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Taryn De Vere
Joy bringer, writer, mother of 5, parenting coach, performance artist, sex-positive. Find out more about me here: https://www.patreon.com/TarynDeVere

How To Apologise

A guide to send people who are shit at apologising

  1. Sit somewhere quiet and fully feel into the pain and distress you have caused. Imagine what the other person must be feeling. Think HARD about what you would want or expect from someone if they treated you the way you’ve treated them.
  2. Admit ALL the wrong you have done. A half apology, a “It wasn’t really my fault” apology is a non-apology. Own it all. Yes it is uncomfortable but trust me, you will feel way better if you own it all and do this properly. In order to do this you need to park your ego for a bit. Put the defensiveness aside and allow yourself to be vulnerable. Question your motives. Look deep so you can learn and grow.
  3. Apologies are not things you say, they are things that the person you’re apologising to can FEEL. Don’t apologise until you are genuinely regretful and willing to own the totality of the harm you caused. If that is going to take you some time say “I’m processing what I’ve done, I know it’s bad and I will come back to you more fully soon about this. I need to think about how to handle it.” Do NOT say nothing and allow loads of time to pass.
  4. Don’t just do nothing and hope everything will blow over with time. It won’t and that is a douche move.
  5. When you’re ready to apologise try and do it in person, look the person in the eye and acknowledge ALL the harm you have done to them and apologise and outline your plans to repair the damage you’ve done.
  6. Apologies ain’t shit unless they are backed up with real life actions. What actions are you taking to repair the damage you have done? What reparations need to be made?
  7. Some studies have shown that it takes 5 good acts to make up for a bad act, think of 5 kind things you could do (this works well for kids too who have to make something up to someone) make a list of 5 nice actions you can do to repair the damage you have caused.
  8. Learn from what you did and try not to do it again. Our words and actions have consequences, sometimes deadly ones. Be kind, to yourself and others.
  9. Know that you don’t have the right to EXPECT someone to forgive you. No one owes you anything, least of all someone you’ve hurt. They may not forgive you no matter what you do. It’s important that you make EVERY effort to make reparations for the damage you’ve done.
  10. Know that by doing a good, thorough apology you did the right thing, you did all you could to make it better and forgive yourself for whatever you did. As long as you make it up to the person there is no point beating yourself up about it, move on and try and learn from the experience!

I’m not paid for this piece, if you want you can support my work by shouting me the price of a coffee :) https://ko-fi.com/taryndevere

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