A Teenage Wreck

If you were to ask me what happened and how I ended up in this hospital ward, taking antidepressants like candy, I couldn’t really tell you. Ask anyone else who knew and they’d give you an answer. My parents recently came to the conclusion that I’ve been going mental or something same with my friends. They had been talking with many different doctors about my “condition” and what they should do. Ask my parents and they’ll tell I’m a student suddenly failing classes. Ask my friends and they’ll tell you I’ve become more antisocial and hard to find. I don’t even know what happened. Ask my teachers and they’ll tell you I’ve lost interest in school. Ask anyone and they’ve told you that I’ve lost it. But I can’t really see how. If anything they’re all the ones that have lost it. And it’s as if I had become mental- or more crudely as my parents call it, crazy. Because it’s not I’ve became crazy. I became a realist. I’ve come to understand the world for what it really is. I haven’t gone mental or anything. The thing was I liked to think that there was still some good in this world. That teenagers didn’t come to grow up as some self centered beings known as adults. That money didn’t consume people’s lives and people lived for other people. Everything was so fake and heartbreaking it gutted me. You’d hear all these kids saying what they’d want to be in life and you couldn’t help but just cry a little knowing nothing like that would ever happen. What’s worse was this town I was stuck in. There seemed to be no escape. Everything seemed so boring and awful that anything different would be considered treacherous. Everybody around was growing and maturing into something awful. I couldn’t stand it so I stood in my place. People were changing and I came to realize that I haven’t really known anyone. My friends weren’t friends. They often said they worried about me and told me not to do anything stupid. But then right when the weekend came by they completely forget about me. I didn’t even like the psychologists I went to see. All the ones I had seen seemed stuck up with their doctorate degrees and none seemed to care about my condition. They weren’t even the people I thought I knew so I just learned to avoid them. Even my parents were becoming dangerous. They thought something was wrong with when I started letting my grade drops. But grades don’t even matter. For God’s sake I don’t even know what matters. But I’m not crazy. Not even close. I am a realist. Regardless, I’ve been feeling pretty low and awful for the past few months now. Honestly, I haven’t even realized when it started. You ever watch any of these T.V. shows or movies where it has that one guy? That one guy where he just seems to be a bum and everything is going the wrong direction for him? Who’s in a pitch black hole and he can’t escape and he keeps digging down deeper and doesn’t even know why? But then he meets this girl who’s just out of his league but at the end of the day he comes out triumphant and with the girl too. Well that guy is me and that’s how I feel every day. Except I didn’t get any girl or anyone to talk to. Damn those shows. I hated watching them. They gave you hope that there’s someone out there for everyone. Even me. But it turns out it’s not true. Because I’m still stuck in this dump with no hope left.

Well you’re probably fed with all my bantering, right? So am I, all this writing is cramping my hand so I’ll just start on with my story.

The doctor assigned for me at the hospital ward and asked as much events as I could remember leading up to my suicide attempt. I’m really not interested in telling my story because I still think it’s useless but they told me if there was ever anyway out of here I had to comply. So here it is. My story.

Like I told you earlier, I can’t remember how much or even what happened to me but I really lost it Monday.

It started sometime Sunday night. Sunday’s I got awfully lonely. Saturday s were bearable just because I got a break from school and all it’s hell. But Sundays were always awful. I always waited till the very nighttime to start all my studies and it always hit me hard. I usually ended the night with myself cowering beneath my bed sheets suffocating my face against a pillow so no one would hear my cries.

Monday morning was the same. I woke up feeling helpless and numb as hell. I got up and went to the bathroom. I stared at my reflection in the mirror. This started to become something of a daily ritual. I looked up the mirror and I tried my best to see this boy. This boy who was this go happy kid, with a big gaping smirk smacked across his face. Instead I saw the complete opposite- this kid with a sense of lost and worthlessness, this kid with a defeated look on his face, and you knew it. But his eyes. His eyes were the worst. They had dark rings around them from the lack of sleep. His eyes just screamed help, somebody to just come up and save him. But alas, no heeds to the call.

