…And Don’t Stuff Dried Peas Up Your Nose…

Based on my own (informal) research, it is my belief that Mothers, from all countries, are imprinted with a Universal Mother Code (UMC).

There are some things about which Mothers always warn their children. They may utter the warnings couched in slightly different terms, they may utter them in another language, but the meaning does not change.

I have compared notes with people from Canada, Somalia, South America, India, Greece, the Ukraine, Poland, Portugal, Spain, France, Germany, Switzerland, China, Japan, U.S.A., Sweden, Egypt, Iran and Arabia, and here are some of the things all our mothers have told us at some time during our lives:

Favourite Warnings
(1) “It’s funny until someone gets hurt”

This warning applies to many favourite children’s games, such as: sand throwing; rock throwing; pushing each other off steps, benches, beds or any other furniture; jabbing with sticks, branches, cutlery or toys; water games involving wrestling and dunking; playing snowballs with frozen snow, setting things on fire with matches or lighters, and so on. (As you get older, the games may include drag racing, fist fights over girls and playing chicken.)

(2) “Wear clean underwear, in case you have to go to hospital”

This warning is a follow-up to number 1. Obviously, if one of the previously mentioned games ends up causing bodily harm to one or more children, then the possibility of having to go to hospital is realistic.

(3) “Wear clean nightdress/pyjamas in case there’s a fire”

This warning is in case there is a fire in the middle of the night, and you are rescued by someone (always a burly fireman), and carted down to safety on his shoulder. (Clearly you would be mortified to be wearing a torn item of night attire.)

(4) “Don’t rock on the edge of your chair/stool/log/board/bench”

This warning is intended for those who perch impatiently on the very front edge of a seating device and teeter back and forth. The rationale behind the warning is that the teeterer will end up flat on their face, on the ground (probably with a bloody nose). This warning is often followed up with warning №1

(5) “Don’t drink milk/water/wine straight from the bottle/jar/ container”
This warning is to preserve a somewhat germ-free drinking supply, and also to ensure that foreign bodies (such as mud, jam, syrup, playdough, sand, etc.) do not get into the main drinking supply container.

This particular warning holds special memories for me. When we lived in Portugal the fresh drinking water was kept under the sink — in 10 litre, basket covered jugs, as was the wine and the olive oil. In the summer, I used to rush in from the garden and bolt down fresh water in great gulps. One day I picked the Olive oil jug in error. After that I stopped drinking straight from the water jug.

(6) “If you eat too fast you’ll choke”
This warning applies to the bad habit children have of stuffing as much into their mouths as possible, and trying to finish a meal quickly so as to escape back outside to play. This warning is also related to Warning №2.

(7) “If you don’t do/stop that, I’ll tell your Father”
This warning is applied following any of the other six warnings. It is applicable at any time of the day or night, at any age and covers an unlimited range of pecadillos. It’s a Mothers’ Catch-all. Depending on the temper of the father involved, it carries more or less weight with the child.

(8) ”If you come home drowned I’ll kill you”
This warning follows “Don’t you go and play near the river, you might fall in and drown.”

9)”People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones”
This warning follows any argument with your peers in which insults and accusations have been exchanged, and in which you have come off the worse.

10)“You make the bed you lie in”

This is more of a comment than a warning, but most Mothers manage to make it into a threat. It applies to any situation where you have gotten yourself into trouble from which you are hoping your mother will extract you.

And finally:

11) ”Don’t stuff dried peas up your nose”.

Last but not least, this is a warning that applies to most small children’s love of poking small objects into any handy, bodily orifice. The logic given for this warning is usually “you’ll find out”. I have to admit that I was warned by my Mother, and no sooner had I been warned, than I tried it, and by golly, I did find out — it was a really painful and stupid thing to do (which I also only did once, by the way.)