My Apologies
These Tears are Real
Confession time.
I’ve been posting stories poking fun at Medium, Medium members, Medium membership fees, Ev Williams and Ev Williams’ glasses.
I acknowledge that eliciting laughs at the expense of others or their eyewear is wrong and can be downright hurtful. I sincerely apologize to the aforementionables if my jest was taken as insult and for any pain it may have caused. I hope there are no hard feelings that would lead anyone to perhaps make my posts really hard to find resulting in their fetching only a few hearts rather than getting published on the front page where they belong so they can bring joy to all the wonderful peoples and get all the hearts. (Not that anyone with the power to do that would; just sayin’ my last post did rather poorly.)
While I’m at it —
To the rightful owners of all image copyrights I’ve scammed for the purpose of enhancing my posts: I am sorry. I fully intend to sit down one day and find out what I owe you. I don’t know what I’ll do after that. Probably post about it.
To my wife: I have painted an overly rosy picture of you in my posts, making you out to be some unattainable amalgam of a goddess-like supermom/wife always playing straight (wo)man to my adorably cute buffoonery. I apologize. You are far from perfect. I love you.
To my kids: Pretty much ditto to you what I said about Mom. I love you too.
To Medium writers of How-To posts and nothing but How-To posts: I’ve called your content superficial, unrealistic, self-serving and as useful and relevant to readers as a Gwyneth Paltrow recipe. All that was said in my head but never put into published words until now. I apologize for the wait.
To all the unnamed, terrible bosses from my past whom I’ve used for various rant posts which therapeutically served to help move me past a fixated thought of how utterly ignorant, idiotic and unconscientious you truly were …
I forgot where I was going with this.
Finally, to all Medium trolls, hate-mongers and bottom feeders with parents who lacked the good sense to have you thoroughly checked before unleashing you on the world only to have you buy a PC with that first paycheck from Famous Footwear and translate your mental halitosis into the brutish writings of a goon intent on elevating the toxicity level of this exceptional yet woefully monitored website resulting in the understandable exodus of upstanding, talented writers with too much grace to deal with your kind another second: I blocked you. I’m sorry I didn’t do it sooner.
And ya know the problem you have of never being understood? It’s terminal.
I’m sorry you’ll never read that.
