Advice for men left shrugging after International Women’s Day
A few weeks back, I was one of five women on a panel hosted by my company in recognition of International Women’s Day. After answering questions addressing what women can do for other women, what companies can do for women, and what women can do for themselves, I was approached by (quite a few) men. They repeated what I’ve heard many times, ‘I am totally in favor of supporting women at work… I just don’t know what to do about it.’
I also heard, ‘I want to support the women I work with, but I’m afraid I’ll just make it worse.’
Fair, men.
Our culture mixes The Me Too movement, Silicon Valley pay gaps, a wide range of celebrity sex scandals and a polarizing political climate into one swirling public conversation that makes the finer points of discrimination that come with inherent cultural bias hard to pin down, and even harder to navigate with good intent. What the conversation is lacking is clear direction or guidance for anyone who wants to do just that. Men, it’s no wonder you are confused about where to begin — for the record, I think women are also confused about how to help you help us. But make no mistake — we do want your support at work. In fact, we need it.
So, firstly — thank you for caring enough to read this far. Beyond acknowledging your shrugs following IWD, I’m going to try to make it worth your while by bringing it back to basics. I’ve taken a stab at consolidating three pieces of simple, meaningful advice for men who want to support the women they work with.
- As one ally to another, support their good contributions.
It’s not your job to get everyone to listen to women, but it can be your job to make sure they are heard when they have good stuff to say. What’s the downside of this? Nothing, really — apart from the risk of standing up for intelligence, which usually benefits both the originator and the supporter. It’s a kind of awareness that’s generally worth building, but it can particularly help women who give up easily on getting their point across because they’ve been overlooked many times before. Sometimes I perceive an interesting difference between women and men who receive pushback on their ideas — when junior women are questioned, they question themselves — when junior men are questioned, they wonder if they weren’t just misunderstood the first time. I don’t think this happens because confidence is inherently tied to gender — I think it has to do with the people in the room, typically senior men. When women look around and don’t see examples of other successful women, self-assuredness is more difficult to generate — or at least it’s a lonelier process. When a man appreciates the work of a woman, he sends a strong message that the gender representation in the room is not an indicator of value — that the playing field is level because the work is what matters. By taking a looming concern off the table, men create an environment where women can more confidently champion their own good work.
- Avoid gendered comments that imply a stereotype.
I’m sure you could think of other gendered comments that could make this list, but stereotypes are an easy category to fall into and for that reason they can also be some of the most damaging. Even the ‘wokest’ men I know slip up here pretty regularly — for example, in discussing with a roomful of men a leadership role I needed to fill on my team, all of them defaulted to the ‘he’ pronoun when describing the prospective candidate’s qualities. I know they didn’t mean anything nefarious by this, but the irony apparent was that I’m titled above this role and I’m a woman. I offer this benign example not to be overly litigious, but because it made me feel like a failure. I wondered instantly, have I made no impression on them as a female leader that they still jump to the conclusion this person will be male? It didn’t anger me, it challenged my self esteem. I immediately thought about what I still had to prove to this roomful of men, who I’ve known for years, have worked closely with and otherwise feel respected by. While they were still discussing the role, I was considering the best use of my energy — to chalk it up to inherent bias and ignore it, to inadvertnatly point out their slip by mentioning the female candidate I was considering, or to do some completely noble feat that would get them to realize on their own over a series of weeks that they actually associate the word ‘leader’ with the pronoun ‘woman.’ (In the end, I attempted all three.) Needless to say, when women make inferences from comments like these multiple times a day, it can be demotivating. It’s a mental minefield. Women wonder, if there’s no evidence that I’m transcending simple stereotypes, is there even a point in trying?
- Do unto others, objectively.
We’ve all messed up before. We’ve all made subpar decisions, we’ve all taken risks, we’re human. In environments where women are the minority — especially higher leadership levels — women feel the pressure of succeeding beyond just the work itself. They are aware of the magnifying glass above, ready to judge their contributions not just as a worker but as a unique voice in the room. Here’s the reality; women will fuck up. Not because men don’t fuck up, but because women are people and that’s what people do. And when they do it for the first time, it’s incredibly helpful that the fucking up be acknowledged as human nature and not as a grand sign to suggest they aren’t worthy of their post. A lot of women recognize they may have less chances than men, that their actions might be a little less forgivable, and their achievements need to be better than proficient— all in order to reassure others they belong where they are. Keep that context in mind when women fuck up, then remember the empathy someone once showed you in a similar situation— and consider paying that forward.
Alliance, awareness and empathy — these are three things we learn from the time we’re kids. But just because they’re basic doesn’t mean they can’t have a huge impact on equality, and actually that’s kind of the point. Many issues of our day are of course enormous and will require other things — structural change, economic change, cultural change, etc. But the women I work with every day crave these just as much because they directly address their basic workplace needs; to be supported (alliance), to be acknowledged (awareness) and to be understood (empathy).
It’s a mental and emotional exercise that requires practice and patience (other childhood fundamentals), therefore women owe men something in return — the room to work it out via trial and error. To other women reading this article, I implore you to give the good men you work with the benefit of the doubt. Yes, it’s true, we already carry the burden of so many things related to our own success (see paragraph one), but your gift of positive affirmation will yield more longstanding results than the satisfaction you will get from doling out punishment in the moment. Having patience for men who make an effort is definitely worth it.
For men reading this article, please have patience for our patience — and when in doubt, refer back to number three.
