I Took the (Click)Bait

Three Things I learned About Hotness

Let me start with the confession. I have been known to click on clickbait, even realizing that I will undoubtedly be disappointed, and this is the outcome of one of those moments. You know how it goes: you’re scrolling along, admiring pictures of your friends’ cats and babies on Facebook as you should on a Saturday, when there is that intriguing picture, that title that piques your curiosity, and the next thing you know, you’re wasting precious minutes of your life clicking through utter crap surrounded by a billion ads.

So there I was, minding my friends’ business, when an extremely ugly, perhaps even Photoshopped, woman appeared, along with a title something like “29 Celebrities That Used to be Hot…Wait Till You See Them NOW!” I know, I know, but forgive me my sins (this is still a confession, after all). I knew what to expect, but I wanted to know who that was in the dang photo.

I never did find out. I made it maybe halfway through the series before becoming too disgusted for words (at myself as much as anyone else). But, I did learn a few things along the way that might have made the time lapse worth it.

1. I Will Never Be Hot Again

After three or four clicks, a couple of trends in the series became clear: a) all of the once-hot celebrities were women, and b) quite a bit of time had lapsed since they were hot. Some of them were photographed in the most compromising (at least of hotness) activities of all; I suspect at least a couple of them had just been in some sort of major accident, they were hung over, and were finishing an intense and makeup-free workout. Despite this, they actually looked pretty damn good for their age (as female celebrities typically do). It’s just that when I say “quite a bit of time,” I mean three, four, five, or as many as seven decades had passed in some cases since their hotness. They were all hot at maybe 18 or 20, and now that they are, for example, 76 (Raquel Welch), 81 (Sophia Loren), 94 (Betty White)? Not so hot.

So what did this teach me? Aging is Bad — at least for women. Here I had actually thought that I look pretty dang good, especially for someone in their mid-50’s, but nope. Wrong. Not even remotely possible. Plus, it’s only going to get worse from here. Same for you ladies reading this. You might as well save all that money you’re giving to Estee Lauder, quit the gym, break your mirrors and invest in a winery.

2. Nobody Else Will Ever Think I’m Hot, Either

Assuming that I’m not the only person who will stupidly click on the bait, other people will also quickly realize that I’m no longer hot. Because the average clickbait viewer isn’t going to give it a lot of thought; they might not even notice that only women lose their hotness. They probably won’t calculate how it took these women decades to lose their hotness. Just: Once hot, now, not hot. Or more likely, Once hot, now Ick, and Ewwww! Because, let’s be honest: before and after is jarring, people! If my husband should view this series, for example, it would only be right for him to glance up at me, over at our wedding picture, and run screaming from the room and the marriage. Co-workers surfing in the next cubicle? Might as well shoot me now.

Now I know there have been a number of articles on Medium by middle-aged women who have expressed concern about their looks these days, but you should find this all to be a relief. Yes, it’s true: none of you are hot. But, neither is anyone else over 25 (max)! There is, however, one caveat: only white women appear to lose their hotness. Because there were no women of color shown, I can’t speak to whether there are no women of color who are hot, or if they simply don’t lose their hotness. But given how privileged I am, I’m assuming they’re just not hot.

3. Nothing Else About Me is Important

In addition to foolishly thinking that I didn’t look so bad, I’d also been misleading myself into believing that although I have a wrinkle or two, I make up for it in knowledge and life experiences. (Plus, I make some really mean baked goods.) Wrong! Although most of the celebrities continued with distinguished careers well past the point of hotness (Betty White, anyone?), it would seem that there are sharply diminishing returns. In fact, the only item of concern on the clickbait site was, hot / not hot. I mean, Meryl Streep was on the list; Helen Mirren. They’re still making a movie a week and winning awards. But, not hot.

There you have it, ladies. If you are, say, 30, you can just give it up in the looks department. And nothing else you do will matter, either. So sit back and enjoy the rest of your lives; maybe write some more pointless articles on Medium. (Just don’t vote for Hillary because she’s not hot.) And lest you stop to point out that it’s just clickbait, the “real” media isn’t a whole lot better. We know more about what Hillary wears than what she says. We’re a little concerned about Beyoncé’s politics, but hey — she looks great in her leotards! Kate Middleton? Who knows what she thinks, but her hair is amazing! Judi Dench? Hmm…I think she’s still alive.