Bad days & Good days

I rolled my first blunt in months today and told myself I’d only smoke half. It’s almost gone and I now have a resin stained lip. It almost reminds me of the first blunt I smoked with my sister when I was 13. I had never been high before & she hadn’t been to prison yet. I remember getting so stoned and just giggling with her. It was one of our good days. She took care of me that day, took me for a soda. made sure we were gone long enough and that I didn’t act too silly when we came home. Of course when we came home my mother knew immediately. It never was a secret. Looking back I think this was actually a bad day. It was a day that put the rest of my life in motion. Recreational drug use became accepted. Eating peanut butter and magic mushroom sandwiches at 14 years old on a Friday night got responses like “just keep it down and don’t leave the yard”. Being 14 I didn’t think of these as the bad days. When I was 16 and decided I just didn’t feel like going to school anymore and my mom just said “okay”, I didn’t think of how it would mold me today. I started working full time and I made a career for myself at 18. I now live a miserable life, stuck in this rotation of negativity that I am surrounded but I wish I would have made better choices for myself. I wish I would have had the will power to not sink into a drug habit at a young age. I’m 26 now and all I seem to have are bad days because I was lying to myself about what the good days really were for so long. I can’t get through my days without a Xanax or weed. I have this insane social anxiety but oddly I love people. My upbringing made me a fucking freak of nature but I’m also oddly okay with that too. I’m loud, obnoxious and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am never content in one place and I never learned what monogamy was. My parents relationship was so skewed I have such an odd outlook on love. I think I am lying to myself when I say I am happy with where I am. There are many things I want to change about myself but in order to do so I would have to change other aspects of me that I love. It’s a terrible feeling to love and hate yourself all at the same time. I want the bad days to be over. I want to stop forcing a smile. I don’t write these words for pity but merely self expression that I wish I would have been led a different path. Changes and sacrifices need to be made in order for me to accomplish the things I want. I may not have been told I can be anything I want to be when I grow up but now that I am grown up I know that I can do all things I set my mind to.