Empathy For Dummies
Ok it’s me, I’m the Dummy.
I was numb to the core. I couldn’t identify the specific emotion being triggered beyond the pre-school basics of angry, sad and happy. Inside Out would have been handy back in 2013.
A shift away from my inner self is welcomed with the open arms of a mother receiving a long lost daughter. The lab of self-work is exhausting and unglamorous. I take a well-earned break from deconstructing my propensity to couch my dreams with fear or disconnect to avoid hurt.
As human beings we are geared to be the champions of our own lives; cheering ourselves on when we think no one else will. As Alain de Botton writes in The Course of Love:
“We have little option but to be relentlessly on our own side.”
Although instinctively this mindset is necessary self-preservation, it builds a fortress around our hearts and renders us – me – cowards. What happens when we lose faith in our own uniqueness?
John moves his practice to a medical clinic and I find the blueish-grey walls and sticky linoleum uninspiring. I miss the essential oils wafting around the room and the gaggle of mismatched furniture.
It is here where the real work begins. The tears have been replaced with a determination to do as ordered, and FLOURISH!
After recounting the previous night’s discussion with my husband, John queries, ‘How could you have responded to him with more empathy?’
I proudly re-state the words I used -‘I’m really sorry that it’s been hard for you but it will get better if you just try.’ I wait for the pat on the back for being kind and understanding.
‘That’s not empathy Brooke. Can you re-phrase it?’
I try again - ‘I can see that you are feeling worn out but it will get better.’
‘Hmmm, not quite. You’re trying to solve the problem and being very dismissive. Let’s think about the situation a different way. How might he have been feeling last night?’
I draw a blank. I thought I had it right that time.
Saving me from my fumble, John throws me a life-line.
‘Empathy is when you genuinely understand another person and how they may be feeling. You reflect that back to them and then sit in silence. Empathy doesn’t try to solve, minimise, negate or compete. Empathy sits quietly in the discomfort and suffering of another and says, that must feel […] and I am here for you.’
He implores, ‘Have you heard of that definition before?’
I honestly don’t get it. For a smart girl, I am obtuse when it comes to subtleties of the heart.
‘Your homework this week is to watch Stephen Covey’s You Tube videos about empathy. They are a little dated but the content is still relevant. We’ll role play what you learnt in our next session.’
And role play it we did, over and over until I was at least in the ballpark of the right emotion. I began to recognise and articulate the kinds of emotions that might arise from various situations. It felt clumsy and frustrating, much like learning a new language.
I had some help along the way from Kellie, one of my best friends who also happens to be an empathy queen. I would text her conversations I wanted to have and she would show me the more empathetic way to say whatever it was that I wanted to say. It sounds contrived, but I needed the practical help. Clearly.
Brene Brown was my third source of wisdom on this matter. I could devote an entire piece to the lessons learnt from reading Daring Greatly. Essentially, she gave me the vocabulary for the murky feelings that drove my disconnected behaviours. Her definition of empathy is simple and powerful.
It was a three-pronged approach that turned me inside out and, after a great deal of practice, had me genuinely feeling with others for the first time, maybe ever.
I sit in the chair opposite John with a back that is straighter and a face more composed. I feel calm, and dare I say, optimistic.
We recount the past few months and the changes he has witnessed.
‘You’ve had a paradigm shift! You fundamentally see the world differently now. What a gift this is Brooke.’ He is beaming with pride.
‘I feel good John, I don’t think I will be needing you anymore.’
He pulls me into a tight hug and with a farewell shoulder grip, I step out of the dim room and into the bright day.
My soul expands with every breath of empathy I feel. Like a balloon filled to its capacity, it’s thin membrane vibrating in the atmosphere of connection. Empathy gives me a purpose beyond myself. But I’m still learning. Even to this day, I have to check myself and tune in to truly listen to and understand others.
Ah, life lessons and all that jazz. Who knew they could be so fun? But for now, let’s get back to the story shall we?
