How Can I Appreciate What’s in Front of Me and Not Always Be Living in the Future?
Approaching Life’s Intervals in a New Way
Q: I have a habit of always looking toward the next big thing. I don’t know if it’s because I’m an idealist or because I’ve always been so goal-oriented, but it’s starting to occur to me that I spend almost all of my time living in the future, or at least more time than is probably normal. I find it really hard to stay present, not because I don’t appreciate it, but because I’m always trying to improve and create a better life for myself in each chapter. A lot of typical mindfulness techniques don’t work for me, and I’m worried that this is starting to eat away at the life I have now, or any goal that I might accomplish in the future.
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A: Very good question. Very relatable question, certainly for me and I’m sure a lot of dreamers out there. I love any opportunity to put widely applauded traits like goal orientation under the spotlight. It’s just so important to do because we’re really at risk of living on autopilot when we don’t question both the benefits and the drawbacks of any given pursuit. So what you’ve described is a shining example of how goal orientation can easily lead to a more skin-crawling feeling like idealism if we’re not careful.
So how to break free from this? How to sit and appreciate what you have now and what you’ll accomplish later while managing insatiability and not automatically just plunging yourself into what’s next? Well, let’s start by talking about what now is, and how you measure it.
Similar to the way I get irritated by ideas that are seen as universally bad or good (like goal orientation), I’m also a little grumpy about what I feel is a shortsighted way of looking at presence. We typically associate it with being aware of your breath, clearing your mind, noticing what’s around you, etc. There’s certainly nothing wrong with any of this, but what about other forms of presence? Are you not being mindful and present if you’re having a hard time listening to someone because you’re so distracted by thinking about how much they mean to you and how they’ve impacted your life? Or what about when you’re taking an art class and barely hearing the teacher’s directions because you’re too busy contemplating a really difficult conversation you had earlier, one which is informing the very work you’re creating?
The bottom line is that someone can be present and in the moment in their own unique way because there’s an unfathomable amount of stimuli at any given moment to hone in on — not to mention all of the ways those stimuli can be interpreted. So for anyone to sharpen their ability to appreciate the present, to me, it feels imperative that they learn what the present means for them, and what type of presence they really value if it doesn’t necessarily align with what we might hear about meditation or breathing techniques, etc.
And this is where your goal orientation comes in handy, and offers a benefit to you that you might not have considered. You said something interesting, “I’m always trying to improve and create a better life for myself in each chapter.” If you like goal-setting, then it makes perfect sense for you to measure the beats of your life by chapter, instead of by moment. So then, how about we consider not how you can ground yourself in each moment, but in each chapter?
Let’s start here: We all reflect on the good ole days, right? That’s something we can all relate to. College would be a good example for a lot of us. We might say those were the good ole days because we had more freedom, we were more experimental, our parents might have been a bigger safety net, we spent more time with friends, etc. All fun things worth missing — fine. But we might forget that there are parts of that chapter that we’re happy to be done with, too. We might not miss the financial struggles, the inability to set good boundaries, the career uncertainty, and the tendency to maybe be taken advantage of in any number of ways.
So whether it’s college, childhood, your first job, life before getting married, life before having kids, or life before the kids left the nest, all of these chapters come with their simplicities and their complexities. And if you’re someone who gauges your life by chapter, then think about the chapter you’re currently in and what’s going well right now, maybe even peaking right now.
I’m similar in idealizing things, places, people, events, etc., so I’ll be brave and I’ll start. Some things that are “just so” for me right now, or some strong values that are really able to flourish in this current phase of my life would be:
My cats. They’re ages 2 and 1, both very active, very healthy, very mischievous. They’ve got a ways to go before age gets the better of them, but that time will come and I’ll miss these good ole days of them being young and spry.
My health. I’m able to make a lot of time for exercise and playing sports, and this will get harder to do should more responsibilities pile up and when my body starts to break down.
My friends and social life. I live in California again, where I have a lot of friends, friends willing to get together and be outside all the time. If I get married and have children, this shouldn’t drop off of course, but there won’t be as much time for it as newer, more important priorities will need more space.
So these are just a few examples. They’ve shape-shifted recently, and they’ll shape-shift again as gradual or sudden changes occur in my life, whether they be goals I set for myself or unexpected happenings that I can’t control. And as someone who thinks about the overarching, big picture more so than moment-to-moment, it’s peaceful for me to stay present and acknowledging of the gifts that this chapter has to offer. And my advice for you is to try the same thing, rather than trying to fit yourself into the box of how most people interpret mindfulness. If it’s not for you, it’s not for you. You do have other options, so don’t be afraid to try them on for size.
