No, Failure does not make you a strong person.
How many times have you heard the mantra “failure makes a person stronger” or something along the lines of “failure is just a step towards becoming a strong and successful person.” Well, I’m here to tell you how this concept is entirely wrong.
Our society is fond of success, success is cherished in our society, almost a defining aspect of a person in our contemporary culture. Its antithetical is failure. Failure can be defined as not meeting a set of standards you held for yourself or even as little as not completing a simple task, obviously its definition differs from person to person but this definition is commonly held. Failure is demoralizing and heart-breaking experience. It does not always make you a strong person. This notion actually hurts people more than it benefits them. Many capable people who have the capabilities to become successful don’t become successful because they don’t realise that they might have been traumatised by failure, stopping them from achieving what they want to achieve.
Failure that happens after a significant emotional investment is very traumatic and isn’t something you can just shrug off. It must be processed and dealt with otherwise it would come back and affect your later life.
Here are a few ways how failure would or might be affecting you:
- You might get a distorted belief about your abilities. It’s one of the common effects of trauma due to failure. You will probably asses your skills very incorrectly and see them as significantly weaker than they actually are.
2. Low self-esteem and confidence. Failure makes you feel like you’re unworthy and negatively impacts your confidence. It makes you feel like you’re helpless. You might even become more reserved and isolate yourself due to shame.
3. Failure makes the same goal seem less attainable.
In one study, people kicked an American football over a goalpost in an unmarked field and then estimated how far and high the goalpost was. People who failed estimated the goalpost as being further away and higher than those who had succeeded. In other words, failure automatically distorts your perceptions of your goals and makes them seem unattainable. Note the word distort — your goals are just as attainable as they were before you failed; it is only your perceptions that change.
4. Procrastination. Yes, you might procrastinate more to make excuses for yourself to not attain your goal because you probably believe that those goals are unattainable.
How to recover from the trauma caused by failure
There are definitely dozens of ways we can heal from trauma, however some are specific to failure trauma. Here are few strategies that we can employ:
1. Recognize your feelings. Do not avoid them. Confront them. Embrace your emotions whether it is shame, embarrassment, or anger. Process your emotions carefully.
2. Be mindful of your inner critic and reaffirm yourself. Word affirmations may also work well. Fight your distortions, and don’t buy into ‘you are incapable’.
3. Don’t make it personal, separate the failure from your identity. Just because you haven’t found a successful way of doing something (yet) doesn’t mean you are a failure and reframe the failure as a single incident.
4. Regulate your nervous system.
- Sleeping. Yes shocking right? Getting enough sleep helps regulate the nervous system, however, excessive sleep does not. A healthy amount is 8 hours.
- Drinking water, like sleeping, helps regulate the nervous system.
- Mindful breathing. Practicing mindful breathing is a quick way to calm yourself. Simply take 60 breaths, focusing your attention on each ‘out’ breath.
4. Don’t isolate yourself. Following after the failure, you might want to isolate yourself due to shame, however, isolation only makes it worse. Sure take your time and give yourself private space to process the feelings but don’t completely isolate yourself.
- Participate in social activities. Meet people and do things with people that have nothing to do with the trauma.
- Ask for support. Don’t let shame or embarrassment repress your feelings. Talk with other people about for feelings and ask for emotional support.
- Volunteer. It can be great way to challenge the helplessness you might be feeling. Reclaim your sense of power by helping others.
5. Re-engage in your creativity. Doing something you love or something that you’ve honed your craft into amounts to a healthy release of dopamine, making you feel motivated again.
6. Exercise. Exercise may help restore your nervous system by burning off adrenaline and releasing endorphins.
6. Reading stories of the failures of successful people may also help. After reading failure stories of successful people, you might feel relieved that one failure isn’t “makes it or breaks it”.
All in all, depending if the trauma is severe, I would recommend therapy, especially CBT to recover from the trauma. A professional psychotherapist can better assess your own personal circumstances and treat you according to your own needs and wants.
