Food Is Starting To Get On My Nerves

Civilization took a wrong turn when people began salting chocolate. Somewhere, someone ate dark creamy Belgian chocolate or milky gooey Swiss chocolate and decided this needs salt. You never hear the mashed potato people proclaiming, “You know what these potatoes are missing? Sugar.”

I have a serious sweet tooth. It took me months to figure out that Cool Whip was supposed to go on other food. I once ran out of sugar and put Cherry Nyquil on my Cream of Wheat. I don’t recommend this unless your Cream of Wheat can’t get a decent night’s sleep or has a head cold.

Carrot cake and zucchini bread are merely ways to disguise foods that taste terrible on their own. Most people like ­cake and everyone likes bread, so somewhere, someone decided to slide vegetables in them like no one’s paying attention. Well, I’m on patrol over here at Casa Cavities so get your vegetables out of my sugar and into the garbage disposal where they belong.

Some misguided individuals substitute gum when they want something sweet. You chew, chew, chew and can’t swallow. What’s the point of that? I’m fairly certain the carrot and zucchini cartels had a lot to do with the invention of gum. But the biggest outrage for me was when people began pouring candy into their popcorn. And eating them at the same time. Like savages.

Speaking of ruining food with other food, let’s talk Raisinettes. Why spoil a perfectly good piece of chocolate by throwing fruit in there? Have you ever heard anyone smoking pot say, “Oh, if only we had some raisins.” No, and you never will.

And why does cheese need walnuts in it? Are squirrels not eating their fair share so we have a surplus? Or how about cheese with wine in it? Is that for the cheapest people in the world? We only have six bucks, we can get wine AND cheese. All these dairy-free people flying their freak flags and saying, “Oh, you’re eating cheese? I can’t eat cheese.” Then they have to tell you why they can’t eat it. “It gives me too much mucus.” I was on a blind date and that’s what he opened with. That’s where he went in a conversation where my cleavage was trying to have its passport stamped so it could leave my dress. To mucus. Why don’t we just jump to irritable bowel syndrome so I can go home early and fire up the old vibrator?

Can Wispride be substituted for furniture polish or is that its regular taste? Just knowing there is cheese in a can and that this concept wasn’t first debated on the Senate floor makes me think our government is letting important issues slide.

However, you salt enthusiasts will be happy to know Kraft Easy Cheese has twice the amount of salt found in natural cheddar. Maybe this is where we need to insert some chocolate.

And while we’re on the topic of things that are wrong, have you ever noticed that in restaurants they only serve orange juice in a small glass? Who decided that a small glass of OJ was all we could tolerate? That a large glass of OJ would kill you. Of course, we all know OJ will kill you but would serving three more ounces put restaurants in the red?

I hate these nutritionists who tell us we should eat our food while sitting down. That eating on the run is bad for us. And yet, running burns calories. So doesn’t it make sense that if you want to lose weight, you should eat on a treadmill?

It might be time for my medication.