“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.” — Anne Lamott.

Remember that time, when you confused a life lesson for a soul mate? Well, this article is about that life lesson… and the life lesson that happened right after that, and after that. Pretty much a look into all your life lessons, the failed relationships — not your soul mates — though in fact there are people out there who believe that soul mates aren’t always forever true lovers, but instead are people that challenge us, crush us, hurt us and force us to grow, learn, evolve. Either way, this one’s dedicated to all the women that stayed back far too many years than necessary, women that dedicated their time and vulnerability, women that gave more and took less, women that confused being caged for being loved, women that’ve felt the toxic, women that didn’t know how to let go, women that were emotionally invested, women that are strong but sensitive and women that I hope — got out of it alive. I’ve been in relationships, and I’ve seen relationships from afar — and I know when it’s not right. I’ve seen women drag themselves through relationships that they shouldn’t be in and eventually come out of them, but I’ve also seen women that never truly learnt to let go… the one’s that are still ‘in it’ — this one’s for you too, my darling. This one’s for all of you. We as women, from the moment we are born — are taught to nurture & love & give… Give, give, give. We emotionally look after our dads, understand our moms, baby sit our siblings — and somewhere along the line, we think we’re fucking psychiatrists. We think we are ‘healers’. We want to ‘fix’ everybody that is broken — and thats where we begin to start making these mistakes that I’d like to call…. our relationships! (When I address Men, I do not address all men, I’m just addressing the ones that fall in this category!)

I don’t usually ever write about Love, because I don’t think i’ve got it all figured out — I’m a sucker for Love, I think it’s beautiful & someday I’m going to capture it in its true essence, whatever that may be, yet I do not know what Love is. Some would say I make the worst choices, constantly hopping from one wrong man to another, so heck…

What the fuck do I know about what Love is?

What I do know is, what you shouldn’t be putting up with.

• I was hammered the night we met. It was the usual saturday night, i’d been out drinking with my friends and – lets be honest here. I’m fucking crass. I like to abuse. Maybe it’s a phase, maybe it isn’t, but this is who I am. So I was standing in the middle of the dance floor, surrounded by classy women in A-line dresses and stilettos, when I yelled out to my best friend “This party is awful. Lets go somewhere else! I can’t handle the Ch*tiya crowd!” – Hammered, matching footsteps we made it to the bar, contemplating if I wanted a last drink, or a glass of water? That was it. That was the moment I caught him staring at me, giggling. I swear I was about to throw a couple of words at him when he said “When you abuse, you sound really cute, y’know” – Awwww. If you live in India, meeting a man who says that is a blessing. That led to a beer, to 5 beers to us spending nights at each others 4 times a week, to a 6 month long relationship. Dream do come true, huh? Some dream it was – till one random night when we were at a gathering where I used the C word again, around his friends – and he squinted. I saw that on his face, but I didn’t say anything. Later that night we came home & he decided to have “the talk”. The problem is not that he didn’t like swear words – it’s the fact that he asked me to stop. The man. That fucking found me — approached me because I was an abusing, crass girl — the man that thought it was CUTE, telling me it wasn’t “okay” to swear anymore because now I was his girlfriend. I will never wrap my head around that. Men abuse each other all the time, you’ll watch a film like Omkara where every man starts & ends his sentences with abuses… You loooove All India ‘Bakchod’, but when women do it – it’s wrong? Your ears start bleeding! Because women are suppose to be classy and elegant and pure. But what if I’m not pure? What’s being someone’s girlfriend got to do with it anyway? Am I supposed to change who I am and fit into the criteria of a fucking girlfriend? So its okay to pick up a girl that uses swear words, but once you make her your girlfriend, lets filter that shit out because “it was fine back then, we weren’t together”. Fuck that. It’s a different thing that I ended up staying in that relationsip another year after ‘the talk’ happened because I was dumb, but really… Fuck that kind of love. That’s not love. That’s double standards. I will abuse when I want, how I want – and if you as a man don’t appreciate it – don’t try to get into my fucking pants. Your hormones are so high when you see a hot girl that even her fuck,shit,bitch words sound like prayers to you, her mini skirt looks like a lehaga, but a few months down the line, it’s do this, wear that – Yuck. So I am not girlfriend material. And baby, I am proud of it.

