How conversation can create (mis)understanding
I often wonder how easily we misunderstand each other when trying to engage in a conversation.
Good intentions expressed at a time when the recipient is not responsive. The way in which the advice is passed on verbally.
It can be real easy to get onto thin ice, when we try to reach each other but forget or are not aware of, all the parts of how to be having a conversation.
The good news, I’ve found, is that conversations skills can be learned.
I grew up in a family where none of us really listened to each other. We would all talk at once, interrupting each other. Raising our voices to get heard. It was like a thing we just did. No thinking about it. When we talked, none of us could hear anything. Needless to say we had very little understanding of each other.
I don’t think this behavior gave me a great basic knowledge on how to be having a conversation.
When I, for instance, wanted to give someone some good advice, I had not learned about the importance of asking and listening. I would simply offer my advice — without asking if that was what the person needed.
Problem Solved!
When offering to solve a problem BEFORE the problem is identified, it will unfortunately and without a doubt result in a non-equal conversation. By offering my advice before I really know what is going on, I appear as if I know better. I appear as if I point fingers.
Example:
Me: Hello, how are you?
Person: I don’t feel well today.
Me: Well, don’t just sit there. Take a walk and get some air. It’ll make you feel happy again.
Person (irritated and reluctant): Yes, yes …
Me: But seriously, you’re much better off with some fresh air!
Person: Leave me alone, I need to be alone.
Whether or not the conversation is parked quite as fast, has much to do with the relationship you have with the person you are talking to. But maybe you can recognize the situation?
Perhaps you’ve been in both situations. Being the “know better” or the one “needing time to think”.
I have done this many, many times. In the very best of intention, I have tried to ”help” someone else by offering some good advice, without the person expressing a need for it.
The trouble here is, that I don’t give the other person any room for telling me anything. I just move on to the “fix the problem stage” as soon as I can.
It leaves the other person with a feeling of me being ignorant, non caring and/or a “miss know it all”.
On the contrary. When my solution was received with a irritated face expression rather than a thank you, I could not understand why.
In my world my intention was real. I just wanted to help out, yet no appreciation. It was a real puzzle to me.
I forgot the importance of asking, listening and staying focused. I just pulled my idea of a solution over the head of someone without realizing.
How can I help?
Do you want some help or would you like me to just listen? — Ask!
It can be hard to find out what a person needs if you don’t ask. Second guessing is not working. Trust me, I know. I’ve tried it many times. Besides, it is a waste of time. It’s always 100% better to know.
When we forget to ask questions and/or to pay attention to what’s being said we lose out on valuable information. Information which can make us wiser. Information which can make us grow.
To have a great conversation we need to be equal. If only one of the two is speaking it becomes a monologue.
There has to be a fair thoughts- and idea sharing in the conversation to keep it flowing and to make it a success.
Ask, listen, pay attention
I show interest in the person by repeating the words being said. I will need to stay focused to do this. The person will know I am because of my repeating, my eye contact and open body language. The person I speak with, will be able to say whether she wish for my help or not. The conversation is then equal.
Example:
Me: Hello, how are you?
Person: I don’t feel so well today.
Me: Well, I’m sorry to hear that you are not feeling well. What’s wrong with you?
Person: I don’t really know, I just feel sad.
Me: I’m sorry that you feel sad. Is there anything I can do?
Person: No, I don’t think so , I just need some time alone. But thank you for asking.
Time is the answer
We need to spend time to understand each other. There is no quick fix to this. Not if you wish to get a positive result that is. It’s ask and listen and stay focused.
This applies for individuals and for businesses. The basic principles are the same. Interestingly enough I find a lot of businesses don’t seem to get this when they are on social either. Others are very good. But hey — that’s another post I think. :-)
Practicing daily
I’m practicing on becoming better at listening and asking questions every day. The family is a great place to do it. Your kids for instance. Listen to them. He or she is sad. Ask why. Show care and interest. Forget being busy for a while. It will not work if you are stressed out.
When you meet your child the “listening” way — he or she will learn that being sad (for instance) is a feeling which is normal and perfectly fine. It will help the child to express him-/herself too.
But again, there is no quick fix here. It takes work. It takes time. Changing years of old behavior into something new.
However, I’ve found that once I became aware of my conversational misunderstandings, I enjoy the process on becoming better.
How about you? If you have any thoughts on this I’d love to hear about them in the comment sections.
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