I loathed going to school. I was so damn tired all the time from the lack of sleep that school was an weight on the back. I literally began to slouch everywhere, much to the dismay of my mom.

I hated school even more of the work. I stopped caring so my grades went on a decline and my teachers started to worry. Which I hated. So yeah, you’re probably wondering why I even push off teachers when I need some help.

The worst part of school was the people. I didn’t hate them, but I wanted to avoid the hell out of them. It’s senior year- college was fast approaching. All these kids started going off on all these colleges they applied or got accepted to. Like it even mattered.

This one kid, Ramsey, was the worst. He came from some well off family so he was able to apply all these Ivy League schools. And he went off to everyone how he got accepted into Harvard. Like it was a big deal. I had a cousin who went there and said so many guys there were self-conceited. Well, I guess, Ramsey well fit right in.

Myself, I got accepted into Columbia University in New York. I remember first when I got accepted I flew off. Personally, I didn’t even want to go there. It was my parents. My parents also pushed the hell out of me academically that it drove me crazy. I kept telling them to lay off but they told me to keep working harder. And get this. Now that I’m in this dump they’re telling me to lay off the work. They couldn’t figure out what they wanted from me.

Anyways, I got pretty excited that I’d be in New York City next fall, just away from everything it this boring Midwest town. I put my heart on that school (or more my parents, the Ivies meant everything to them, apparently). Now I could care less about Columbia. And that got the attention of my parents, but not enough to actually do anything.

The thing was, I didn’t want to go to Columbia. I hated what these schools did to people. It turned them into pricks. One case in particular, my cousin, who went to Princeton. He can’t even hold it when people ask where he went for undergrad.

More importantly, I don’t want to end up like an adult. Adults were just the worst. They only seemed to be driven by money. What’s worse is they used all this money and flashed it off, like every single person needed to be impressed by the salaries they brought in. My parents were the epitome of this.

Well, all this thinking made me feel rotten. And then it hit me. School was awful. I didn’t need to be here. So I decided to ditch, get out while it was still on my mind. I’d wait till second hour so I could talk to Hayden.

Hayden was probably the only girl, well person, for that matter who understood me. If I had a counselor, she was it. She was in my grade, a senior, and she stood at five feet four inches, an inch beneath me. Everything about her just glowed. Her blue eyes were piercing and her was blondish and brunette. The perfect shade if you ask me.

So what’s the catch? Well she has a boyfriend. Typical for this type of scenario, right? The worst part was he was jerk. At least I thought so. He didn’t have any beef with me but I couldn’t stand him.

First hour was math class and the teacher lectured the whole hour. It seemed like a millennium. School was literally killing me.

Thankfully, though, the hour ended. I packed up my bag and I watched her walk over to me. She’d do this everyday after first hour to walk me to my next class.

She was about to open her mouth to say something but I beat her to it.

“Hey, what are you doing today after school?” I asked her hint of anxiety.

“Nothing… just homework. Look, Chanson are you alright?” she asked, noticing my anxiety. This happened often at school.

“Yeah, I’m great. Look, just meet me at the coffee shop on the corner of 5th and Timerwood at 4:30, I need to talk to you about something. It’s important,” I told her. She said alright. I walked off briskly and said goodbye. I kinda gave a backwards glance towards her and I her face. She looked down. There was a lot of people I didn’t mind hurting but Hayden? God, I could never hurt her. I almost wanted to go back but then I remembered my plan. If you could call it a plan, I just needed to escape.

I first went off to my locker to drop off my backpack than I escaped through the exit doors by the school’s auditorium. Once I got out, I decided to take a stroll through downtown since our school was pretty close by.

I don’t know why but I felt god awful. My mind wasn’t here and my head seemed foggy. Worse, I felt this emptiness in my chest. I hated that feeling the most.

