If You Give a Perfectionist a Shower Curtain
A Brief Chronicle of Inner Struggle
We had been out of our apartment for nearly two months because of mold, and the day had finally come to move back in. Of course, that same day, the main sewer line collapsed and our ceiling flooded. With sewage, I assume. (#glamour)
I was emailing back and forth with our property manager to figure out if we had to vacate again, when the following text popped up on my phone from my husband:
“Going to pick up new shower curtain while I’m out. Need anything?”
Cue all-encompassing inner dread.
“No, but I want to approve the curtain before you buy.”
I added that wry smile emoji at the end of my text to downplay the all-encompassing inner dread.
I tried to sound casual as I mentioned it to the co-worker who shares a desk with me. (Not an office. A desk.)
“I’m a little nervous, because Myles is picking out a new shower curtain.”
“What, is he going to get a Star Wars curtain or something?”
“Ha, no, he just…he might pick up something super dark and manly, or plain, or with stripes. Or he might pick up a Star Wars curtain.”
I spent the next half-hour and my drive home imagining what type of shower curtain he might pick out, until I received his FaceTime call.
Fluorescent lights lit up my iPhone screen as Myles patiently showed me every curtain in the aisle, one by one.
“Nope. Ew, no. No, not that one. No, that one’s hideous. Nope, too busy. That one looks like an old-timey quilt. That one looks like a 90’s popcorn shirt. EW, really? No.”
My anxiety levels rose as I realized it’s impossible to properly analyze curtain details on a small iPhone screen.
“Really wish I were there with you.” I was trying to subtly hint that I wanted to go pick it out myself, while also trying to pretend like I was a very chill and relaxed person. “Are you in Target?”
“No, I’m in Walmart. Why, should I go to Target?”
“Oh, yes. You can’t get a shower curtain at Walmart. Target is the way to go.”
He FaceTimed me again ten minutes later, with a new montage of curtains.
“Eh, no. No. No. Maybe. Eh. Wait, let me see that other one again? I think…I think the flowers one is good? What do you think? It’s hard to see on FaceTime.”
“I can always buy it and then we can return it if we don’t like it.”
INT. APARTMENT/BATHROOM — NIGHT
“Oh! That’s not what I thought it would look like.” I was looking at a curtain Maria von Trapp would’ve pulled down and turned into a Laura Ashley print dress circa 1995.
Myles glanced at it. “I don’t mind it, I think it kinda goes with the new paint.”
Oh, to have that kind of brain: the walls are yellow, some of the flowers are yellow, bingo bango.
“Yeah…it’s okay.” Not okay. Not okay. “Good thing you have the receipt though!”
“Uh, yeah. Good thing…”
“You have the receipt, right?”
“I think so?”
“What do you mean? Why wouldn’t you?”
He rustled the Target bag, patted his pockets down, put on his guilty face. “Oh, you know what? I threw it out. In Target.”
I tried to keep the all-encompassing inner dread off my face. You are a very chill and relaxed person.
“Oh, why…why would you do that?”
He shrugged. “I was tired.”
“You were tired, so you threw out the receipt for the curtain that we were going to possibly return?” I asked this like I was asking why someone preferred toilet paper to roll under instead of over, gentle curiosity.
“Yeah.”
“Okay, well…it’s not that bad.”
The following is a log of my thoughts, words, and actions after that statement, which I said around 6:00PM:
6:01PM — returned to stare at curtain.
6:02PM — left bathroom.
6:03PM — returned to stare at curtain.
6:04PM — left bathroom.
6:05PM — returned to stare at curtain.
6:06PM — Myles: “What are you doing?”
Me: “Nothing. Just…checking.”
Left bathroom.
6:07PM — returned to bathroom and pulled the shower curtain all the way to one side. “You know, I really love the new tiling they put in the shower. I love it so much, I might actually want to leave the curtain all the way open, all the time.”
Myles: “….okay…”
After registering how dirty the bathtub was, I pulled the curtain back across. “Never mind.”
Myles: “…okay…”
Left bathroom.
