Being Disciplined is Important
But Beware of the Invisible Minefield
Being disciplined is important! When you are feeling stuck and want change in your life, discipline can truly help. The topic of discipline, however, can feel like a minefield. You need to be careful how you proceed, and destruction, i.e., failure, feels inevitable! This is why mental health practitioners often stay away from talking about discipline, myself included. It turns out that we have sound reason!
The American Psychological Association (APA) defines discipline as “training that is designed to establish desired habits of mind and behavior.” By this definition, it would follow that discipline would be a strong focus in the field of mental health. The reason that this is not the case is that discipline has been hijacked by perfectionism. The APA’s definition of perfectionism reads “the tendency to demand of others or of oneself an extremely high or even flawless level of performance, in excess of what is required by the situation.” Conflating discipline with perfectionism has caused us all to feel cautious and sometimes suspicious when we think about discipline, rightfully!
Some of the biggest challenges that I experience personally and that I see in my clients are patterns of unwanted thoughts and behavior. More specifically, we all grapple with something. And, whether it is procrastination, poor eating habits, avoidance, ruminating worried thoughts, emotional reactivity in relationship, or a harsh inner critic, discipline might be quite necessary. For example, if you procrastinate, it might be important to understand the reasons for your procrastination, but, creating a disciplined strategy for successful and timely productivity may be essential to experience true change.
It has become a challenge to do so because we have picked up, somewhere along the way (from culture, family, community), the notion that discipline means “a flawless level of performance.” Oftentimes, it is not a conscious idea but it lingers below the surface of your mind like a shark circling its prey. And when you begin to practice discipline, the shark attacks. If you are adhering to your strategies, you feel okay, but if you flail at all, the shark, in this case, shame and guilt, is waiting to attack!
Resultantly, collectively we have given up on talking about discipline. It feels too difficult to work against a force like perfectionism. But, what could it look like if we kept on trying to be disciplined but added to the mix a forgiving and soft attitude? Instead of expecting yourself to be disciplined 100% of the time, you strive for 60%. In the example of procrastination, you would use your strategy often, but not all of the time. Sometimes, you may still procrastinate.
I am arguing that this methodology has staying power! And, you likely have proof of it in your own life. Think back to something that you wanted to change in your life that you successfully now do with great regularity. It can be cleaning your home, exercising, calling your parents… anything. Examine why it now happens without much effort. I am guessing that if you have succeeded in the past in an area it was because you didn’t force yourself to be perfect at it when you began trying to change. The change you were wanting may have not been very meaningful, making it easier to do with less fervor, but the same approach can work with a change that you desire deeply.
Discipline requires planning, creativity, and play. If you have a change in your life that you’d like to make, begin strategizing on a plan to make it happen and adjust any expectations that you notice around perfection. Be soft and playful with yourself about how it will go. Expect success about 60% of the time at the start. Keep your eyes open for the shark of shame and guilt. And, when it feels present, remind yourself that you aren’t striving for perfection but you are striving for improvement. In this way, discipline can be an effective and essential force in your life and can help you to become unstuck!
