languages, morals and ethics that divide us. I would leave it all for you, but I know I can’t expect the same because in order for you to be yourself, you mustn’t leave.

I’m taking a break from Love because the boundaries built by society that separate us, breaks my heart. We weren’t born to be divided and when the end is near, we all want the same thing. We are born from the same land, and we return to the same one too. Yet, every step of this living breath that I take, I am torn apart from you.

I’m taking a break from Love because while you see an ending as a new beginning – I see death. I see something that we created, with love and passion and jealousy and companionship. With every little day I saw it grow and blossom and today – its dying, and I can’t do anything about it. I strongly believe that when two people fall in love, they recreate. It may not be in the form of a human child – but it’s a creation that’s beyond sight. It’s a creation you feel and experience every time you see him smile. With every sight and every touch. You feel it in every bone of your body. When something like that dies, it takes away a huge part of you.

I’m taking a break from Love because I need to mourn. And there’s only so much I can mourn. If you remember getting that one phone call when you were told that someone you loved very much has just passed away, then you know this feeling. You want to try everything to go back in time & save them. But instead of a phone call, now imagine sitting next to their bed and watching the ventilator being pulled out and being helpless about it. You sit there and you watch them die. Your hands tied. You watch it fade away. You watch something you love so very dearly, leave your life… hell, you pulled the ventilator out yourself. So don’t tell me I cannot mourn. I feel the sadness inside my skin. You don’t know what sadness is till you can smell it and sense it in your body. And I feel it with every passing day. So I’m taking a break from Love because I wish you’d fight to keep me, I wish you’d fight for my love. I wish I wasn’t so easily replaceable. You ask me to be practical about things, but you know well had I been the practical girl, we’d never have been here to begin with. It hurts because while I can tell how you’re feeling with just the way you breathe, you can’t see through my smile just how much it’s killing me.

I’m taking a break from Love because in order to save my soul, I must let go of Love for a while. I must mourn and I must heal. I mustn’t keep feeding on what’s already dead. I must thank you for giving me this joy, and I must set you free. Im taking a break not because I am giving up, and not because I am too weak, but in order to love myself, I must first let you go.

- Saloni Chopra

Photographer: Zain Ali.