Negative Emotions Are Important
My parents taught me to bottle up my emotions. Not overtly, of course. My parents didn’t sit me and my siblings down and say “you have to bottle up negative emotions,” rather, the teachings were subtle and observational. Both of my parents employed this technique on me, my brother, and my sister. None of us were magically spared. And it took me years to realize that the reason why they used this method was completely due to the fact that they didn’t have the tools to deal with their own negative emotions. They were both damaged in their own, unique ways, but their damage led them to this fundamental similarity.
Intentionality
I used to be really mad at my parents, and I never quite understood why. They gave me everything they could: a nice home to grow up in, plenty of food in the fridge, family outings. But, there was always this mysterious force enveloping each one of us, individually. There was just a feeling that something was missing, something wasn’t quite right.
When I would get upset, I learned I couldn’t talk to my dad at all. He had a very transactional view of the world. If I was sad, it was because either I was wrong or someone else had done me wrong. The actual sadness was skipped over, not dealt with, not really understood. And, if he caused my sadness, he had to prove that he was right and I was wrong. He never validated my sadness nor reasoned with me. He never said, “I can understand why you’re upset about this, anybody in your place would be, but this is why we have to do x, y, and z.” It was assumed I just understood the “Whys”, like I was some type of omniscient adult.
My mother would recognize my sadness when I approach her, but, rather than resolve it, or be a mirror to my sadness, she would use the situation to deal with her own emotions, how she felt about something. She was more tender than my dad, more physically affectionate, more prone to hugs, so that part was nice and comforting. But, she taught me that negative emotions are too much of a burden for any of us to handle. Instead of helping me deal with my sadness, she would wallow in her own. She would rage at the targets of my sadness, but we never really sorted out the sadness itself. She would validate her own emotions, but in the process, invalidate mine. If my emotions were ever in conflict with hers, she would double-down on her own emotions, and usually scream at me until she cried. She was like a nuclear reactor, and I never knew when she’d meltdown, nor over what. It was completely unpredictable, and just easier not to communicate emotions with her.
Shame
Both of my parents taught me that the negative emotions weren’t okay. I felt shame when I was depressed and it created this spiral: I’m depressed, I’m ashamed I’m depressed, I’m depressed that I’m ashamed that I’m depressed, etc. It was unrelenting. And I, personally, got to the point where I just didn’t want to ever be in a position to feel complex emotions. I shut off my emotions. I couldn’t just eliminate negative emotions, I had to eliminate positive ones too. I lived in purgatory. I drank a lot. I smoked a lot of weed. I even treated other people’s emotions in the exact same way, which makes me feel utter regret.
Help
Eventually I went into therapy. I described specific events that made me sad, depressed, and angry, and explained how my parents would communicate with me as I journeyed through these events. For example, like how my dad would say “lighten up” if I ever communicated that I was sad, because apparently emotions can be flicked on and off light a light switch. Or, how my mom would respond to my emotions like they were personal attacks against her, how she’d yell at me even when I was communicating to her that I needed more of her affection.
Validation
No authority figure in my life ever validated my emotions. When I experienced something powerful and complex, I was taught to be ashamed of my emotional reactions. My therapist had me write a validation journal. Every day, 3–5 times a day, I write about the emotions I am feeling at that specific moment, good or bad. I write about how my relation to the emotion may’ve been influenced by family dynamics and communication from the past. I tell myself any normal human would feel like I feel. I validate my emotions. In fact, this article is me validating me emotions right now. And frankly, I feel great. I feel no shame in having complex and negative emotions about something now. I feel like I can communicate with people at a new level. Importantly, I feel like I’m finally communicating with myself in a way that I had been thirsting for, forever. I hope these feelings last forever.
Thoughts and Ideas is now on Substack! thoughtsandideas.substack.com
