Fuck Reality

I’ve just read three heartbreaking things in a row. Three people doubting themselves. Three amazing, insanely creative people doubting their gifts, the connections they have formed online or their path in this world.

Fuck reality.

It is nothing but perceived expectations overlaid on a set of shared delusions.

Do you want to dream? Dream.

Do you want to skip school? Skip school. I certainly did!

Do you want to walk away from the greatest job opportunity EVER because your heart is bleeding out at even the thought of working there? Screw what your friends and family say. Walk away.

Reality is the shared dysfunction brought about by social pressure. It is programming designed to help us all co-exists in some utopian, unrealizable world that no-one understands or ever examines.

I am a man.

I am a son or father.

I am gay.

Each of these comes with baggage. Each comes with bits of instructions on how I am supposed to behave. What is appropriate or not appropriate in a situation.

They define a world that I think is real, but they are simply lines of social code. And the next person has their own stack of reinforcing labels.

Our path is found in examining what is inside. Our heart wants to be heard. Our lungs want to breathe without restrictions. Our blood wants to beat harder when excited.

The better battle is in learning to be true to who we are. And that takes trust and the courage to step outside of social norms and tell reality to go take a leap.

Connection is Connection.

Is an online connection the same thing as a friendship that was nurtured in the flesh? No, of course not.

Does that matter? Not in the least.

Before the Internet, we had pen pals. Before that, we had pet rocks. And before that, we had cave-graffiti parties.

Today we have the Internet. It’s like a pet rock, only with more porn.

It allows us to use anonymity to explore different sides of ourselves. For some, that’s becoming a crazy troll and trying to start the largest flame war ever (H. Nemesis Nyx: I deserve points for not linking to you-know-who here). For others, it is a way to explore areas that might not be safe to reveal in the world of friends and family.

It took me an insanely long time to come out of the closet, but thanks to the Internet, I was able to explore and find support when I needed it.

I’ve developed friendships with people around the globe. People I would later meet in real life. And it’s been pretty f’ing marvelous.

Studies have shown that young people create multiple online profiles. The shy, timid kid. The gay cross-dresser. The emo.

Danah Boyd has referred to this as a positive outlet for exploring who we are without any of the retaliation we might feel if we tried that in the flesh.

So when I read that someone is doubting the relationships they have built online, my blood goes cold. If things aren’t safe, then I get it. But I also fear they may be allowing some external voices to remove their safe space for exploration.

I know certain people on here.

I don’t know them the same way I might if we had met at the local supermarket. It’s far cooler that that. I know their fears, their doubts and their joy. I know their dysfunction and their triggers. I know their voice and their soul. And I see them without knowing the colour of the skin, their sex or their real names.

There is nothing wrong with using an online platform to explore our voice, meet amazing people and to grow as a person. Be safe, but don’t doubt yourself just because the people you feel most connected to are just icons on a screen.

The world can be harsh. I get it. But you also may need a space where you can explore who you are in a way that is safe and supportive.

Doubt and Our Journey

I get this. I really do.

I think we all experience it. But some of us feel it in a very particular way.

Some of you out there have a job you hate. But you’ve told yourself all the stories about how it’s a good job and the responsible thing to do for your family. And you’ve managed, somehow, to stick it out for an insane number of years without actually strangling your boss or poisoning a co-worker’s coffee.

And that’s awesome.

But there are a bunch of us who can’t hold a career, let alone a job, for longer than a couple of years. Sometimes a couple of months is all we can manage.

We start all gung-ho but then we get distracted or we find that next amazing thing that makes our heart sing.

And we doubt ourselves pretty seriously because of it.

We feel like we are broken. We just need focus. We MUST LEARN TO FOCUS!

We can’t even manage to focus enough to finish a book on how to focus better. (H/t to the amazing Alexainie there!)

But what if this is wrong? What if focus isn’t what we need?

I’m going to attempt to create the single, greatest list of my professions to date. But I will level with you, I always forget one or two.

I’ve been: a photographer, coach, consultant, agency owner, programmer, 3D animator, camera operator, gaffer, producer, strategist, account director, certified dog behaviour consultant, professional juggler, clown, artist, fast food employee, telemarketer, PR consultant, salesman, truck driver, movie rental clerk, airman first class, instructor…

I’ve bounced around between careers like a ping pong ball in a wind tunnel of crazy clowns with tennis rackets.

And I’m only half done.

An old mentor once told me that it never makes sense in the moment. Our path always seems random and disconnected. But one day, we will stop and look back and see the marvellous journey and how every little piece contributed to bring us to the amazing place we now stand. He was a wise old man and I miss him.

I’ve learned that I’m never really going to be great at focus. But more importantly, this isn’t really the problem.

The problem is the lens I choose to evaluate my path — the harshness by which I determine if I am a failure or not. It leads me to covet what the others around me have. This ability to focus on “one thing.” But it also blinds me to their sadness and my own.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve come to see that I would be better served by learning to listen and trust my heart. Perhaps in doubting myself less I will come to understand the wisdom that pushes and pulls me out of complacency and mediocrity.

And perhaps one day soon I will be looking back and smiling at that path I have taken.