Self-Help Myths
Q: I always hear the same ideas repeated when it comes to personal growth. I don’t think I’m alone in saying that we’re all getting a little sick of them. Could you give me your opinion on what some of the biggest self-help myths in circulation are?
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A: It feels good to be in the presence of a like-minded individual who enjoys questioning everything. Hopefully, you deal with the ensuing neuroticism a little bit better than I do.
To me, there are so many myths in the self-help realm that I wouldn’t even know how to begin an attempt to cover all of them. Certainly, some of the material is very useful (whether it be universally good insight, or just catching someone at the right time), but there are so many schemers in this industry who have gotten good at toying with people’s vulnerability, playing into what those in suffering want to hear, offering false senses of hope, etc. One really needs to be careful with the content one ingests, because even the best stuff out there can only nudge one in the right direction. Ultimately, any changes you make to your life have to be made by you. With that in mind, let me dive into what I think are some of the stupidest lies out there right now, in no particular order.
First, would be this ongoing malarky about focusing on yourself, putting your head down and doing your work, and not spending time worrying about other people. This lone ranger stuff is put out there with the intent of getting people to focus on their own goals and not get bogged down by naysayers. Yes, there’s value in this, but when it’s taken to the extremes and pushed as much as it is, what I see happening is that it’s reinforcing a detachment from community, and community is all we have and ever will have. It’s really important to remember our natural roles as contributors to others, and when people get so hyped up on only doing things that benefit them and their own needs (while at the same time having diminishing patience for those who they feel derail them from that mission), you get a lack of trust. You get more narcissism. So I suppose the antithesis would be to not necessarily abandon your own goals and desires, but to actively stay aware of how you can contribute to and collaborate with others, and the value that comes with that.
The second I’d say is the whole “remove toxic people” ideology that’s ultra-fashionable these days. So the intent is to not keep people in your life that don’t support you or make you feel bad. Fine. But again, the level it’s reaching makes the whole thing seem overly aggressive to me, and I think what’s happening is that a lot of people who buy into this too much are highly at risk of not seeking to understand these other people — thus assuming that they themselves should never have to change.
For example, a teenager who loves this “remove toxic people” philosophy will probably not be receptive to discipline issued by parents or teachers. They’ll remove anyone who disagrees with them or threatens their current state of mind because that state of mind isn’t being supported. So the teenager endlessly assumes they’re in the right, and cannot view challenging people as people that can help them, let alone people that might need help themselves. Naturally, this trend can follow us throughout our lives. Be careful about who you choose to remove from your life and put a lot of thought into the role you play or don’t play with that person first. Even the greatest people in your life are not meant to have spotless records or always make you feel comfortable. True toxicity comes from the refusal or inability to acknowledge this.
My third myth is “always project confidence”. What complete nonsense. All this does is cater to what you assume to be the wants of the people you’re projecting to, thereby completely disempowering you and your vulnerability. This is how people develop false confidence. Is it beneficial if you’re trying to get something from someone? Sure it can be. But does it only teach us to feel more and more at odds with the parts of us that we’re not confident in? Sure does, and that’s a big problem. Confidence isn’t conditional. Truly confident people are comfortable with their strengths and weaknesses, and feel free to express both without shame. Forcing ourselves to project or feel anything other than contrived confidence is only damaging. Not everyone can be confident all the time. We get there, however, by making room for our shadows and becoming friends with our shame.
The fourth, I’m a little on the fence about. And it’s a bit unlike others on this list. But because it’s just at every corner these days, something needs to be said. I’m speaking about this whole “be your own boss” trend. Of course, this is mostly applicable for people interested in the business end of self-help (which is a number of people), but it’s being forced onto everyone, and the problem is that not everyone should or can be their own boss. Being one’s own boss is great for some and terrible for others. But it seems to me that the thought right now is that it’s the only way to live your life, the only way to feel free. That’s not correct at all, but money and freedom are sensitive topics for people, so people are reactive to these airport Hilton speakers hosting “10x Your Income in 5 Minutes” seminars. Entrepreneurship has A LOT of struggle that isn’t advertised, and though it can be a wonderful thing, it’s worth your time to do A LOT of research before considering if such a path is right for you.
There are more myths, but what I want to end with instead is one of the self-help cornerstones that is not a myth (there are many of these, too).
To me, one commonly preached piece of advice that I really believe in is the regular practice of gratitude. Gratitude, whatever that looks like to you, is of huge importance. You might’ve heard me say that what you put into your mind is often what you’ll get out of it. When you actively try to be grateful for even mundane things, your brain does rewire itself to the best of its ability, to find elements of everything to be grateful for.
Over time, you start to see that the waiter is bringing you a meal that many are not fortunate enough to eat, not that he took 20 minutes to come to the table and he spilled your appletini on the way. You start to see that you have a car to drive at all, not that you’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour listening to subpar podcasts on repeat.
You can tailor yourself to better recognize how everything is working to your advantage, and that’s a recipe for huge, healthy life changes. Less entitlement, less dissatisfaction, less feeling offended, less resentment, etc. These are all great gifts of life that can be acquired by a very simple and healthy practice. Practicing gratitude does not mean you can’t see how good and bad coexist, though. You can still cut things out of your life and be practical, of course. But those decisions are going to be made with a lot more precision and less aggression.
