We need a new word for love.
Popular culture has ruined a perfectly good word.
I don’t really like saying the L-word.
Sure, I’ll profess my love of books, but I struggle with the romantic connotations of the word. I realise this probably makes me emotionally constipated, and I should be discussing it with a therapist. But I also think it’d be in everyone’s best interests if society met me half-way. So, hear me out…
Most of our ideas around romantic love come from artistic representations of it — movies, books, poetry, songs: Pride and Prejudice, The Titanic, Romeo and Juliet, Unchained Melody. They say that falling in love is earth-shattering. That a chosen one will complete you. You’d rather die than live without them.
All very moving and great for selling movie tickets, but a total pile of bullshit.
Let’s break it down — what does ‘love’ actually mean? You feel fondness, warmth, admiration and affection. Being near them brings you pleasure. Basically, they make you feel all the warm-fuzzies.
Assuming you feel all of these at maximum intensity — even then, would it really be worth dying for? If the answer is yes — that, my friend, is not a happy or healthy relationship.
Here are the lies of love:
It is everlasting
Love equals getting married and spending the rest of your lives together, right? We’ve been told that when we fall in love, we want to spend the rest of our lives with that person. (That is why commitment-phobes hate the word.) But love and commitment are different things.
You can love someone, and still recognise major flaws in them or the relationship. You may want to be near them, while also knowing they’re utterly wrong for you. And of course, people change over time — physically, but also their priorities, needs, interests, moods, even personality. Even the most romantic books don’t suggest that love is so ethereal that it’s detached from the personality traits of the person you’re falling for. The truth is: love can absolutely be short-term.
It is all-encompassing
Sometimes you might feel a fondness and affection for someone, and really enjoy their company, but not have a passionate, all-encompassing need to be with them all the time. We probably call this friendship — but I’d argue this a true form of love. It’s love without the lies telling us that it needs to take over our lives to be real. Love does not remove your ability to focus on work, see friends, do hobbies or want time alone. (*Ahem* side note: sexual drive might, but that can happen with or without love.)
You must sacrifice yourself for it
This is especially taught to women — that you must ‘give’ yourself to your partner. A healthy relationship requires compromise by both people. If someone is sacrificing themselves for the relationship, that’s unhealthy and certainly won’t bring long-term happiness for either person. I have been both the obsessor, and the obsessee in relationships — and neither are pleasant experiences. If you’re prepared to give up your life for someone (literally or philosophically), I’m sorry, but you’re doing it wrong.
You will find the ‘one’
Ladies and gentlemen, there is no ‘one’ for you. I could go into the statistical likelihood of finding your soulmate amongst the almost 8 billion people on Earth — but I’m going one step further. Even if you somehow dated all 8 billion people, no one will match you perfectly. Unfortunately, part of being human is that you do annoying things, you form habits, you pick up emotional baggage along the way. There’s nothing wrong with that — but how can you expect two imperfect beings to have a perfect relationship?
Two people living together are always going to conflict in some areas. If they like the same hobbies as you, they are too frivolous with money. If they have the same family values, they make annoying chewing noises. If they smell divine, they don’t get along with your mum. Choosing a partner is merely choosing a particular set of (hopefully manageable) conflicts. Not such a good movie script, huh?
Now, for the truths.
Friendship is true love. Being a parent — or child, or brother, or sister — is true love. It’s true because we don’t tell the lies that come with romantic love — we don’t expect them to be everlasting, all-encompassing, sacrificial or uniquely special. We just enjoy the warm fuzzies.
If you’re not looking for a long-term stable partnership, it’s likely you’ll find several ‘ones’ and fulfil each other’s needs for a period of time. If you are looking for a long-term stable partnership (such as to raise kids), then get ready to suck it up. You will need to compromise. They will not be your perfect match every day — and you’ll need to find a way to love them anyway. I read the most beautiful typo once: Couples life together.
Let’s ditch all the romantic bullshit and talk about love in a pure and simple way. Maybe the books and movies and songs can keep their L-word, and we can create our own L-word. Any suggestions?
If you’ve enjoyed reading this, check out more of my (free) Medium articles here: A little bit about me and my writing.