6:08PM — returned to bathroom. “It’s not that bad.”
Myles: “Well, you know, with the towels and stuff, it’ll be…”
Me: “Yeah! Yes. The towels will mute it down.”
6:20PM — You’ve always wanted your decor to be sort of Van-Goghy, just think of it as a Van Gogh shower curtain! Those weird mustard flowers look sort of sunflowery…
6:32PM — Maybe you should just remove the shower curtain altogether! Marie Kondo would tell you to get rid of it; it’s not bringing you joy. You don’t need the curtain part, just the liner. You’re trying to live more simply anyway…
6:35PM — …that would be heinous.
6:48PM — Maybe you can think of the curtain as a symbol of the willingness to accept things that aren’t perfect. Let it challenge you!
8:05PM (in shower) — Maybe Target accepts returns without a receipt!
8:10PM — Googled Target’s return policy. They accept returns without a receipt.
8:14PM — “Myles, guess what? They take returns without a receipt!”
Myles: “……”
Me: “You threw away the packaging, didn’t you.”
Myles: “Yes.”
8:47PM — This is good for you. You need to learn to be uneasy with things, you’re too controlling.
9:03PM — Is that a masochistic thought? Why would you want something to bother you? Oh no, is that another mental issue altogether??
9:07PM — You’re really overthinking this whole thing.
EXT. CAMPUS — MORNING
8:49AM — Maybe I could dye it?
9:20AM— It’s not that bad.
11:57AM —Maybe I should leave it up as a barometer of my mental sanity. If I can look at it and feel fine, I’m doing good. If it bothers me, I need to take care of myself.
12:34PM — People judge people by their shower curtain. Shower curtains tell you a lot about a person. What is that shower curtain going to say about us?
12:56PM — There were worse shower curtains in that aisle.
1:48PM — I hear the voice of the almighty God within me say, “Focus, Katie. Forget about the shower curtain.”
2:05PM — Is God annoyed that he has to talk to me about petty stuff like shower curtains?
2:48PM — How long do shower curtains last, anyway?
3:04PM — How long do shower curtains last if you totally neglect them?
3:26PM — What if I ask for a new shower curtain for my birthday?
3:42PM — When did you get this bougie?? You never used to be like this. It’s a shower curtain, for cripes sake. Be grateful you have one.
4:21PM — read the following passage from Leaves of Grass:
“This printed and bound book — but the printer and the
printing-office boy?
The well-taken photographs — but your wife or friend close and solid
in your arms?
The black ship mail’d with iron, her mighty guns in her turrets — but
the pluck of the captain and engineers?
In the houses the dishes and fare and furniture — but the host and
hostess, and the look out of their eyes?”
Felt personally shamed by Walt Whitman.
It’s not about the things in the house you ninny, it’s about the people. You need to focus on the purpose of the home, on Myles, on the people who come through the door.
INT. APARTMENT/ENTRYWAY — AFTERNOON
5:34PM — Myles: “Hey babe, I was thinking, you hate that shower curtain, I hate that shower curtain. It’s an ugly shower curtain, and it’s a sunk cost. Let’s go to Bed Bath & Beyond and pick out a new one.”
I started laughing, hard. Myles looked confused.
I waved him towards me. “Come here. Come here and hug me. You have no idea the turmoil I’ve been in over that shower curtain. I have a problem.”
I yelled “YAAAAAAAAY!” into his shoulder. We pulled apart. “You know, this is the most romantic date you’ve ever taken me on.”
“Really? No.”
“Oh yes.” I looked down at the outfit I had worn to work. “Oh no, hang on, I need to go change. I look exactly like the kind of person who would shop at Bed Bath & Beyond. I can’t go like this.”
I went in the bedroom and traded my midnight blue polyester shirt out for a snakeskin T and my charcoal pencil skirt for some white shorts.
Myles peeked his head through the door. “You know, the fact that you think you need to change so you don’t look like the kind of person who would shop at Bed Bath & Beyond might be the bigger problem.”
5:43PM — ….oh no, is that a problem??
