Parables of Maggie: Maggie gets Rescued
Maggie’s Story
You might remember that I got dumped by my former owner and was on my own as a very little pup. Now I’m a happy girl, but my life started out pretty rough. This is the story of how I got to be with my Mom and Daddy. So there I was living on my own in an abandoned building, living off of scraps from some guys that were working next door. (Believe me, a pizza crust may not be a big deal to you, but compared to bugs and mice, pizza crust tastes REALLY good.) I was kind of settled in I guess, but I wasn’t having any fun. Then everything changed, again.
I’m in my house, just laying around when I hear somebody coming. It wasn’t the pizza crust guys. This person smelled different. Then I saw her. She was coming towards me. I retreated into my corner and started barking, really barking, but she kept coming. She had a pole with a loop at the end. The pole scared me. Even though I was barking my little head off, she and that pole kept coming. I tried to run, but she had me cornered (which is the downside of having a defensive corner I suppose). So, I’m barking and barking and barking.
Me: Leave me alone!! (bark bark)
Her: Don’t worry baby, I won’t hurt you.
Me: Then what’s that pole for? (bark bark)
Her: It’s OK, I won’t hurt you.
Me: Then just leave me some food and go. Leave me alone! (bark bark)
Then, even though I’m a very fast dog, she got the loop around my neck and I was TRAPPED. Nooooo!
Me: Nooooo! Lemme go! LET ME GO!
Her: It’s OK little baby. I’m taking you to a new home.
Me: No! Let me go! I’m fine here. I like it here. (Not exactly true, but I was scared.)
Her: Come on baby, let’s go to your new home.
Me: No!! (Then I started crying. I’m not proud of it, but I was pretty scared and sad.)
She got me into her car (great, another car ride). We drove for I don’t know how long, then we stopped and got out of the car. She put me on a leash and took me into a house. There were other dogs and a cat or two in the house. The dogs sniffed me, but I just sat there. They were pretty nice to me. Nobody tried to beat me up or anything. Later I found out this was my foster home. The lady that grabbed me ended up being very nice to me, even though we started out on a bad note. I got fed twice a day and the house was nice and warm and dry, so things were OK. I had to admit that this was a big step up from the abandoned house.
I stayed at this house for a few days, then the lady hooked me up to a leash and took me out to the car. (It was kind of funny. They tried putting me on a leash one other time, but I slipped out of the collar. I’m a tricky pup. They put a different collar on me this time, and I couldn’t figure out how to get out of this one.) So we go in the car … again. I’m thinking, oh great, I’m gonna get dumped again. But I was wrong. We stopped in a big parking lot, got out of the car and went into a big building. This was a VERY interesting building. More smells than you can imagine. Dogs, cats, birds and FOOD, lots and lots of food smells. To tell the truth, I kind of went into smell overload, which is saying a lot.
Anyway, we walked around the building while I sniffed and sniffed. Then they put me in a crate. There were some other dogs in crates. I had no idea what was happening. A few times they let me out of the crate so I could walk around, but I just sat there. After a while, the lady starting talking to another lady and a man. The other lady and the man looked at me in the crate and even talked to me. They said I was cute (true) and the man said he always wanted a border collie (I guess that meant me). They took me out of the crate and handed me to the second lady. She smelled really nice. I don’t mean dog nice, which really isn’t a complement to a human, I mean she smelled like a really nice person. We dogs have a sense for these kinds of things. I figured, what the heck, and put a paw on each of the lady’s shoulders and stuck my snoot in the crook of her neck. This is a pretty big deal for me. I’m not the cuddly type. I could see the man and he smiled and said, “We are so done. This pup’s coming home with us.” The lady and man petted me for a while. I was thinking this was OK with me. Then they put me down and back into the crate. You’ll never guess what happened then. THEY LEFT!!!
Me: Wait! I thought you were taking me home!
Them: We’ll be back Maggie.
Me: No you won’t. Nobody loves me.
Them: We just need to talk. We’ll be back. Bye Maggie
Me: Sigh …
I gotta tell you, I was sadder than ever. I thought they liked me, but I guess not. I thought nobody would ever love me. Sad little pup indeed.
