How to deal with Toxic Parents
There are people in your life who will lift you up and support you whenever you need them. And there may be others who delight in tearing you down or causing you pain. People with toxic behaviors (“toxic people”)* will be biased and can make your life miserable. But you can not tolerate them and reclaim your life. It can be particularly disheartening and challenging when a toxic person like this also happens to be your parent or someone you’re tasked to co-parent with.
What is a toxic parent?
To be clear, “toxic parent” isn’t a medical term or a clearly defined concept. When people discuss toxic parents they are typically describing parents who consistently behave in ways that cause guilt, fear, or obligation in their children and make you feel alone. Their actions aren’t isolated events, but patterns of behavior that negatively shape their child’s life and cause trauma.
The thing is, parents are human beings. And that means that they may make mistakes, yell too much, or do potentially damaging things to their kids — even unintentionally. But their impulse is to do better and make things right.
A toxic parent, however, is more concerned with their own needs and controlling you than whether what they’re doing is harmful or damaging. They likely won’t apologize or even admit that what they are doing is wrong. And the abuse or neglect tends to be ongoing or progressive.
Characteristics
“Toxic parent” is an umbrella term for parents who display some or all of the following characteristics:
- Self-centered behaviors. Your parent may be emotionally unavailable, narcissistic, or perhaps uncaring when it comes to things that you need. It may feel like all situations return to the same question: “What about ME?”
- Physical and verbal abuse. Abuse may not always be hitting, yelling, threats, or something totally obvious either. You may encounter more subtle abuse like name-calling, shifting of blame, silent treatment, or gaslighting.
- Controlling behaviors. Toxic parents may invade your privacy or not allow you to make your own decisions. Or maybe they’re overly critical and controlling of your decisions, even as an adult.
- Manipulative behaviors. Your parent may try to control you by using guilt or shame to play with your emotions. Toxic parents may even hold time, money, or other items as pawns in their manipulation game.
- Lack of boundaries. Toxic parents tend to push and push and push to get their way. As you tire from their tactics, you may simply give in to ideas or situations out of exhaustion or frustration.
Outbursts and bad days are perfectly normal for anyone to have, including parents. But if the behaviors you remember from your childhood are constant or have some type of pattern, you may want to take a second look at how they impacted the person you have become.
Think back to your childhood and ask yourself:
- Did my parents emotionally abuse me? Did they tell me I was worthless or just plain bad?
- Did they physically abuse me under the guise of discipline?
- Was I forced to care for my parents at a young age?
- Was I scared of my parents or their actions? Was I afraid to show my anger or frustration to them?
- Did they make me keep secrets from family or friends about things they did to me, like physical or sexual abuse?
How are your toxic parents impacting your life?
Toxic parents can make your life miserable and hell. They are notoriously manipulative, controlling, and critical at all things. They make it difficult for you to breathe and emotionally separate yourself from them so that you can make your own choices, set your own goals, and live a fulfilling life. Instead, you may question your decisions, never feel good enough, and riddled with guilt when you say no to them.
Left unchecked, toxic parents can take over your life and cause significant psychological damage. It’s not uncommon for adult children of dysfunctional, alcoholic, or toxic parents to feel trapped — unable to stand up for themselves and futilely trying to appease their parents.
What can you do when dealing with a toxic parent?
While you cannot change someone else’s behavior, setting boundaries can limit the interactions you have with toxic parents. It can also help you take control in the situation and feel some power where you may have felt powerless before.
As an adult, you may still be influenced or overwhelmed by your parents. You may even feel like you’re waiting for someone to give you permission to escape from that influence.
Here’s the thing: You are that person who can grant yourself permission. You are that person who can decide to change and take back your life. And you can start as early as today by making a plan.
Stop trying to please them.
It’s normal to want your parents’ approval, but toxic parents are nearly impossible to please. And more importantly, it’s your life and you’re entitled to make your own choices and do what makes you feel good.
Living your life according to someone else’s values and goals will leave you chronically unhappy and unfulfilled. And if you live your life trying to please your parents, you’ll be their captive — forever seeking validation and love from people who probably can’t give it to you.
Set and enforce boundaries.
Boundaries help us set clear expectations and limits for how others can treat us.
Boundaries create emotional and physical space between you and your parents. This is probably something you didn’t have as a child, so it can feel uncomfortable to set boundaries and start telling your parents how you want to be treated.
- Be straightforward with the boundaries you define — and don’t leave them up for interpretation. While your toxic parent may not be happy being told what to do (in fact, pushing beyond your limits is likely one of the ways they are toxic!), they will lose the ability to push you past your breaking zone.
- Make communication about boundaries clear and consistent. Stick to your guns. It’s OK to say NO to your parents if they have gone too far. At the same time, stay calm and resist blaming and getting overly defensive (some parents feed on this energy).
- Continually check in with yourself. Are your parents respecting your boundaries? If not, you may need to come up with a plan B, even if it means cutting contact for some time.
Don’t try to change them.
Trying to change people who don’t want to change is a waste of energy (and will leave you extremely frustrated). Instead, focus on what you can control — how you respond to your parents, your choices, and your behavior.
Be mindful of what you share with them.
Trust is an important element of healthy relationships and we should only share personal information with those that have proven themselves trustworthy. Unfortunately, your parents may not fall into this category if they gossip about you, criticize, share things about you without your permission, or use what you tell them against you.
As an adult, you aren’t obligated to tell them everything (or anything) that’s going on in your life or answer their questions. Share only what feels comfortable and safe.
Always have a strategy to exit.
When things start deteriorating, take that as your cue to leave (or ask your parents to leave). Chances are that things will only escalate (they’ll drink more, get angrier and more obstinate). So, it’s safer to end your time together at the first sign of trouble. You aren’t obligated to stick around just to be polite or to make your parents happy.
Don’t try to Argue with them.
There’s no way to reason with someone who is irrational, emotionally immature, or intoxicated. So don’t expend a lot of energy trying to get your parents to see your point of view.
It can be sad and frustrating to accept that you can’t have a healthy and mature relationship with them because they are closed-minded or empathy-challenged. Be assertive about issues that matter to you, but at the same time, don’t expect your parents to care about or understand your point of view.
Don't be at your parents’ beck and call.
This is a much-needed type of boundary. Toxic people will take and take unless you say no to their excessive demands.
You can help them out if it’s feasible and if it’s appreciated, but you’re not obligated to be their chauffeur, maid, gardener, or therapist — especially if they’re treating you like dirt the whole time. Nor do you have to be their errand boy, be on-call 24–7, or take their phone calls and reply to their texts immediately.
Take care of yourself.
Dealing with toxic parents is stressful and that stress takes a toll on your emotional and physical health. It’s essential that you take extra good care of yourself.
Start with the basics like eating healthfully, getting enough rest and sleep, exercising, connecting with positive people, acknowledging your feelings and giving them a healthy outlet, getting support, and having fun. It will be easier to set boundaries, choose to respond differently or detach when you’re at your best physically and emotionally.
Source Credit:
https://www.livewellwithsharonmartin.com/free-yourself-from-toxic-parents/
