Life is a funny thing
There’s no blueprint, roadmap or app telling you what to do. There are lots, hundreds, thousands even, telling you HOW to ‘do’ life, particularly at the moment — fill it with yoga, mindfulness, meditation, particular diets, exercise regimes etc.
But as to finding the ‘what’…I suppose school, followed by university or perhaps straight into a job or apprenticeship, is supposed to indicate to you what you want to do.
It’s never really worked that way for me.
I’ve been trying to find my ‘what’ for years…probably about 20, in fact. Perhaps more — everyone remembers that question from their childhood — “What do you want to do when you grow up?”
My most vivid memory of this is at a gymnastics class when I was about 8 years old. It was my first session and I was petrified but, determined to be strong and brave like my mother, I carried on like everyone else wasn’t staring at my scarlet leotard and cross-over cardi (more appropriate for ballet, to be honest) and did my forward-rolls as instructed. When we divided into groups, the instructor asked the fateful question and I, painfully low on self-esteem and embarrassed at wanting anything let alone a career, finally confessed to wanting to be a pop star. I loved music and I loved singing and the thought of being famous, to a middle child in a family of over-achievers, was quite simply fabulous.
Fast forward 8 years and I find myself on work experience placements at a primary school (surprisingly rewarding!) and an animal shelter (dull, with dog poo on the side).
A few more years go by and I am confronted by the thought of choosing A Levels. There is no convenient requirement to study one art subject, one humanity, as with GCSEs. I actually have to make the decision based on what I like.
Shit.
What do I like? I genuinely didn’t really know. And that just made me feel rubbish.
Luckily my wonderful history teacher suggested a history A Level might be a good plan (thanks Mr Nelson!) so I had one. From there it wasn’t too difficult to pick a couple more based on where I achieved the best grades.
Once I reached university (BA Historical Archaeology fyi) I thought I had it down as to what I liked — I had my ‘thing’! But by the end of my first year, I knew I didn’t want to be an archaeologist.
And here I am now, nearly 28 and still no idea what my ‘thing’ is. Daft, isn’t it? But, as my counsellor explained to me, it’s really quite simple. I’ve spent most of my life pleasing other people without ever really dedicating the time to find out what pleases me. My chances of finding my ‘thing’ have always been pretty low.
So, here I am, looking for my ‘thing’, trying to get to know myself and often feeling like it is an impossible task. Today I made a list of some things I am certain of:
- I am a daughter
- I am a sister
- I am a girlfriend
I didn’t get any further really, but today hasn’t been the best of days.
But, perhaps equally helpful are the things I have learned over the years that I am not:
- I am not an archaeologist
- I am not a PA/Office Manager
- I am not a project manager
(If anyone happens to see my ‘thing’ please let me know…I’m sure it’s out there somewhere…)
