How to stop being a dick to yourself
“I WISH I COULD RUN ACROSS A BEACH INTO MY OWN ARMS”
– SAID THAT DICKHEAD, KANYE
If you haven’t already guessed by my mention of the Lord of self-love — Kanye West, I’m here to talk about Self Love and why you should get on that bandwagon — quick smart.
Are you already on there? Have you ever even considered it?
I’m not condoning Kanye West’s egotistical, self-absorbed love of himself,
like thinking you’re ‘God on earth’ (he actually said that)
BUT I’d rather you loved yourself too much than not at all. Hopefully you come out somewhere in between — quietly confident, and humble.
I’ve found in my experience that the majority of people actually struggle to find even AN IOTA of self-love for themselves — they scrape the very bottom of the barrel like: Oh yeah — found a smidge of love down here for me — let alone think along Kanye’s lines of: “How could you be me and want to be someone else?”
I’ll tell you what the dictionary — a relatively reliable source — says that self-love is, it’s having: “REGARD FOR ONES OWN WELLBEING AND HAPPINESS.
See how it says: “Regard for one’s own…” That means it’s not anyone else’s responsibility but your own, so it also means NOT giving your heart/your worth to someone else and going: “Here this is your job.”
I’m kind of bored of relying on other people for important things like your entire self worth.
I did it for the first 22 years of my life and it didn’t get me far.
You’re your own problem; people have their own shit to deal with let alone putting the required time and effort into you and yours. So just pause for a hot second and take back the reins on this one. Its for your own good — you deserve to love yourself as much as Kanye loves Kanye and I do, kinda, wish that for all of you reading this.
Lesson 1: Please immediately shift your priorities around so that your relationship with you is numero uno (1 mate)
For me, a lot of my self-love woes (or lack thereof) stemmed from being bullied as a child and copping years of rejection in the modeling industry as a teenager… and maybe growing up ‘wog’ with a Greek family and always feeling a little different. Now that I’m older that “Nup, not good enough” expressed itself through my mind (Nancy) and what it said to me.
Yes I’ve named my mind, whatofit.
Have you noticed how it’s always too willing to supply you with an infinite list of why you aren’t good enough and just sorta skims over or totally IGNORES what you should love about yourself?
Like its quietly whispering the good things in your head — hoping that you don’t hear them — and screaming your downfalls throughout your subconscious. On repeat? When’s the last time you thought to yourself: “Fck I’m ace-ing my job lately” or “I’m liking what my hair is doing today. I look good”?
**crickets.
Nup, just the usual negative self-talk then?
“You look tired mate, those bags under your eyes have like permanently moved in haven’t they?”
Yeah, I used to feel like that.
If you feed that voice by listening to it and giving it your attention, you are giving the negativity more ammunition.
You’re putting out to the universe that that’s what you’re focusing on and therefore “you must want more of” so you are presented with more. You know: “What you think you attract what you imagine you create” (said some fat face little Buddha).
Say some nice things to yourself once in a while. Miranda Kirr says to herself: “I am perfect in all that I am and all that I am not. Nothing external to me determines my-self worth. I am happy and content being me.”
I quite like it.
The mind runs because you are giving it the power of your attention. Withdraw your attention and the thinking, chattering mind will start to fall away.
Lesson 2: Get control of your negative mind chatter (its not very self-loving)
Granted, its easier said than done.
You could start by practicing on the small things that happen in your day — like being snubbed when you say hello to someone you know on the street. Watch your mind have a field day on that one:
“Oh my god. He just saw me and purposely ignored me. Like I wouldn’t notice. Rude. Idiot.
He mustn’t like me.
I wonder if he’s got the shits at me for not coming to his birthday drinks the other night”.
Etc, etc. Life’s so horribly hard.
See below, I’ve found a quick little exercise that’ll help you with what to do in this sitch. See also here: 9 things (because I couldnt think of 10) that I did to love myself for more pointers.
When you love yourself you are confident, you know your worth, you attract what you desire into your life, you feel complete and happy on your own, you realize your body is your temple and you treat it that way. You treat yourself and others with kindness.
You are the most important person in your life.
Or are you still thinking maybe your dog is more important? Or your partner, or your partner’s dog?
Of course its great to have a partner who also loves you — like Kanye loves Kanye — and to remind you of all the lovely things about yourself, when you’ve forgotten, but try not to rely on that person as your only source of validation & love.
My man-friend from time to time, goes off on boys trips with his mates –they’re all currently in Europe together. Occasionally I go off and do my own thing too. Sometimes (although I’m in a long term relationship) I’ve had to just be okay on my own.
The first time he went away -2 years ago — I realized I had virtually no relationship with myself, didn’t really love myself (relied on him for these things) so you can imagine the rude shock I got when I was left alone, twiddling my thumbs waiting for him to return, like: GET BACK HERE WITH MY HAPPINESS.
I think it’s really important when in a relationship to have occasional alone time. Be a team — but don’t smother each other. Let the other explore their independence. Being left alone became a blessing in disguise, it forced me to learn to rely on myself more and build that relationship with myself.
Lesson 3: Make sure you make yourself and time out to yourself a priority
If you F up something and forget to be kind to yourself — try this little exercise. I read about it from a woman called Byron Katie — who yes, has a first name AS A SURNAME.
She’s well known for her book: “The Work” which says to:
Write down your re-occurring limiting belief or negative thought that you have about yourself and then answer the following questions:
1. Is it true?
2. Is it 100% true?
3. What are you like when you have this thought?
4. What are you like without this thought?
Then turn this thought around to its opposite.
Groundbreaking.
I thought it was.
Some of my favourite self-love secrets:
- Listening to Deepak Chopra’s little 7-ish minute guided meditation called: The Secret of Attraction — click here
- Ummm. Unfollow anyone on Insta who are just all about themselves and whose ‘grid’ is predominantly made up of photoshopped photos of themselves that leave you feeling entirely inadequate. You dont need to see that shit as you’re working on yourself (actually, follow me and I’ll give you some weekly pep ups (Thatachellesgirl)
- Read “Become” by Emery Allen (short book of self-love poetry. But not the eye-roley cliché kind, I promise).
- Read “Turn yourself on” by another Aussie writer, Marina J — there’s lots of little clever exercises in here too
- Checking in on one of my fave Blogs: “Getting Naked” by self-love and relationship guru, Tamra Mercieca (I met her at a Wanderlust Yoga Festival in Brisbane).
- Let Andrea teach you mindfulness so you can learn to shoosh that neurotic, detrimental mind chatter.
- Start putting aside approx 10% of your weekly wage into a separate account that’s literally just for you to splurge on you. I do it to pay for things that help me work on my self-love — a book, a weekend retreat, a gift for myself. I find this way I don’t feel guilty for occasionally splurging on myself & it makes me feel kind of LOVED.
X Bec
