Personal Boundaries A Day At A Time
A Thoughts And Ideas Newsletter
There’s a good chance that many of us have become rather accustomed to learning how to say no. We are used to being told things like stop being yes people, stop doing way too many favors for everyone, don’t be afraid to say no, and etc etc. We depend on the word NO, because of harder lessons learned in the past.
It’s like a self repair job that we are constantly being fed, because for many of us, we have been walked all over and taken advantage of, for far too long. What we thought would be a journey to find balance, actually unbalanced us on the opposite side of what used to be steady and even. What was once healthy boundaries, are now nowhere to be found.
When I prepared to write this piece, a lot of realizations came to birth. Looking back at years past of going in and out of life being a yes man, I noticed a major factor in all of this was the toxicity of the people that were being pleased by me.
A good manipulator can see a people pleaser a million miles away. They are the one who leave ill effects, making people never to want to say yes again. Saying yes is a gesture that everyone should do from time to time. But better to be done with deep consideration put, into who we are giving our yes answer to. It’s important to find the right places for the words yes and no.
Comparisons can come easy, when determining where people fit into our lives. One main factor is to do unto others, as they would do to you. I still kick myself in the ass to this day, when I realize how many toxic people got favors and sacrifices from me, while I could confidently say now, that they never would had done the same for me. But this isn’t about me crying foul now.
This was a crucial lesson which taught me about how I felt about myself. Low self esteem could be the fuel behind being a yes man on both levels. Not only to truly trusted family, and friends, but to fake friends who carry toxicity as well.
I think it’s important to consider our standards and goals with our own lives. Also, take a long serious look at values as well. This process of saying no, can teach a great lesson to us when it comes to those values.
When favors are asked of us, there’s a way of looking at it, that can quickly answer a lot of questions. Ask yourself, if doing that favor, and saying yes, is helping you move towards your values, or away from your values. It can be either, and sometimes hard to differentiate. Some favors we do, can guide us toward values, while some do the opposite. It’s important to get a clear vision, on which ones are which.
The act of giving, to true loved ones, and good people is the type of way we should all want to share our gift of giving to support one another. Saying yes to those toxic people can really mix up what we perceive as real values with depth. Things can sometimes be blurred, and false, artificial favors show themselves. And they’re anything but real.
Practice mindfulness when determining whether or not to say yes or no. We have to use that practice as a way to learn the personal reasons deep down that we have for becoming yes people. We have to stop giving the word yes a bad name, and pinpoint our own reasons for why we open up our vulnerability.
I recommend everyone to heed a bit of caution whenever we reach our hands out to help others. I want to be able to get some full focus on the whole picture. At first, this all may sound like I am giving advice to say no all the time. I am actually presenting a mission that goes opposite of that. I don’t want to give either word, yes or no, a bad rap. I just want to spotlight that each of those answers, has their right place in the world.
By Michael Patanella