When Privilege Meets Social Media
The result is exhausting and disappointing.
I started crying around 9 p.m. on election night. The shock of Trump’s lead hit me like a sucker punch, right in the gut. I couldn’t breathe.
“It’s not over,” they said. “It may change,” I was told.
It didn’t. And I knew it wouldn’t.
I kept attempting to disengage from my phone in an effort to spare myself further trauma and disappointment — I failed. I kept obsessively refreshing Google, desperate for a different outcome. It was like a gory car crash that I couldn’t take my eyes away from. The map was painted red — like a bloody wound, I kept cringing at the sight of it and yet at the same time, I couldn’t stop staring.
I finally took a sleeping pill at 11 p.m. and prepared for morning: Tomorrow you will wake up. You will check your phone, and you will see a picture of him with a shit-eating grin on his face, waving and jovial. The headline will read “Trump wins Presidential Election.” Do not be shocked. It will happen.
It did. I woke up and then promptly cried some more.
I cried on my way to work, suspiciously eyeing each and every car that passed me — Paranoid and on the war path. Did they vote for him? Did he? Did she? I wanted answers. I wanted to wake up and see that it was all just a nightmare: a cruel practical joke.
I was distracted all day. I had parents of my preschool kids dropping them off, crying. I couldn’t focus. I filled 10 post-it notes throughout the day — they were covered in barely legible, hasty, angry handwriting. I had so many racing thoughts attacking my mind, I felt like I would implode if I didn’t get them out somewhere.
“I’m sad. I wanted the girl to win, but the boy did. The boy is mean.”
Yes, yes he is.
“My mom wanted the girl, but my Dad wanted the boy. When he won he said Yay!”
What did your Mom say?
“She just did this: *covers her face with her hands*”
How do you explain this to a 4-year-old?
Last week we briefly talked about the election. I said we would have a new President on November 8th during calendar time. I didn’t pay much attention to it, with the kids at least. I was still naive and hopeful at that point.
“Trump is at least better than Hillary,” one of them said.
“Donald Trump is a bad man,” another one chimed in.
All I could tell them after all was said and done was yes, he is a mean man, and it is sad that the girl didn’t win. They shouldn’t have to understand right now. As their teacher, I just tried to listen.
The child whose parents favored Trump reminded me of his victory every day this week. It wasn’t even particularly happy or boastful, he was merely looking for a reaction out of me — I live in a fairly Liberal area of town and I think he was just confused and seeking validation.
“Trump made all the states red last night.”
“Molly: Clinton lost.”
All I could do was give him dead eyes, say “Yep,” and move on. If there was validation to be given, I wasn’t going to be the one to do it. As angry as I was, especially at people like his parents, it’s not his fault. He and his friends are merely products of what has been told to them.
I loathed myself for a few days.
I vocalized my stance this election, but mostly to like-minded people. I indulged my cynicism with my Liberal friends and family and didn’t spend enough time with the people who needed to hear what I had to say the most. I made my rants private on Facebook so that my right-winged Conservative extended family wouldn’t take offense — my mom approved of this. Because to be honest, I never really thought he’d win. I thought he didn’t stand a fighting chance. I’d have to face my family after the election anyway, why stir the pot? I’m not saying I would have changed the outcome — I know I am only one small person. But perhaps if all of us stepped outside our comfort zone even a tiny bit these past few months, maybe things would be different. Maybe we wouldn’t have been so shell-shocked this week.
I feel shame. I am ashamed to live in this country, but more than that, I am ashamed to be a human being, in general. To exist. What kind of species are we? We’re given democracy and free will and free speech and this is what comes of it? I wanted to unzip my skin and be somewhere else. I felt dirty.
This week was exhausting — for more reasons than one.
I grew up in Madison, Wisconsin, and I currently live in a college town in Iowa. Both are largely Liberal cities. Within these Liberal cities, I surrounded myself with Liberal friends. Most of my friends are in the LGBTQ community. One of my closest friends is Black. Most of my women friends have been sexually assaulted or abused. These are the people I feel most drawn to — the people that I care about most in this world.
I’m not lying when I say that I had no idea this was going to happen — I think that is something that hurts the most. I felt as if there was a knife wound in my back, leaching poison into my system and affecting my entire state of being this week. Trump supporters (in my mind) came out of the woodwork, like cockroaches. Most people that I knew that supported Hillary were vocal about it. I didn’t really know or come into contact with people that openly supported Trump. After the sexual assault footage surfaced, I saw (or thought I saw, through the media), that even his most loyal followers were questioning it. We all witnessed this — many news stations were jumping on the Hillary bandwagon. Many celebrities spoke out against him. Support for vilification was gaining. Polls and surveys predicted his defeat. “It’s over,” I thought. And then seeing that map light up red on Tuesday night — it felt like the wool was pulled over all of our eyes. SURPRISE!
