God was here tonight.

sometimes the only one who gets it, is God. 
i think that is what the contradiction is. 
we look for the answers in people around us, 
search for it in things too.

but none can provide the comfort that God does.

and why that is is because when you talk to God, you start understanding that

sometimes it's not about knowing the answers, but rather going through the journey.

that is the growth He wants for us.

i sat there today and felt a million things, 
but not until i sat on that prayer rug, 
with Mecca in front of me (literally depicted on my rug and an image in my heart) 
did it hit me..

i need your comfort God.

see, when i was a child there were many times i’d be alone with parents working all the time. solitude i began to understand.
i learned to be alone, let time pass. 
it didn’t bother me.

but in all this, i learned to envision God. 
i learned to see him as the sunlight peering in from the window, 
to the moonshine gleaming in at night.

literally imagining a hand on my head, or a loving energy (for what He is), watching over me as i slept.

and it was so comforting. it was so comforting..

i constantly felt love, His love, His grace shower me.

and that is something i carried with me as i grew.

and then college happened. i was left to venture alone again. 
many of us college students will admit to the struggles, to the temptations, to the confusions, to the good humans we were, to the not so proud. 
to the dark times. and to the pure uplifting.
to the laughs while we were escaping, to the laughs that will always be remembered with loved ones that became family. 

to each their own, for college taught us all different coping mechanisms. 
repression or confrontation. as long as you survive each day.

i’m not going to lie, there were times things got dark. very dark. 
there were times i contemplated many dark actions and thoughts, alone. 
and in those times looking back, i know what was missing.

i didn’t imagine God as i used to. 
i couldn’t feel Him like i used to, with that same belief.

maybe i was pushing Him away.

He wasn’t talking or guiding me as He used to.

i couldn’t feel the strength He used to give, 
because i was lacking that strength in myself.

see in college, i gained strength for others, but lacked many times when it came to myself. i learned how to be truly selfless, but forgot that a little bit of selfishness doesn’t hurt.

God wouldn’t be in the room with me sometimes, or maybe He was and i wasn’t paying attention.

but God has returned ya’ll. 
and the real truth i hope we all understand is, as He told me recently,

He was always there and always will be.

God told me His love and grace will be eternal and unconditional.

that if i want that sort of comfort, to let Him in. 
to prioritize my love for Him, as He prioritizes His love for me.

to let Him take the wheel sometimes. so today i let Him.

when i finally caught Him up with what has been going on, 
i told Him how hard it has been. how much i had missed God.

so after a long time, 
when i laid my head to the ground in sajdah
i felt Him right next to me again. i felt that same comfort. 
i felt Him in the comforting smell of the rug as my nose lightly graced the ground.

i felt Him in the humility that surfaced within me, 
the humility and endearment he cloaked me with. 
to the shedding of my ego as though my purification was becoming a reality.

i felt God again today.

and with that i realized, God is always there.
it is you that starts believing otherwise.

So today He wrapped His grace around me, and showered His positivity onto me

when i curled into a ball and cried into my palms.
i wasn’t alone tonight. 
for He was there..

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