I Am A Born-Again Lazy Person

As many of you know (because I won’t shut up about it), I’ve been working at My First Grownup Job for the last month and so I haven’t been able to write as much. I used to churn out Medium pieces like they were hotcakes and now I’m churning them out like they’re… not hotcakes. Clearly my creativity has suffered.

My job is only part time but seeing as it’s a hectic ER job, I’m pretty drained when I get home. I’m also not used to this thing people call “working.” I thought I knew what it was like after doing an internship for three years in college, but now I know that the internship was cushy as shit. Seriously, universe, thanks for spoiling me with the best internship on Earth. I had:

• hours that were completely flexible. I could work a 10am-12pm, or a 9am-5pm, or even a 7pm-8pm… it was beautiful
• I had a shuttle that picked me up a block from my house and dropped me off a block from my job
• I worked but sat on my butt the whole shift
• There was free food ALL THE TIME
• it was nice and cozy and no one spit on me

Clearly I was an idiot for thinking I knew what working was like because now I have:

• a 45 minute commute there and back (I love Los Angeles) in my old cheap gasguzzling car
• 8.5 hour shifts, no flexibility there
• no food outside lunch unless I hide Starburst candies in my scrubs
• patients who spit, puke, bleed, and poop so often that I carry bootie covers in my back pocket
• numb legs from being on my feet and walking or standing for eight motherfucking hours
• the knowledge that I make exactly the same per hour that I did at my internship but get social security taken away from each paycheck now too in addition to taxes and it’s part time so I have no benefits… I’m not crying, you’re crying!

It’s honestly a great job and I knew what I signed up for (and it’s only encouraged me with my healthcare career goals) but I am so very tired.

Do you know what I do when I get home?

NOTHING.

And I love it. Oh, do I love it. But I also hate it?

I am exhausted. I know that some of you who have had jobs for years are laughing your butts off at me right now but this is new for me. I am a baby. I haven’t had problems during my shifts but it’s after my shifts that I have had issues with doing anything whatsoever.

I vegetate completely when I’m home. I am a potato. A potato baby. I nap, eat, watch Netflix, hang with loved ones, and laze with my dog. If my friends ask me out for drinks, I have to have coffee or an energy drink before we meet. Last weekend I went to Las Vegas with friends and it took such a gargantuan amount of effort that I’ve been yawning nonstop since then.

I AM TIRED. I AM LAZY. I DO NOTHING PRODUCTIVE. I BOTH LOVE IT AND HATE IT.

This is why I have written nothing. I’ve had fleeting ideas which I quickly jot down but it’s typically nothing more than a sentence or title. Then I never write it because the idea doesn’t come to me and I don’t feel like brainstorming because I’m tired and I’d much rather be watching It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia or skimming medical cases while eating ice cream or playing the laziest game of fetch with my dog. It’s not that I don’t like writing, it’s that lately I’ve liked doing nothing more. I hate that! I’ve never been an unproductive person. I keep telling myself that I’m just burned out after finishing school and need some time to chillax, but I also keep telling myself that I better get with the program soon if I want to be a successful healthcare provider. What am I going to do when I have to juggle work and kids? When will I start going to the gym again? When will I go outside to catch Pokemon???

New ideas are coming with greater frequency though, and I’ve been inspired to get out more lately. I feel like my brain is adjusting now to making room for nonmedical things again (considering how much I had to cram for this job), and I feel more energetic. I have some fresh ideas in the works so I just wanted to update you guys.

I don’t want you to think I’ve ditched Medium or stopped writing altogether. I’ve just taken some time off to be my potato self.

See you all soon!