• I know a love story. I know a love story of a boy and a girl that met at a friends birthday party. I know she liked him the moment she saw him, I know he liked her too. I know that night they got a hotel room, and I know they had sex. I never told her not to, why should I anyway? Why should anybody tell two people not to have sex? I know through that entire relationship, he never trusted her. I know he would check her phone & call her names & accuse her of fucking every guy he could lay his eyes on – and I know why. Because he judged her. He judged her for jumping into bed with him, and mind you not just any bed, but the kind that you pay for – hotel sex & women together is considered a whore house. Society doesn’t see the Man that she enters a hotel with. Men judge a girl for being too easy. Men disrespect a girl if she has sex on the first few nights – as though the act of sex is something that is completely for a mans pleasure, performed by the two of them. A lot of men don’t think a girl that’ll jump into bed deserves respect – to be honest, women judge other women for it too. Why? I don’t see society pointing fingers at the boy. Was she having sex with herself? I don’t think so. He’s a catch, he’s the ladies man, the boy with the swag, so much money, and she? She’s the slut. The untrustworthy, moral-less whore. She’s ruining the reputation of other women. Oh how dare she. She doesn’t respect her body! So Men talk crap about her, Women too talk crap about her. Soon enough, she’ll believe it too. She’ll start to feel like a slut. She’ll be ashamed of her sexuality, she’ll apologise for things she hasn’t done, she won’t talk to her guy friends, all because…. She made the mistake of having sex with a boy, mutually. She even made the mistake of trusting him, and loving him, while he thought of her as a Slut. Soon enough, the mutual sex turned into him forcing her. Him making her have sex whenever he wanted it — because that’s all she was for him. A sex object. Soon enough, she’ll have scars that she’ll mistake for vibrant colours on her face. She’ll create a delusion for herself where she’s glowing like a canvas covered in Pink, when she’s really just bleeding blood. She’s dying within, but she’ll tell herself she’s blushing. Shame on her. Shame on her for having hormones. Shame on her for trusting a man. Shame on her for thinking she as a human is equally entitled to feel/act upon things as he is without being judged. Shame on her for enjoying sex. Shame on her for existing, in a society like yours… and Shame on you – for letting her go through it.

• “Baby, I don’t like it when you show off your bra strap. Can you please dress more appropriately?”… “baby, that neckline is too deep. And your shorts are too short. Who are you trying to show your legs to?!”… except he then goes onto his Instagram feed where he’s following 8 models, 3 bikini models and 5 girls with huge tits all over his screen. Ummm yeah, okay.. “baby, that’s the fucking door – please leave.” trust me – good riddance. If you’re with a man that can check out half naked models all day & watch porn – but your bra strap & shorts are a shame to him – please walk him out that door. Throw him out the window, that’ll do too. I have no issues with porn or bikini models – I like both — I have a problem with men with those double standards. Men that want to watch those girls, drool over them, probably wank off to them too – but your girlfriend/wife? Oh no no.. how dare you speak of MY women so disrespectfully? Wait. So you don’t respect the women you masturbate to? Well, that sure as hell says a lot about your views on Sex. And Equality. And Life. You want to see sexy women that aren’t ‘yours’, but you won’t be okay with your woman looking sexy (outside of your four walls). Whoever thought women were twisted & difficult to understand, please stand up. Tell me how? Then, let me tell you something… she – the woman next to you, the one that’s putting up with this bulshit insecure attitude of yours, the one that even considers covering her body for your sake, the one that lets you vomit these words from your mouth – she’s beautiful. She’s very, very sexy. She’s not where she belongs if she’s putting up with your crap – but one day, she’s going to be in her element, and she’s going to find a man that loves her, compliments her, and feels pride when she walks into a room because he knows she’s hers. He won’t blame her, or change her, just because ‘Men stare’. She’s going to spend her life with someone who walks with her, not ahead of her, and respects her enough to explore love, life and sexuality with her without any disrespect – why, you ask? Because she – she’s absolutely gorgeous & sexy. You are just her prep. You’re the reason she will be so thankful, when she finds him, because to know the value of what is good, you must first bloody understand what’s bad, huh? Sometimes, she likes to flaunt her printed Bra through her sheer dress, she likes wearing her shorts really short, and she enjoys her crop tops – but she’s just as beautiful in a Saree – she’s beautiful in anything that SHE chooses to wear for herself, and don’t you worry, when she’s fed up of you, she’s going to find a man that sees her in her element, and loves her for it.

