Finally an open letter to my first love..
I stopped myself so many times from writing this because I didn’t want you to some how see this and think I still cared for you because I don’t. Because I didn’t want your new girlfriend, long term girlfriend now that’s how long it’s been since we’ve departed from each other’s lives, to think I was stepping on her toes or that I still cared. Because again I don’t and I’m most certainly not here to step on anyone’s toes. And lastly because I didn’t want to somehow interfere with the new family you’re about to begin.
But you must know if you read this or even if you never stumble upon it, I must know I gave myself this closure.
It’s been 2 almost 3 years..
And still I find myself being reminded from articles of others pain what tremendous, horrible pain you put me through. And I’m still angry, and I still hold resentments. And though I’ve grown mature enough not to let them interfere with my life or even with yours, I can’t help but hate you.
You made me believe that I was the greatest thing on this earth, that I was something special, that I had made you change your ways.
Then you took that all away.
I blinked and suddenly you made me feel like I was inadequate that no matter what I did I could not and would never be enough for you. You made me feel ugly and worthless, you compared me to the millions of girls you’d text as I laid in bed crying next to you.. One of which is your current girlfriend. Then you’d tell me they were just friends and I was “crazy.” But what you didn’t realize is that was a normal reaction to your behavior and I was far from it.
But then you pushed me and pushed me. You continued to take advantage of my love and the affection I gave to you every second of every day. You made me compete with other girls, you were a trophy and I was a member of the track team running and running and gasping for air but the air got colder as it filled my lungs and I was always just a few seconds behind the prettier girl in front of me.
Then you beaconed a prophecy of false hope every time I thought I still had the courage to leave. I was “the one” but I just had to wait a little longer until you were “ready”. Until then I’d be your secret while you slept around with every girl in town even the few “friends” I had left to pick me up when you pushed me down, you charmed them into sleeping with you too.
I had no one. I was hopeless. I was alone.
But I loved you too much to leave. So I dealt with it and I cried every night praying you’d have one of your girls of the night drop you off safety from that party to my bed safe and where you belonged where you knew I’d take care of you.
Then it got worse and you grew more and more absent so I tried to move forward with my life once again, accept that what we “had” was purely a fantasy and I had to live in the reality of being just someone you used. So I did I started dating again.
Then you decided you just wanted me, finally you wanted me. But I was just a whore and nothing more. I didn’t wait for you to stop cheating so I was a no good “preteen slut.” After 2 years of love and friendship you told me to “drop dead.”
For the first time in my life I truly believed something that came out of your mouth.
It was plain and simple you wanted me to “drop dead..”
And so I decided that I’d finally give you what you wanted, I could finally give you something that was enough, my life.
That night I tried to kill myself.
That night I almost succeeded.
That night you texted my phone and told me I was crazy..
You couldn’t be with me anymore, my depression my anxiety it was all “too much” for you.. I spent 3 whole years trying to be enough for you and it was too much.
