Forgiveness Charm
Forgiveness is a virtue of the brave.
Ben Kingsley in the role of Mahatma Gandhi said, “If you take an eye for an eye, the whole world would be blind”, but share this with someone who has literally had his one eye taken out by someone else deliberately, and imagine how difficult it must be for him to forgive someone who had such a major portion of a human’s life taken out. I do not think I possess even an iota of the wisdom Mahatma Gandhi had, but in this write-up I try to emphasize why it is important to forgive because between forgive but don’t forget and forgive not for them but for yourself, this forgiving thing has been a roller-coaster ride for most of us.
As individuals, we associate a huge gravity on our own sense of identity. We call it by different names of self-esteem or ego or pride or self-respect, but mostly what we are trying to define is our own sense of identity. That being said, we do not like being betrayed, cheated on, lied to, and being shown a behavior that is not acceptable to us. In this phase of life, I am living alone in a city which is not my hometown, and I meet a kid regularly who is going to be three years old soon(although the way of her conversing proves she is way older than just three years of age, at least if we go by the sentences she frames). She being so young and cute gets laughed at when she does or says something. She never likes it. She makes a grim don’t-mess-with-me face, folds her hands and makes sure she says with affirmation every time she is laughed at, “Are you laughing at me? Why are you laughing at me? Don’t laugh at me”. She does it every time without fail. She can clearly understand when the laughter is directed on her rather than with her. My point is that a three year old has her identity attached in her mind so clear where she cannot tolerate someone else belittling her. We are talking about adults here, who through years of learning have associated some sort of deep seated identity associated with them. When they are laughed at, ridiculed, cheated on, betrayed, shouted at, belittled they get hurt deeply. Asking them to forgive the person who did something unusual to them, is a lot to ask for most of the times, but nevertheless the right thing.
There is a certain charm in people who are forgiving by nature, and just like all other charms, this is one of the most difficult ones to master. It takes courage, acceptance and moving on. However, the silver lining is that it is not impossible. When you ever get into a position where you have to forgive someone, remember who you are doing it for- yourself. Yes, sometimes you also want to save the equation you have with the other person, but most importantly you must do it for yourself. The suffering is happening to you when you choose not to forgive someone.
Another thing to remember is that human relations are extremely complex. While sociologists, psychologists and philosophers are trying to decode them since ages, it isn’t an easy task. Sometimes, when we look through our lens and note that we have been wronged, it is just one perspective. If looked at from another perspective, it could be the best thing the other person could have done and if not the best morally, but the best he could do in his circumstances. Most of the time, we have no idea what someone else is going through and we rub it on their faces that they have done us wrong while the reason they snap on us could be that they are going through a crisis of their own. In one of my favourite books, To Kill A Mockingbird, a character says, “You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view, until you climb into his skin and walk around in it”. That being said, forgiving becomes all the more important. Sometimes, people are controlled by their crisis, and they are not at their best, we as their well-wishers must understand this and forgive them.
Although I agree that some things done are never justified. In those cases, you must shift the focus on yourself rather than the other person because that person is living his life without an iota of concern for you, while you are wallowing in sorrow. In such a case, forgiving becomes even more important. This state of victimhood that you are delving into won’t do you any good. The victimhood philosophy says that I am in distress right now because I still cannot believe he did this to me two years back. Believe it or not, two years of your life have already gone by, and with this outlook you have, many more might just go away. Living in the past is something that is extremely unfruitful and disastrous. Whatever happened yesterday is stationary and in the past, and your life is going on in the present, it is a movement. In order to move with it, you need to put down the weight of the past, forgive everyone, even yourself and go on. Remember it always takes less effort to smile than it does to frown. A good thing that happens when we go through such a process is that we learn a lot of lessons, and those lessons should be the key takeaway for you. Make sure you don’t make the same mistake twice- forgive but don’t forget. If someone has done you great harm, make sure you make yourself such that he dare not do it again.
You must understand that no matter how unique you claim your experiences to be, they are mostly similar to the ones experienced by others. What differentiates people is how they deal with things they are not prepared for, and if you don’t learn to forgive and move on, you will make your life far more complicated than it really is and if you learn it, well, welcome to a happier mind my friend. Master the art of forgiving, learn from your experiences and never step on the same mistake twice.
You may reach out to me at sdshivanidubey@gmail.com.