• There’s a lot man can understand – but a woman and her desire for sex? That is something that’s beyond their understanding. I often wonder why that is? Is it because of how they’ve been raised? Is it their mothers? Or is it society? Is it what they’ve been taught? I remember that at good old talk, when Parents tell their daughter that “So he made a mistake, he slept with another woman… now let it go. Think about your children, think about your future. Who will marry you? Be mature, let it go… he goes out & works late, it must’ve just happened — don’t ruin your marriage (oh man, I’d love to hear that the other way around!). I don’t genuinely remember anybody ever telling a child “this is a man, his birth right is to fuck. And this is a woman, she mustn’t enjoy the act. Only the man enjoys it, the woman does it to please him”.. you know that conversation? I’ve skipped it somewhere. But it must’ve happened, right? Why else would they deprive me of my rights? Is it our culture? I believe in our culture… No, I don’t believe that “auratein humare ghar ka gehna hai. I don’t want to be a gold neckless, for god sakes!”.. You cannot weigh me, wear me, sell me, gift me, showcase me, or in today’s political situations, even get tax on me. But our culture, our history – it’s beautiful. Where in my history is my orgasm forbidden? If anything, it is the act of the woman enjoying herself that leads to a mans orgasm. Think. Men don’t scream, they don’t moan, they don’t cry, they don’t call names – it’s all us. We are vocal. I am vocal. But you tell me I mustn’t enjoy it? Or I must only want it when you do? What about my sexuality is so disgusting to you? Is it my sexual freedom… does it scare the shit out of you? Because it should. Anything beyond your control scares you. My past scares you. My future scares you. My education scares you. My ability to create life & nurture it scares you too! What good are you, when all you are is a box of insecurities and ego? You don’t want to please me. You think this is all about you… oh how wrong you are, i let you believe it, I let you live in your little bubble where you think Sex is about your pleasure – but I’m bursting it now. I’m bursting your bubble. I cannot breathe the polluted poisonous air you breathe, where I am the mother, I am the sister, I am the nurturer, I am the goddess, yet I am deprived and locked up. Mentally, Physically, Emotionally. I am your respect, yet I am not enough. I am desired, but I am not allowed. I am to conquer everything, yet, I am not to be educated… I am to give life, but I shall never live the one I am given.

• “It wasn’t always like this. We were madly in love. Of course, there was the occasional fight… but we were crazy about each other. There was so much passion. At first, it was small things. Don’t wear this. “Baby… if you love me, you’ll change that about you.” Sometimes we got into an argument – once he broke something. He was really aggressive. The next time we fought, he hit himself. I was really disturbed, so I left. He promised to never do that again. We went back to being perfect… till one night, in the middle of a fight, he just… I must’ve done something. I must’ve said something. It was my fault. I pushed him too hard. He’s not okay. I think he needs my help. He needs me. It’s just a few bruises. Nothing serious. He was weak. I made him do it….” You. Didn’t. Make. Him. Do. Anything. Where ever you are, if you are reading this – it wasn’t your fault. You didn’t make him hit you. It’s not your fucking fault. Stop blaming yourself. 90% of the time when a man raises his hands on you, you think HE is the victim, and you end up thinking he NEEDS you – he needs you to fix him. No he doesn’t. He needs you to blame. He needs you to hold him. He needs you so he can abuse you all over again. He is a coward, if he raises his hands on you. He’s a bigger coward if he makes you feel like it’s your fault. He is weak and pathetic and dare you ever blame yourself for it. Your parents didn’t raise you, educate you & love you unconditionally so you could be beaten up by some some guy. Nothing – absolutely nothing you say or do is a good enough reason for him to hit you. Every one has a choice to walk away. Leave. You don’t deserve physical abuse. Your only fault is that you stayed. You thought it wouldn’t happen again but it became a routine. A few pushes turned to a few slaps & soon you were bruised every second week – you can’t make him to love you, when you do not love yourself. You can’t save anybody with lack of self respect. You don’t deserve this. Walk away before it’s too late. Walk away while you can. Before you go insane. You do not need to apologise all the time for things you haven’t done! You are strong, and independent, and beautiful – and if you can’t love yourself, then who the hell am I fighting for?

Before I end this tribute to women that stayed for far too long, I need you to realise that this isn’t Men vs Women. This isn’t a war. This is about survival and equality. I will stop writing about women and their rights the day people accept that feminism is — very much needed. You can be a Man, and still be a Feminist. Feminism isn’t about Women standing up for something. It’s about Humans, demanding equality and justice for Women, regardless of their Gender. I know there are wonderful men out there, I know there are men that are good human beings (and this isn’t about them) but unfortunately, even today, women all over the world are being burnt alive, abused sexually, physically, raped, deprived of education, caged, controlled, killed, threatened, molested — all for being a Woman. And while there’s enough on their plate already, well, they fall in Love… and sometimes, they make awful choices. I get messages on Instagram every-single-day from girls far too young to be dealing with this shit, addressing their issues — issues i’m appalled by, issues that make me want to cry and I feel helpless because I can’t talk to them — and this one is for ALL of you — who give me 101 excuses for not leaving someone that’s hitting you, for blaming yourself when HE cheated on you as though it was your fault, for letting him control and monitor your life, your texts, your clothes. For letting him force you into sex just because you’re dating, for letting him tell you that you’re not good enough, or smart enough, and — for staying.

No. No. I feel like I am wasting away my life if you do not understand this simple No. No.

If I could do one thing in the world, I would show you, how beautiful you are. How you are worth more, so much more. All you need to do is Love Yourself.

Saloni Chopra

Photographer Zain Ali Photography

Photographer Amit Agarwal