As a kid, I loved walking through downtown. I’d often go there with my parents. Everything just seemed to amaze me. It was like Disneyland but better. Downtown was real. So I decided to stroll through here, finding anything, anything to bring back that happiness. But I knew it was hopeless. That was all in the past- all long gone and dead. Just like myself. I kept walking back fourth through every street, looking for something, anything, and I don’t even know what, but something to make this awful feeling go away.

It was 4:20. Almost time to meet up with Hayden. I’d almost forgot walking through downtown like a maniac.

Up through the coffee shop’s windows I saw Hayden sitting at a booth. I entered the shop and gave her a tap. The instant she saw me she gave out a big yell, “Chanson!”. She flew her arms across me and squeezed me. Her hug felt so good. I wanted to return the favor and wrap my arms around her but I couldn’t seem to do it. “I’ve been so worried about you…. You were gone 6th and 7th hour. Where have you been?” her voice had a hint of despair in it.

“Around,” I said. I pushed her off me. We picked a booth and sat down.

“So, why did you need me anyways?” she asked.

“Oh god, I just feel the same as usual except… except worse. God, I couldn’t even handle a full day of school this time.” I looked up at her to see if she had anything to say.

“Chanson, I can’t imagine how hard it is to go what you’re going through and I really wish I knew. But it’s senior year. You need to hang in there-”

“Oh stop it! That’s what everyone’s telling me! ‘Hang in there, Chanson, you can do!’ It’s a broken record literally. Well, I can’t hang in any longer. I just can’t!”I shot back at her.

“College is around the corner. You need to keep your grades up if you want to go to Columbia,” she said.

“Screw Columbia,” I looked at her and she gave a frown. “No really, screw it. And college. I hate all of it,”.

“College. It’ll be different, Chanson. You have to believe me on this. In college you’ll get to meet all these new and exciting people. And plus you’re going to Columbia! You’ll be in New York, I know you’ve been dying to go there,” she said.

“God. Could you stop all that? You sound just like my mom. She won’t shut up about it. Look. I don’t want to go to college at all. I mean, what you come out on the other end is just awful,”.

“What do you mean?” Hayden asked.

“I mean that college changes you. Or people change for college. I don’t know. Whatever it is I don’t like it. Like her at school, all these kids talk about where they’re going. To all these elite schools-and they’re just stuffing it down everyone’s throats. They won’t shut up about it. They’re all self-conceited. And college is full of those guys. Just these kids flashing off their useless high school GPA and their academic letter with their position in the top 5%. It’s awful. And that’s just the beginning. Then there’s after college, you know, when you become an adult. And I hate adults. God it’s like nothing else matters to them except for prestige and money. All they want to do is show off. And I don’t even dare to become something like that,” I looked to see her face but I knew she wanted me to continue.

“If you need example, just look at my parents. They’ve never gave a damn about me. Except when I was little and everything I did was so cute. But then when I hit puberty, they just pushed me aside. Like I was some toy who reached it’s prime. And they’ve never been proud of me. I work hard in school, I run hard in XC and track to get top places in meets and none of that even matters to them. It’s just expected. And that’s the only thing they’re proud off. Writing is the only thing I care for and they find it to useless a joke…. You know, I really didn’t even want to go to Columbia. It’s my parents. They just wanted to gloat about a son who’s an Ivy league student. And that’s my parents. And then there’s everyone else. God! They’ve all changed… they’re all becoming something much more awful,”.

It was quiet for a while but her voice broke the silence.

“You’re the one who’s changed” she said.

“Hmm, I didn’t catch that,” I said.

“You’re the one who’s changed, not your friends or anyone else,” she said.

“ME? I’m the one who’s changed? Is something wrong with you!? I haven’t changed. Not at all. I’m a realist, okay, a realist. I see what’s real. Everyone a hypocrite. They don’t give a damn about anyone but themselves. And unfortunately no one else sees this but me. I just see what’s real in people ,” I shot back.

