I almost tried to kill myself

I’m glad I failed

This is something that I am extremely uncomfortable writing about but it’s about time I let it out.

There was a time in my life where I had just ended a relationship with who I thought was the love of my life, this is in 2013, my mother suffered from extreme depression and there were constant fights at home. I had no sense of identity whatsoever, no purpose to live. Apart from that, I thought I had no friends, whatever friends I had were not close enough to talk to. I considered myself a total failure, everything seemed like a mess and I decided it was time to end it all.

That day in 2013

I go to the nearest convenience store and buy a bottle of rat-kill (a rat killing poison) and shampoo, I do not need the bottle of shampoo, I buy it only so that the shop owner cannot guess I’m using his outlet to buy ammo for my dangerous plans, also I don’t want the shopkeeper to think I am a suicidal freak (the fact that even before dying I was concerned about my reputation was proof enough of how messed up I was). Inside the shop, I meet a friend’s mother who notices the bottle of shampoo in my bag (and not the poison), she tells me, “oh! my daughter’s use the same brand” and after that Mrs. X and I have a fifteen minute conversation on shampoo, dandruff, her daughters and other things that I cannot clearly recall but what I do remember is feeling panic, wanting to get away from her as soon as possible before she notices the discomfort on my face or the small bottle of rat-kill at the bottom of the bag that I am holding. Then I go home, my mother is in her bed, at the time she would constantly be lying comatose on the bed and her condition had become unwatchable for me. I go to the bathroom and place the Shampoo bottle on the shelf and remove the bottle of rat-kill and uncork the lid. I stay inside the bathroom, for about half an hour, struggling. After thirty minutes of struggling with whether I should do it or not, I open the bottle, put it to my mouth but I cannot do it. I dump the contents of the bottle in the pot and I come out of the bathroom feeling guilty and breathless, my heart beating really fast in my chest.

I wish I could tell you that my life changed completely on that very day, no it did not, I battled anxiety and depression for another five years after that but today, on this day of 2017 I am so glad I did not die in 2013.

My life in 2017

Fact 1: My mom has completely recovered from her depressions, though she remains as beguilingly Indian and overbearing as possible.

Fact 2: My anxiety has considerably come down, thanks to the methods I learned during the Vipassana Course.

Fact 3: I have given up my career as a lawyer and started to do what I love which is writing and now I feel fulfilled and happy from within every single day.

Fact 4: After a lot of struggle with my identity, I have finally come to a point where I have accepted my personality and my family now respects and admires my anti-social, dreamy and philosophical nature (this one I am still scared will turn around one day and they will start taking me to every family function and event and say go socialise, I cant even say i’d rather die, I tried to die, I din’t want to).

Fact 5: All of these facts could come true only because I chose to live, I chose to fight and I chose to believe in a brighter tomorrow.