But then guess what happened. Go ahead guess. I’ll bet you’ll get it right. That’s right. THEY CAME BACK!!! They came back and they took me home. They told me “Maggie, we’re going home, to your forever home. You’re part of our family now.” I have to admit, this sounded pretty good, even though I was still pretty scared.
So, we got into their car, which I have to admit made me even more scared than ever. We drove for a while, then they stopped in front of a house, we got out, then went into the house. My new Mom had to carry me, I really didn’t feel like walking. Guess what was in the house. Dog AND cat smells. And then I saw a big white dog wagging her tail and trying to sniff me. She seemed friendly, but I wasn’t convinced. Mom put me down, and the big dog came over to sniff me. I was really scared so I just kind of curled up and let her sniff away. Sadie and I had a little canine conversation.
Sadie: Sniff, sniff, sniff. Who are you?
Me: Maggie
Sadie: Are you just visiting or are you gonna live here?
Me: Live here I think (I hope!)
Sadie: OK. Just remember, I’m the alpha dog here.
Me: No problem. You’re a lot bigger than me anyway.
Sadie: That’s right, you are kind of scrawny. You look like you haven’t been getting much to eat.
Me: You’re right. I was all alone and food was pretty hard to find.
Sadie: Wow, that doesn’t sound like fun. You’ll like here. They feed us twice a day, which is pretty sweet, but it gets even better. Daddy’s a sucker for dogs, so just do something really cute and he’ll probably give you a treat!
Me: That sounds pretty good.
Sadie: Yeah, it’s a great setup. You’ll like it here.
Me: I hope so, I really hope so. It’s gotta get better sometime.
Sadie: It has, Maggie, it has.
Sadie was right. Life really just gotten a whole lot better.
The Lesson: Change is hard
People, in general, really don’t like change, especially big changes. If you look at a list of things that cause the most stress in our lives, change is the common thread that runs through virtually all of them. Maggie experienced several stressful events in her story. She had a change in living circumstances (several in fact), she moved, she lost a family (twice) and gained new family members.
There’s a bit of a yin/yang thing going on with change. Change is a certainty of life, but change brings on uncertainty. This uncertainty is one of three major reasons change can be so stressful. The other two are that change is often a result of loss, and change sometimes signals a loss of control. We’ll deal with each of these, but first, let’s look at three different sources of change; change you sought, change brought on by loss, and change that is forced on you. Understanding these will help you understand how to deal with change.
Although we generally do not like change, throughout our lives we experience change that we initiated. Moving to a better house, taking a better job, dumping your boyfriend are all examples of self-initiated change. Here’s a key point to remember. Even if you initiated the change, even if you’re sure that life will be better because of the change, even if you relish the change, change is STILL stressful. In my professional life, I’ve frequently sought positive change in circumstances. I’ve worked at four different universities, and have even changed positions within a university. In all cases, I initiated the change (translated — I wasn’t fired). In all cases, I looked forward to the change (even though I can say I genuinely enjoyed all of my universities). In all cases, the change was well thought out. And in all cases the change was stressful (very stressful in fact). A fact of life for university faculty is that changing jobs generally means moving, which just adds to the stress.
Changes brought on by loss are especially stressful. You have all the stress that goes along with loss, add to it general change-related stress and you end up with a significant stress. Keep in mind that in some cases, the loss brings about a chain reaction of changes. My wife’s experience is an example. Tracy and her husband (Kevin) had recently moved to Arkansas so that Kevin could take a new job. After living in Arkansas for a short time, Kevin suddenly got very ill and passed away from pneumonia. Obviously, this change, this loss caused Tracy a tremendous level of stress. (OK, time out for a second. As I was writing this, the song “I’ll Fly Away” started playing on my computer. We played “I’ll Fly Away” at my first wife’s memorial service. Talk about odd coincidences. Sorry, I digress.) Since Tracy’s family and support structure were primarily in St. Louis, Kevin’s death meant moving, and moving meant changing jobs, selling the house and finding a new home. Each one of these, by itself, brings on significant stress. Put them all together and you have a great big ol’ mess o’ stress.
The third type of change is change that is forced on you. Changes at work are an example, as are getting dumped by your significant other and a mortgage foreclosure. One reason forced change is stressful is that it is often accompanied by a feeling of loss of control. (The word “forced” implies a lack of control.) To make matters worse, feelings of loss of control often trigger lowered self-confidence and self-esteem.