“No, you’re not a realist, you’re a cynic, Chanson. A pessimist. You’re the one that’s changed… You-”

“Look, Hayden, I’m fine. I’m not any of those,” I told her. “I’m just a real-,”

“You’re not a realist!” she shouted back at me. She’s never shouted at me before. I could see her face. Her eyes wear tearing up and she was trembling. She went on.

“Chanson you’re the one that’s changed. You say you’ve become a realist but you’ve became a loner. You don’t talk to people or smile, or even say “hello”. You avoid people. And it’s not because you hate like you think but because you’re afraid. And I’m sorry but you have god-awful parents. You’re right. All they care about is money and fame. And they’ve pushed you so hard that you’ve crashed. Just so they could have something to gloat to their friends to. You’ve never really been loved and you’ve never loved someone else. And that’s why you avoid people. You’re afraid to get hurt,” she told me. I really wanted to speak out but she stooped me. She went on.

“You’ve become disillusioned by all the selfishness and cynicism you’ve seen from her parents. You’ve been taught unknowingly that that’s how all people are. I can assure you, not everyone is like that at all. There are good people in this world. But you have to go out and find them. You can’t keep pushing people off and shielding yourself… You’re in a hole Chanson. A pitch black hole And all you have is a shovel. You keep digging beneath you’re feet, just digging deeper and deeper away from society and burying yourself in. You’re a stranger to people. And worst, you’re a stranger to yourself. It’s killing me, Chanson, to see you like this. I care about you a lot and I want to help. I want to help you-” I gave out a laugh and she stopped.

“What’s so funny?” she asked.

“Oh, Hayden, I don’t need any help. Because I have a plan,”.

“What’s your plan?”.

“ I am going to Columbia. But just so I can get in NYC. I don’t give a damn about college. Life’s too short for me to waste my time in college,” I told her.

“What do you plan to do?” she asked me.

“Broadway,” I smiled back at her and I could see she had no idea what I was talking about. “You know, Broadway, I want to write plays for Broadway,” I told her. “And to pay off the good old mortgage, I’ll find some cheap job as a bus boy or waiter or whatever. You know, to pay for the bills and food,” I told her.

“Chanson, New York’s a hard enough place already to get started. But with no college? It’ll be impossible for you to make it there by yourself,” she told me.

“I know,” I said as I grabbed her hand and squeezed it. She squeezed back. “So that’s why you should come! You’re going to college on the East coast, just transfer somewhere in New York! We can get an apartment together somewhere. Oh god, it’ll be great, us two in New York! Hell, we can even get married just to shove it in the world that we’re young and we can do whatever the hell we want!” I exclaimed. I was getting excited just thinking about it.

“Chanson… That… it’ll never work out. You’re plan,” she told me. Her face was dead-struck.

“Oh, and why the hell not!?” I inquired.

“Well, because, it just won’t. You can’t be an idealist, Chanson. You need to be practical, realistic. You’re plan… it’s… you… you can’t be crazy about it,”.

The second she called me crazy she regretted it but I flipped out.

“I’m crazy!? God damn it, I’ll show you crazy!” I yelled. I ran out of the store and leaned up against one downtown’s store brick walls. I saw her running to catch up with me.

Her face was in despair. “Oh god, I didn’t mean it, Chanson. You know-” I grabbed her hand.

“It’s alright,” I told her. “I need to go now, my head’s foggy. I need to walk and clear up,” I started walking away and I heard her call back to me.

“Please, Chanson! Don’t run away! We can talk-” I interrupted her.

“I’m not running away, I promise,” I told her. She told me something else but I didn’t hear her.

I was defeated. I felt like a damn fool. Of course, realistically, I knew she’d never say yes. But still, the truth hurt. She’s probably laughing at me right now. I can see it, her just filled with laughter and tears. Christ, she’s probably telling everyone how much of an idiot I am. How lame I am. Oh god.

