A talk with myself

After reading the article my friend sent me, anxiety set in. 
It was a well-written article on why he quit drinking. But the question at the end, is what set the wheels of my mind off.

*sidenote: this is my personal account, and some responses do stem from symptoms of anxiety/depression.

What are your vices? Ryan X asked at the end of his article. I interpreted this to also include what my setbacks are.
I have a couple. I’ve realized through writing, there is no reason to be deceitful to myself. While sugar-coating the truth I am only distancing myself further from it. 
So I sat alone, and gathered the strength. 
To face myself, to talk to myself. Something I always avoid. 
So here goes my public self-reflection, in no particular order.

Live here, live now
What is ironically comedic to me is the knowledge I have regarding my vices and/or setbacks. In terms of this one, I know I have a difficult time being present in the moment, what makes it worst is when I acknowledge this occurring.

And, the moment just slips away..

Hesitating.. Self-doubt
Oh, how this one drives me absolutely insane! Despite a list of my accomplishments, it is not the initiating of an idea that I have trouble with. But rather, the in-between phase. Laying the outline for the work. Self-doubt creeps in, leaving me questioning my distinct potential. Will it be successful? Will it contribute something to the greater benefit of an individual or society at large?

I’m #2 
Self-explanatory. I put others before myself, way more than I should. Therefore, I disappoint myself when I expect others to think like me, to act like me, or to feel like me. You should not expect others to be wired the same way you are. That is a flawed thinking. If this were the case, we wouldn’t all be unique and different. There is no higher or greater way of living or thinking, everyone is entitled to live how they wish to. 
It’s nice to care about others, but forewarning this might also get you hurt.

“Comparison is the thief of joy.” Whether it be this generation’s “mental obesity” with social media, or in real life. Comparison plagues the mind, and today’s society. It leads to other vices such as ingratitude, greed, and jealousy (been there). We start having a hard time accepting our real selves.

The ideal selves we strive to become, merely become a reflection of another’s reality, not our own.

Being ashamed of preconditions
I’ve set a challenge for myself. Next time I’m in a setting with people that don’t look like me or I know I might have a difficult time striking a conversation with, I need to sit through my frantic mind. And sort through the feeling of fear. Not because I’m afraid of them, or for them. But for myself.

Recently, I went to brunch with a close friend, and the scene was a brunch cafe filled with older White people. My mind started racing, I didn’t want to get noticed. But how could I not? I was the only minority there. Except for the middle-aged Black couple a couple tables away. The only Indian. I couldn’t help but think what was going through the mind of my fellow neighborhood members? The societally constructed inferiority complex set in. “Why is she here? Do they even know what brunch is?” 
I couldn’t express this concern of mine to my friend, not because they wouldn’t understand, but rather out of fear that my concerns would be labeled ‘overthinking’, ‘ridiculuous’, or ‘invalid’. 
We all need to understand, no matter the context of the situation, or who you are —

your sentiments are always valid.

Stop second-guessing what you are feeling. Or what you are thinking. Emotions and thoughts are evolutionary conditional wiring trying to warn or tell us of something we need to be aware of.

Commitment
Starting something, but not being able to commit to it. Whether it’s the feeling or need to constantly move forward and leave behind projects that have the potential to blossom. 
Or the greed of weighing my own ideas, as one being more urgent than another. And that is a grave mistake.

For the significance and impact of an idea cannot be measured on urgency.

Listening to my inner voices
The ones that are mean to you. 
The ones that tell you you will fail, the ones that make it harder to pull yourself up,
and when you do, they criticize you for taking too long. 
The ones that try to convince you life is about being perfect, and make it hard to embrace your imperfections.

The ones that tell you your imperfections are far from perfect, 
not taking into consideration that is why they are called imperfections.

This stems from your self-talk being negative and harsh, rather than optimistic and gentle.

Your self-talk reflects into your social interactions with others around you. It reflects onto how you treat them.

Letting go 
I have come to realize holding onto the past is a form of self-harm. You are doing injustice to yourself and those around you by choosing to hold yourself back in the past, rather than cultivating a better you in the present. One that you control. You are being unjust to yourself by not letting go of baggage, and allowing yourself to feel the beauty of the present moment. 
No one else, but you are forcibly tying down your wings.

You can soar if you allow yourself to. 
After all, sky is the limit.