Finding My Worth..

Well that girl is me, or past me. Past me dating back to about a year ago. When I was genuinely happy. And when I say genuinely I mean that sincerely.

It took a lot of putting herself back together, after being with a boy who kept her a secret and treated her like complete and total shit and left her one day with no explanation and decided to never return. I like to call him..

“The love that almost killed me.”

Because it’s true. I literally tried to end my life over a boy who didn’t and still couldn’t give two, no pardon me, less than two. Who couldn’t give any fucks about me. And that’s fine I’m over it. I’ve been over it for a little over a year now. And the moment I took this picture I remember it quite vividly because it was the first time in a year that my heart felt healed.

Because I met someone else. But not just anyone else. I met several somebody else’s after the boy I thought I would have married broke my heart after wasting 3 years of my life. And when I say several I’m not saying that lightly either.. I tried to make it work with anyone and everyone to fill this empty void. I even lost control of myself and the respect I worked so hard for my whole life.

Judge me, I would’ve judged past me too.

Then November 10th 2015, I meet a guy who I don’t want to keep around for convince I meet a man (notice what I did there?) that I couldn’t have a convenient life without. And I fell. Hard.

Then by March a bunch of crazy terrible and horrible shit happened on both of our ends and it didn’t work out. He ended up sleeping with my cousin by July.

He got tired of me.

Because I loved too hard;

I did it again.

But he wasn’t all bad, did he have a problem with commitment? Fuck yeah.

But of all of the boys I’ve ever been with in my life he taught me what it was like to have a mature and healthy adult relationship. And I have no idea why when we split up I seemed to forget what that was like and settle for anything less than that.

I have no goddamn idea why I am not that happy innocently confused cute girl in that picture. I cannot understand why I have been so unhappy and miserable since then.

Wait? Yes I can.. Because I settled for less than what I deserved. Because I did it again. I chose to be with someone who wasn’t right for me because I couldn’t handle being left alone.

My whole life I’ve been incredibly independent. Especially when it comes to men. I lost my dad at 11 years old and my brothers been in jail since I was 12 on and off.. More off than on. And I have never “needed” to rely on any man for anything.

I learned to accommodate without them. So where did I decide I needed to depend on a man let alone any human being for my happiness?

Well it stops here.

I am one bad independent bitch, I always have been and I can say that without sounding cliche because I’ve lived to prove it. I’m 18, have a steady income, work for everything I have, go to school, get damn good, better than good actually grades, and don’t live with or even have the option to live with mommy and daddy. And that’s one big huge fucking accomplishment in itself and any guy who can’t see that or thinks that I’m an option they’re dead wrong.

So as I stated above the settling, the lowering of my standards? It all stops here. Maybe it’ll take me the rest of my senior year or my entire college career or maybe even after that but I will find the girl in that picture and I will get her back without the help of any man.