COMEDIAN, ACTOR: Seinfeld, Curb Your Enthusiasm. AUTHOR: Mommy Tried to Kill Me http://amzn.to/2d1FCxN

Dec 4, 2016

How I Got Divorced From My Separated Shoulder: My Christmas Letter

I hate 2016.

Everyone I know hates 2016.

I have a feeling I’m also going to hate 2017–2020.

My new book is out so I coined the word ‘paperbook’, a combination of ebook and paperback but I keep getting the red line under it so screw spell-check and the portmanteau it rode in on.

Bill Gates has not read my book so he’s an idiot

I awoke one morning and couldn’t get out of bed because of all the screaming coming from my face. I had no Advil, no Aleve, no alcohol. I put out an SOS on Facebook and Twitter for someone to run over with Advil. My Twitter followers, all 5360 of them, ignored me. SO GLAD I ONLY FOLLOWED 2971 OF YOU BACK.

Facebook was kinder and someone offered to bring me Advil in an hour, presumably right after I dropped dead from the pain. I hoped someone could buzz him in downstairs.

Several people diagnosed me with a separated shoulder. All the best medical advice is on social media.

I called my next-door neighbor who had a sling and narcotics from his recent arm surgery. I chugged a strangers’ narcotics for ten days straight. I could only sleep sitting up, which is every bit as restful as you can imagine.

It wasn’t a separated shoulder; it was a UOA.

UOA stands for Upper Outer Arm and is not covered on Web MD. Pick one of these to figure out which part of me is damaged. Doctors’ opinions’ appreciated. Please include a picture of your diploma.

My neighbor also bought me a very generous supply of cold cuts and three dozen eggs so I didn’t have to go food shopping with my UOA, which made it impossible to drive.

I still can’t sleep lying down flat so now am the Princess and the Pea with a thousand pillows.

This is not me unless you too are on a stranger’s narcotics

I now hate cold cuts and eggs.

When I poke the area of the UOA that was pinched it still hurts. Like most normal human beings, I keep poking it hoping that one day it will not hurt because I believe in magic and am probably still high.

I also sniff a carton of spoiled milk and put it back in the fridge. And pull at a loose button to see how loose it is. And wait until I have no clean plates and have to eat out of stolen hotel ashtrays. It’s occurred to me I might be a single man or a really hostile teenager.

Merry Christmas.

(click on the little green heart or you’ll break mine)