I didn’t feel so good. My headache worsened as my head seared with pain. My chest felt even more empty. My heart ached. My mind kept telling me I couldn’t go on. The whole world seemed to be spinning and whirling around me. I was trembling like hell but it must have been the coffee. But then I remembered I never drank any coffee at the shop with Hayden.

I felt so empty and foggy in the head that I needed to sit down or I would’ve passed out. I chose to sit on this park bench right in front of one of my favorite playground sets as a kid. Sitting there, I realized that I couldn’t go on. What reason did I have to exist? My life was meaningless. I spent my days working on homework and the rest cowering like a baby. I had no reason to exist. My parents didn’t give a damn about me. I just have any friends. I ruined anything I had with Hayden. So right there, on the park bench, I got the wonderful idea for the perfect cure to end all my rottenness by ending myself.

No one would even miss me. There would probably be some sappy, short, local news segment on me with the usual bluff. My parents saying I was an angle, I had so much potential. Teachers saying I was an excellent student with a bright future ahead of me. Some other kids saying the same thing. And then people asking why the hell I chose to go out like this. I couldn’t help but smile. Yes, I could see it now. I’d end it all just to gain recognition. To make people feel guilty as hell. There would be this big gathering at my school’s auditorium just to honor me. With that, people would realize just how sad and defeated I really was. Yes. The perfect plan.

Thinking of that, I couldn’t help but notice the playground ahead of me. A slowly moving swing-set caught my eye. I moved towards it. The swing was too small that if I actually swung on it it’d be too uncomfortable so I just sat on it and slowly kicked myself back and forth. I looked at the playground and I wanted to escape. I saw kids everywhere just screaming and laughing. They ran up and down the staircases and crawled throught the tunnels. Their smiles were joyous and invincible. God, how I wanted to be them. To be right there and laugh and play but it was pointless. Whatever I did I couldn’t return myself to that age. And I got even more sad. But those kids. They had no idea what was in for them. Those poor kids. Laughing and screaming. Running without a care in the world. God, those poor kids. They didn’t even know what they had in store for them. I couldn’t handle watching them anymore so I got up to leave. I needed to go with my plan. Quickly pacing through the playground I trampled over a wooden lodge and fell on a sandcastle.

“Hey! You just destroyed my castle,” said a little girl.

I got up and scraped the sand off me. I peered down and saw the flattered remains of her creation.

“Oh, I’m really sorry, I-I. Look, I’m sorry,” I patted her on the back and started to leave. I gazed back at her and her eyes became to glisten. She was going to cry right then and there. And just because I flattened her castle. Pathetic. But inside me felt empty. And my head throbbed even more. I needed to sit down anyways. So I walked back up to her and sat down besides her.

“Hey, I’m…. I’m really sorry I destroyed your castle. Really. But I wanna help out. Is that fine?” I asked her. She seemed hesitant but then she gleamed back at me.

“Ok!” she shot back at me. She shoved me a bucket and a shovel and we got to work. She started giving me all these directions about what she was trying to craft but I didn’t catch on. My mind was elsewhere. At first it was quite but she soon broke it. She started rambling on but all these things that just flew out of me. I didn’t understand a thing she said, really, but it was still sweet to listen to someone who wasn’t so conceited and jaded.

But then she started telling what she wanted to be. Her dreams. And God was that awful. She rolled on saying how she wanted to be the first woman president- to help out people across the world- the works. And her dreams just did it. I started feeling awful again. My chest felt even more empty and I felt even more distant. And you know why? Because of her. Her face seemed cheerful that it was hard just to be somber there. She was so sweet and kind and innocent that half of me wanted to stay there. But I needed to leave. There’s no way a kid could change my mind.

I got up and brushed the sand off my pants and proceeded to leave without saying goodbye.

