National Day of Reflection: Two years of disrupted grief

March 23rd 2022 is the second National Day of Reflection, and in the lead up I have found myself reflecting on my own experiences of bereavement and grief over the last two years following the first lockdown announcement.

Two years of ever-increasing death statistics being read out each evening on the news. So much so, the number became incomprehensible.

Two years of being worried about friends and family contracting the virus and what that could mean for them.

Two years where grief has been disrupted and pain has been unprocessed.

Like many others, people I care about have died during the pandemic. Some losses have been sudden and unexpected, others have been predicted but have been made worse by not being able to attend funerals and connect with others who knew them. Sadly, I know these experiences are not unique to me, but have been felt by the people in later life we’ve been speaking to throughout the pandemic.

“No support before and after my husband died at home. Not allowed a funeral. Left completely alone as no one, even my children, was allowed to travel to help me. I have been traumatised by the experience and it has made my bereavement much harder to bear.”

“My wife died in May with Coronavirus and, although I was allowed to visit her in hospital just before she died, before that I could only speak to her via phone. The most distressing thing was the limitations for the funeral and not being able to celebrate her life.”

“I lost a close friend and was not able to attend the funeral or go and see her family, which has made it an unreal event and I felt sad and disassociated at the same time.”

Death is never easy, and for those of us who have been bereaved we can testify that a range of disorientating emotions can hit you in quick succession. It certainly doesn’t put you in the best head space to deal with the wider practical elements that accompany a death, let alone to consider your own situation once the dust has settled.

The stories and experiences we’ve heard from people who call our advice line and use our services are some of the reasons why we — alongside our friends at Marie Curie, Cruse Bereavement Support, the National Bereavement Alliance and the Childhood bereavement network — established the UK Commission on Bereavement.

The commission is independent of Government and is made up of commissioners with significant experience across multiple sectors including our Chair of Trustees Baroness Julia Neuberger. The commissioners are currently trying to get a picture of what people’s experiences of bereavement have been like over the last five years and are talking to organisations who support people at this pivotal time. The commissioners want to learn what has helped people during their grief, and what has made their experience harder. They will then come up with recommendations for government, NHS and other organisations to try and improve the situation people experience.

At Independent Age, we shared with the commissioners the stories and insight we’ve heard during our conversations with people in later life, including the challenges people can face when trying to access emotional support following a death. You can read more about this in our Grief Encounters report. We also highlighted to the commissioners that bereavement can be a trigger into financial insecurity and money worries. With the cost-of-living crisis raging, it’s absolutely essential that people in later life who have been bereaved receive the support they’re entitled to which can include entitlements such as Pension Credit and council tax reduction. We know these can make a huge difference particularly following a partner bereavement when you go from being a household of two to one, but many of the bills stay the same.

As members of the Commission’s steering group, we are now busy analysing the evidence that’s been submitted from more than 1,000 individuals and over a hundred organisations. The commissioners will use this analysis to determine how people can get the help they need after a death.

As we await the Commission’s findings and recommendations, Independent Age wants to make sure people know what support is already out there.

• If you have been bereaved and need support take a look at our free guide Coping with Bereavement
• We also have lots of information about whether you might be entitled to financial support if your circumstances have changed, just call our helpline on 0800 319 6789 or take a look at our money advice pages.
• If you would like to explore options for counselling, you can ask your GP or contact Cruse Bereavement Support or call them on 0808 808 1677.
• There’s also lots of information on local support which might be available on the At A Loss website or the Good Grief Trust.

Finally, reflecting over our work at Independent Age across the last two years, I feel proud we’ve been able to amplify the voices of the people in later life who have shared their experience with us. I deeply hope that by this time next year we will have secured commitments from decision makers to improve the systems that people rely on when they’re grieving.

Our Time to Grieve campaign aims to improve the systems people interact with when they are grieving. To support it you can sign up to our campaigner e-mail network.