I thought I will figure out everything by 22; still jobless at 27

Hi, my name is Aanchal. Medium says to tell your story. So here I am going to tell you my story. I have always been an ambitious girl with big dreams. Bachpan se heroine banne ka shauk tha ( I always wanted to be an actress). But then as I grow up I started realising that I am not beautiful, so that option became just a silly dream.

Then I wanted to become a fighter pilot but my maths teacher clearly told me “beta tumse na ho paega” as I am not good at Maths. And maths is ‘SUPER IMPORTANT” to clear that exam. So I couldn’t explore that option.

In class 11th, they command teenage students TO Make the MOST IMPORTANT DECISION of their life and ask which stream they would like to take. I have always liked biology subject. It interests me to learn about the human body. So, I opted for biology.

Everyone was glad at my home. My mother, father, and surprisingly I too. My mother must have even dreamt of me becoming a doctor.

I went to school with a positive attitude, but to my surprise, I didn’t feel well in class. I mean, I loved the subject I chose, but my friends were not there. Friends, I loved the most after my parents. My friends chose commerce. They were enjoying and having fun. Whereas I was all alone and I am scared of being alone. Well, the irony is that I am a single child with no siblings, so I must know how to live alone. But I could not, at least not at that time. So, In a quest for happiness, I changed my stream to stay with my friends, at school. I opted out from a subject I liked to a subject which I Hated.

Well, at this point, not just you all readers, but the entire school knew that I am a loser. And to make things entertaining for others, I changed my stream 4 times between Biology and commerce. I settled on commerce because friends were more important than my career.

Now, after literally counting down those days, I passed my 12th. A new challenge was waiting for me. I had to decide what I have to do next. All my dreams were gone. I didn’t know what to pursue further in a subject that I hated and was totally clueless about as well. The only thing I knew was that I want to make money. So a girl who hated commerce and was not good at maths, decided to pursue Chartered Accountancy… Slow claps!!!

But in my defence, I knew only about CA or B.Com. The concept of a career counsellor didn’t exist at that time. To push myself further into a dark hole, I cleared the first level of CA exam. This raised the hope of my parents. I went to Delhi to prepare for the second exam. I decided to join the most famous CA teachers. Outside their coaching, I saw students queuing like we were all ants. That coaching clearly didn’t pass the vibe check. I didn’t want to be part of that rat race. But I was already embarrassed by the ‘changing subject drama’ so by saying that now I am not even interested in CA, I couldn’t have tolerated being the butt of jokes. I didn’t say anything. But till when could have I stayed silent. After gaining a lot of courage, I told my father of quitting CA and pursuing Journalism.

Oh yes, I didn’t tell you. My dream was also to become a journalist. But I thought it was another silly dream just like becoming an actress. Just like actresses, Journalists need to be beautiful and we have already established that I am not.

The title says that I thought that I will figure out everything at 22. So; I thought time was passing by and that thought gave me courage to pursue journalism. I met some of the loveliest people and some not so lovely people there.

Thankfully, I got a job with one of the most reputed media houses. But I never liked their work culture. Journalists who were raising their voices against the injustice of the world were sleeping silently on the injustice happening to them and to people who were sitting just right next to them. Media houses celebrate toxic work culture. They think that working 12 hours for a 9-hour job is a task worth back-patting. Every old employee tells a newbie to run away like they have entered a haunted house. But we will leave this rant for some other time. In case, I find readers interested to know about my miserable life choices.

Anyway, I quit that job after 1 year to take some time off for myself. I came to my hometown. I wanted to go back to explore some other options I thought were worth trying. But just after two months, the first wave of COVID hit. The government declared National Lockdown. Nobody was allowed to leave their home and from that day I am sitting at home. I left my job at 24 and now I am jobless at 27.

I don’t regret those life choices, because when I was taking those leaps of faith, I knew that I will not let myself fall. What worse might have happened is that things will not work out. So, what I will think of something else. But I will never let myself fail. But now that I have tried almost everything in life and nothing gave me happiness, I feel scared. I am afraid that I will never find happiness or money, the two things I wanted the most. I won’t go back to those life choices. Because they are all tried and tested and their results are always going to be the same. I don’t know what to do in life because I will not be able to handle the failure of one more wrong life choice. I am scared of taking the next step.

And, hence I am standing at the same place for the past 3 years.