The three types of change help us understand the sources of change-related stress. Understanding these sources are the key to dealing with change. Let’s go over them. Uncertainty is one source of change-related stress. Change brings about uncertainty. Uncertainty brings about worry. Worry brings about stress. Uncertainty is an element of any change, regardless of what caused the stress.
Another source of change-related stress is the feeling of loss that accompanies change. Again, this is true of almost any change. Change implies loss of the old, regardless of what the old may be. For example, when I moved from Ohio University to the University of Central Florida, there was a feeling of loss, even though I initiated the change. Even though the change was positive overall, I felt sadness over the loss of my OU friends and students. (The same thing happened every time I’ve moved.)
Loss of control is the final change-related source of change we’ll discuss. There are two aspects to this, one of which is related to uncertainty. As we discussed earlier, lack of control is the root of forced change. However, in addition to this, uncertainty also brings about feelings of being less in control than before the change. Recall that uncertainty is a consequence of any change. This uncertainty means that you are less able to predict what might happen in reaction to your actions. In other words, you are likely less confident in your control abilities in your new situation.
Now that we understand a bit more about change and how it brings on stress, let’s look at some ways to deal with change.
Anticipate and recognize that change will bring about stress. It’s going to happen. Change brings on stress. There’s really not any way around it for most of us. But, the simple fact of anticipating and recognizing this can keep the stress in check.
Reduce the uncertainty: make a plan. As I’ve said several times, the uncertainty that accompanies change is a major source of stress. A plan helps in two ways. First, having a plan will reduce some of the uncertainty. The act of developing the plan often gives you a better idea of what might happen, which reduces uncertainty. Second, the plan gives increases your confidence in being able to deal with unexpected consequences of the change. Just as an aside, I’m a big believer in having a backup plan. (In fact, Tracy often accuses me of having backup, backup plans. I can’t deny this.) Having a backup plan further increases your confidence in dealing with events that may arise from the
Remember the “why worry” theory. OK, to be fair, you can’t remember this theory because I haven’t mentioned it yet. Basically, the “why worry” theory says that there are two mutually exclusive situations in life, those you can control and those you cannot control. For those you can control, your energy should be directed towards controlling events, not worrying. For those situations for which you have no control, you can’t do anything about it anyway, so what’s the point of worrying. The point is that worry is pointless. (As the singer Jewell put it “Worry is wasteful and useless in times like these.”)
Take an outsider’s view. This one is hard for most of us, but is worth the try. Step back from the change and try to view it from an outsider’s perspective. If you can pull this off, you’ll often find that you can separate yourself from the stress of the change. The outsider’s view lets you remove yourself from the emotions of the situation.
Don’t judge what hasn’t happened yet. Often when we face change, we picture the potential negative outcomes that might result from the change. While it’s useful to plan for possible consequences, don’t let yourself shift into judgment. For example, let’s say that you’ve accepted a new job. It is useful to have a plan for what you’ll do if the new job doesn’t work out. It is NOT useful to build up a failure scenario in your mind, then judge yourself as being a loser because the new job isn’t going to work out.
Build your self-confidence. Throughout this series, we return to the importance of self-confidence. Do whatever you can to build your sense of self-confidence and self-esteem (they go hand-in-hand). When facing change, a strong self-confidence helps you believe that you can handle whatever might result from the change — bring it on, I can handle it.
Relish the memories of what was, while looking forward to making new memories. This was a huge help to me when I lost my first wife, Debbie. Although nobody really knew it, I was devastated by the loss. Allowing myself to think about the great memories of our life together let me focus on how much better my life was for having Debbie as part of it. The memories let me come to the conclusion that even knowing what would happen in the end, the pain of her illness and death was a small price to pay for having her in my life. Oddly, focusing on the memories also allowed me to move on to new life without feeling guilty.
Maggie went through some really big changes when she was a young pup, but I’m pretty sure that on balance, going through the changes was a very large net positive for the pup. Maggie didn’t have the benefit of strategies for dealing with the stress of change, but now you do. So, if you’re dealing with change, keep your chin up and do what you can. As the British say, “Keep calm and carry on.”
