Nine Steps To Happiness

Step 3: The ‘How’ of Being Yourself

Of course being yourself is a great thing. Reams and reams of self help literature have heaped praise on this virtue. The tricky part, however, is ‘how’. How to do it? How can we be ourselves? More importantly, what is it that makes being ourselves so difficult?

Frankly, there is a reason why this question remains largely unanswered — there is no right answer to this question. The trouble is that the whole idea of spirituality and good life is based on an unflinching allegiance towards individuality. They thrive on the idea that each individual has his or her own life trajectory and experiential spectrum which define who we are. And since no two lives are the same, it is impossible to device a universal guidebook or technique(s)[1]that caters to all.[2] There is no one spiritual shoe that can fit all. And hence, while the idea of being ourselves is a foundation cornerstone, there is no way to chart a definitive ‘how to’ map for it that will work for everybody.

That being said, there are always basics that are crucial, if not an outright necessity that can get us started on this path. The most important one is the need to identify what makes ‘being ourselves’ so difficult.

When you look at yourself in the mirror, do you like what you see?

The answer for an overwhelming majority of us is ‘no’.

We are too dark, too fair, the nose is too long, the ears are crooked, eyes too small, hair too curly.

We are extremely unforgiving when it comes to flaws — more so, when the flaws are our own. The majority of us don’t like ourselves that way we are. The external manifestations are visible in the popular culture with an entire industry of beauty products hinging on the idea of making you more beautiful, desirable or simply hiding your perceived flaws. The moral and intellectual validity of these concepts is a debate for some other time. But, what this manifests is a representation of our psyche in general. We don’t like ourselves. Period. And that is the reason why ‘being ourselves’ is such a difficult proposition.

The solution is as simple as the issue appears in a sentence.

Start liking yourself.

Deceptively simple. In theory. Application, however, is a different story all together.

Despite the humankind’s fabled association with the great Narcissus, we continue to be surprisingly underestimating when it comes to our own worth. And this is just not about the looks. All of us want to be a better version of ourselves in every aspect — better riches, better looks, better relationships, better career, better life. The order of priority varies but the desire to have better, be better is consistent.

Per se, there is nothing wrong with this. The desire to improve and secure the best in every field is the core of every ambition — the positive force that drives us to our very best. A positive desire to do better in various domains (which as we had discussed before is also our motivation behind donning various masks) is an extremely desirable trait. The trouble begins when this desire morphs into a torturous, painful and pointless exercise in self deprecation which eventually triggers reactions that range from an all consuming, destructive ambition to debilitating low self esteem issues.[3]

There is a thin line between improvement and personal annihilation. Unfortunately, we cross this line more often than we care to admit. While flipping masks is an inevitable requirement of our existence and a desire of betterment an evolutionary necessity[4], both these have to co-exist with our individuality. When either or both of them start eating into our individuality, it is the spiritual and emotional equivalent of trying to embed a mask or masks into your very skin.[5] In other words, it becomes a chronic ailment that needs immediate redressal.

Our distinctions exist for a reason. We, by design, are not meant to be prototypes of each other. Our individuality is a gift that needs to be celebrated. And since it includes our imperfections, there is no way to have a perfect celebration. A desire of improvement is natural but an obsession to annihilate yourself to fit into your perspective of how you should be rather than who you are, is without exaggeration, fatal.

The bottomline is fairly direct — you are who you are and there is very little you can do about it (not permanently at least). When the lights go out and the masks are off, it is you who stares at you from the mirror. You better start liking it. Because if you don’t, your own reflection will haunt you for the rest of your life. If that kind of horror flick is your idea of a good life, be my guest. But if not, you will have to identify, accept and most importantly like what you see in that mirror.

Trust me, you will be making your life a lot more easy….and happy!

[1] Meditation, for instance, is great. But if there is something else like dance, music, reading, writing, talking, travelling, bungee jumping, rock climbing, dirt biking (?) that works for you, go for it. There is absolutely no harm in choosing them over a meditative technique that doesn’t convince you or that you don’t enjoy.

[2] Trouble with a lot of technique based self help schools of thoughts. Don’t get me wrong. Each of them is great and works for a lot of people. The trouble begins when we start believing that only one particular school of thought or technique can actually work and everything else is absolute bullshit. The fact remains that each school is as effective as its participants and ultimately, it is only and only the participant who can determine what does or does not work for her. This freedom of choice is extremely crucial for an inspired spiritual growth and lasting happiness because it is voluntary in spirit — not based on fear, pressure or compulsion of any other sort.

[3] Think Joker from the Batman comics. A classic case of self esteem issues (both extremes) gone horribly wrong. That of course was fiction but is representative of damage that such tendencies can inflict on our lives (and others).

[4]Did I say evolution? Of course. If our Stone Age ancestors did not have the desire to improve, we would be still roaming around naked and eating raw meat.

[5] Equivalent effect in terms of pain, torture and mutilation at a silent, subliminal level.

Stay tuned for Step 3. Meanwhile, catch up on Step 1 and Step 2. If this resonates with you, please help spread the happiness around by clicking the ❤ icon below. Also, don’t forget to share your thoughts and opinions in the comment box. Lets have the conversation going!