How To Forget The Names Of Everyone I’ve Had Sex With and No, I’m Not Bragging

I hadn’t seen Melanie in years when she relocated to New York from London after landing a job with director Martin Scorsese. I can still hear her shouting at me for mispronouncing his last name. “It’s ScorSESSY, not ScorSAZY.”

She arrived with two men who I hoped wouldn’t bore me to tears with their golf scores and love of fantasy football. My fantasy football consists of Ryan Gosling as quarterback and the Magic Mike dancers as cheerleaders.

Melanie and I proceeded to catch up but one of the guys kept interrupting her so he could talk to me. He was annoying and kept touching my arm. I moved my chair a few inches and rolled my eyes at Melanie who appeared not to get the Girl Eye Roll. Maybe they didn’t have that in London. The men went to the bar to get us drinks.

“Who is this moron?” I asked Melanie.

“Are you kidding me?”

“Oh my God I’m sorry, is he your boyfriend?”

“No, he’s not my boyfriend. What’s wrong with you?” she hissed from across the table.

“Me? What’s wrong with him? He won’t stop touching me.”

“Maybe it’s because you slept with him in London.”

Well if you’re going to count that, fine.

“I did?”

“Yes, you did.”

“He obviously didn’t make a big impression on me. Just some random guy I met in London during my slutty years.”

“I introduced you. He’s a good friend of mine.”

“Oh.”

“He really liked you, begged you to stay in London for a few more days.”

“Wow.”

“I can’t believe you don’t remember him. He’s Werner Herzog’s assistant.”

“The director?”

“Yes. And he wrote a book.”

“Huh.”

“On the filmmaker Werner Herzog.”

“Still not ringing any bells.”

“You and he had the same Milton Greene Marilyn Monroe lithograph. He has number 7, you have number 9.”

“Oh, that guy, Jeff.”

“Not Jeff.”

“Aaron!”

“Alan, his name is Alan.”

“Of course, Alan.

“You still don’t remember him, do you?”

“No.”

Like you never forgot the face of a person you slept with. Or in what country you slept with them. Or their name. Admit it; some of the people from your past are pretty blurry now.

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