If I Could Do It All Over Again

One of the things that constantly bugs me is the mistakes I have made in the past. By no means do I have any obsessive disorder. However, the knowledge that with the right education I could have turned out a lot different in life always seems to bug me. When I feel myself getting down or depressed I sometimes slip into a world of imagination and fantasize a million what-ifs.

Recently I noticed I have stopped these fantasies. The realization forced me to ponder why and in my exploration I decided the best way to figure out my answer would be to try again. So I took the usual route beginning at five years old. I always thought that was the best place to start in these fantasies because this is when your career in public school begins.

With good grades, a club, and a sport later I find myself meandering into middle school and devoting extra time to studying so I can start high school early. Of course, high school would go by fast and as a smart teenager I would get into a college on a full ride scholarship. A lawyer, doctor or even a professional artist would have been in my future no doubt.

This is where things started to get tricky. I noticed when I got to college years during this bout of imagination, I started to feel uneasy. Doing some quick math, I figured out if I entered school for the same medical track I am on now in said fantasy I could have ended up a surgeon before I was 30. This led to the realization I could make enough money to retire before I was 50.

That’s pretty much where it ended. The happy ending I was always trying to figure out over the years when I would feel empty and frustrated. And yet…I wasn’t happy. I tried to understand my feelings…

Then it hit me. The thing that I was missing wasn’t a thing at all. It was my boyfriend.

I wouldn’t be in college right now if it wasn’t for his encouragement. I wouldn’t know what I was meant to do if he hadn’t guided me. And if I had taken the prosperous path in life I never would have met him.

Filled with this realization I felt a moment of empty silence wash over me. For the first time in my entire life I let go of all the regret I once had. What had bugged me all of my life was that when bad things happened there never seemed to be much reason for them. My life felt like it was never going anywhere positive.

Before I had even noticed I had become so happy with my boyfriend that nothing in the past mattered anymore. I was on the right track now. Even though it felt unfair to be going at it later in life than other people, I was okay with it now.

Acceptance is powerful. Love is powerful. Time is powerful.

We as humans are powerless.

When we attempt to put together the puzzles in out lives, we don’t always have the pieces we need. You can find pieces scattered throughout your life until one day the last piece fits in allowing you to take in the beauty of it all.

What I guess I’m trying to say is this: if I could do it all over again I wouldn’t change a thing. I wouldn’t want anything to risk this feeling. I would never want to take the chance I never met him.

Maybe when I get married someday I’ll write my vows on a puzzle and make him put it together.