“Hey!” I heard her shout. “Where are you going? We haven’t finished yet!”. She looked really upset. I told her I had a lot of homework I needed catching up on. No way was I telling her of my intentions. I couldn’t even imagine how I’d even begin to explain to her what I’d do.

“Will you be back?” she asked me. She looked sad. I hated seeing her in that state.

I lied. “Of course! When will you be back?”. She told me she was here every weekday. Today was Monday. I told her I’d be back next Monday. Just to make sure I’d come back, she made me promise. Pinky promise. I told her I’d come back next Monday or if I could sooner, sometime this week.

Saying my goodbyes, I ran the rest of my way home. I had to beat my parents home from work so I could just get this over with. But for some reason the little girl I met kept popping up in my head.

I got home. I headed inside, and, thank God, my parents weren’t home. I went up to the medicine closet and took out my bottle of antidepressants. An overdose of these would knock you straight out. I also grabbed a bottle of sleeping pills. Wanting to be knocked out real quick, I went to my dad’s bar to get something to help swallow this all down. I read on the labels that drinking alcohol would quicken the effects of these pills. Just what I needed.

I opened up my bottle of antidepressant medication and poured it down my throat. I took a swig of my dad’s liquor. I nearly gagged. I hated the taste of the pills. It just felt awful but my head soon clouded up instantly. I couldn’t handle being conscious at all so I took another swig and finished off my medication. I think I puked. I couldn’t handle anymore. My head was already foggy enough.

I struggled over to the living room couch. I felt my stomach roar. My head kept swaying back and forth so I grabbed it with both of my hands to keep it still. I swear, if I hadn’t grabbed my head I felt as if my head would just float off.

I finally made it to the couch. I crashed on it. My stomach kept growling and roaring. I felt my throat caught with a gag. I could hardly keep my head still. I reached over to the table stand next to the couch and I grabbed a picture at random. I took a look at the picture I grabbed. Damn. It had to be this one.

It was a picture of myself and my young niece. She’s either in first or second grade. Or even lower. I can’t remember. But looking at the picture, I saw a smile on my face. And the smile was genuine. I can’t even remember any other person who made me so happy. And I finally remembered why I kept thinking of that little girl. That little girl reminded me of my niece.

Still staring at the picture, I felt different. I mean with all the alcohol I drank and the medication I swallowed I felt awful, but still, my chest seemed to be filled with something.

On the picture I saw a few drips and splashes hit the picture. I wondered what it was but I soon realized it was me. I was crying. Not balling my eyes out, but still, crying. I felt the rivers of tears roll down my face. I was a fool. Why the hell did I do what I did? My niece was so young? God, I didn’t to at least see her as a teen or even older, see how she’d turn out, and more importantly be there for her.

I wanted to live. I slowly got up and struggled to the telephone on the opposite side of the living room to dial 911 but I soon blacked out.

Fortunately, my parents seemed to show up right after my fall and immediately took me to the hospital. The doctor told me I was lucky. Had my parents been 5 minutes away from getting me to the hospital from the time they had gotten me there, I would have been a goner.

My parents were terrorized by what had happened. I thought they would chew me out, telling me not to take the cowards way out. Instead they asked me how I felt and why I decided to do this. I still don’t even know why but I did tell them how I felt about them. They promised me they’d change but I’m not hoping for anything.

After I got sort of back to health, I spent a day in the hospitals psychiatric ward to be evaluated. I spent two days there getting evaluated and learning of how I ended up here.

Today’s my last day. My mom handed back my phone, telling me it was filled with missed calls and text messages. I didn’t check it. My parents asked me what I wanted to do when I got out but the only thing on my mind was when I’d see my niece next. The told me they’d make some time in the summer so we could go visit our family in Chicago. Well, at least there’s one thing now to look forward to.

So there it is. My story. I know you’re probably wanting some more details about my fall or my stay at the hospital or how things are going on at school or even with Hayden. And I’ll get on to that- eventually. But today is Monday. And today I have an obligation to fill.