And The Oscar Goes To
Every year my cinephile friend Gariana Abeyta would post her Oscar picks on my now defunct blog. So I asked her to give them to me this year so I could post them here. As usual, we agree on some (because I’m right) and disagree on others (because she’s wrong).
Best Actress:
SORO — Meryl Streep in Florence Foster Jennings, uniquely to piss off Donald Trump.
ABEYTA — She will lose and it’s fine. She has enough Oscar™ gold that she could melt it down into an actual working car. She should actually probably do that; it would be amazing! I’m going with Emma Stone in La La Land because I like safe bets.
SORO — And Stone won the SAG award so you’re probably right. I’m still sticking with Streep.
ABEYTA — SAD! UNAMERICAN!
Best Actor:
SORO — Denzel Washington in Fences.
ABEYTA — Was that released in Theaters? I don’t have Netflix. I’m going with Ryan Gosling in La La Land because I like the thought of people that are amazing dancers having to live with themselves after that happens.
SORO — I’m sticking with Denzel. And I sent you the free link to Fences so you need to watch it and agree with me.
ABEYTA — You stick with Denzel, honey. I’ll be over here in the winners circle drinking champagne with Gosling! He loves me! I can’t sing either! WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON!
Best Supporting Actress:
SORO — Naomie Harris in Moonlight who made me regret every joint I ever smoked.
ABEYTA — This is a tough category actually. Michelle Williams for the win in Manchester by the Sea.
SORO — Agree that Michelle was terrific.
ABEYTA — Well, this is awkward. What happens now, do we hug or something?
Best Supporting Actor:
SORO — Mahershala Ali in Moonlight, who also played Viola Davis’ boyfriend in Hidden Figures, and who needs a more pronounceable first name. Maybe he should talk to Archie Leach.
ABEYTA — I’m with you on this pick because I want to hear them try to pronounce his name on live television.
Best Director:
SORO — Damien Chazelle for La La Land.
ABEYTA: Damien Chazelle will win for La La Land. I’ll give it to him personally if he promises not to shut down the 405 again.
Best Picture:
SORO — La La Land even though I wasn’t a huge fan of this movie. There are two things I hate in life: soup and musicals. This was not soup.
ABEYTA — La La Land will win. It was an uphill battle the whole way.
SORO — All of Hollywood is an uphill battle unless you’re Jennifer Lawrence.
ABEYTA — Be very nice to Jennifer Lawrence. We are totally gonna need her when the food wars start.
Best Category that SORO never watches: Documentary
ABEYTA — O.J.: Made In America will win. I found this film utterly fascinating. Marcia Clark never figured out how to style or condition her hair!
SORO — I refused to watch this unless they found OJ guilty the first time. Just to be different, I’m going with 13th for the win.
ABEYTA — 13th was amazing! Marcia Clark’s birthday is August 31st. You wanna go halfsies on some Aussie 3 Minute Miracle Moist Deep Conditioning Treatment? I have Amazon Prime so we get free shipping.
SORO — I didn’t even see 13th. I also cheat at cards.