I woke up Tuesday morning feeling hopeful. It’s finally over.
I woke up Wednesday morning to a completely different America. Mainly because, it’s not over. It is only just beginning.
For me, it’s not even about this jackass in the White House right now. It’s about every single one of his insane, ignorant followers that have no problem with racism, misogyny, ableism, sexism, homophobia, xenophobia, the fact that 90% of the things he says are lies, and that he has the IQ of a 3rd grader. Trump supporters are just walking around in broad daylight, condoning this crap on a daily basis. And obviously a good percentage of them are keeping quiet about the fact that they support him! I’m not talking about the loudmouth folks at his rallies, I’m talking about your quiet coworker, your homely neighbor, or even your best friend. The educated, well-meaning people that didn’t openly support him (because they know it is wrong) but then went ahead and fucking voted for him anyway.
How are people supposed to feel safe? That wasn’t won by just the vote of the white man. Some minorities support his antics and some women don’t care that he’s a fucking predator. A lot more people than I was expecting, anyway. And I know she won the popular vote. I know people tried. Please don’t go over the results with me — I’m upset at the sheer amount of support he still had, even after everything that went down. I felt duped.
This is our current state of affairs in America — we would rather have a bigoted, under-qualified, pathological liar child rapist as our leader than a woman. Maybe she really is dubious and “corrupt.” I don’t believe that, but some people do. But still — seriously? How can you even compare? The gender gap has never felt wider.
This isn’t Republican vs. Democrat anymore. It never was. This is about basic human rights. This is about safety. When in the history of presidential elections have crisis hotlines been so regularly mentioned, let alone so busy they don’t know what to do with themselves? When in presidential election history has the Canadian immigration site been shut down due to the overwhelming amount of activity, from people who want to flee the country? This is real terror and hopelessness people are feeling right now.
Many of my gay friends are terrified. Gay marriage is legal in Iowa currently. What will happen to their rights? One of my coworkers is transitioning right now — his first testosterone injection is next week. He needs to be taking these well past January. Right now his insurance covers it, but what about a few months from now? My female friends feel unsafe, especially the ones who have been sexually assaulted. My Black friend barely wants to talk to me, or anyone for that matter. I don’t blame her. (I just want to say that I seriously feel uncomfortable labeling them in solely this manner, because they are so much more than that, but I’m doing it for the sake of being concise).
This isn’t people being dramatic — things have been different this week. People are becoming braver with their hate and more brazen with their prejudices. I’ve seen articles of swastikas being grafitied on walls that say “Make America White Again,” Black baby dolls hanging from homemade nooses, women being cornered by men that are yelling “Grab her pussy!” I don’t have friends affected by things like fear of deportation, but I have past students that I know are currently living that reality. And I only touched on a few of the reasons why people are scared.
What is also extremely disappointing is the response on social media and the behavior of my acquaintances and old friends. White, middle class, straight, PRIVILEGED people.
One of the best definitions I’ve seen about privilege lately is that it is being able to look at something and deem it as not problematic, solely because it is not a problem to you personally. Social media has been rampant with this type of behavior.
It needs to stop.
The other day, one of my Facebook friends wrote that everyone needs to “stop being sore losers” and that we need to just “hope it gets better.”
First of all, Clinton supporters are not being sore losers, like they lost a fucking soccer game. This isn’t about her winning versus him winning. It’s about what that loss represents. These are REAL people, terrified for their lives and the safety and well-being of their family and their future. Why do people have such a hard time seeing this? “Hoping for the best” is passive as hell, and in my opinion comes from a place of extreme privilege. Some people cannot afford to just sit back and “hope for the best.” They need to figure out how they will survive the next four years. Not caring is one thing, but basically telling everyone else to “chill out” is completely crossing the line.
She became very defensive and proceeded to explain all of the reasons why the results will affect her, too. All I could tell her was that I believe when we truly connect to how this will affect us all, rather than reacting on autopilot or mimicking what others are saying, things shift. Also, the way we choose to word things right now really does matter. (I guess it is kind of hard to be a writer and someone who cares about language so much, because I’ve been hanging on to and giving meaning to each and every word that people are expressing right now, even if they aren’t paying much attention).
Another one of my friends (who I have grown apart from this past year, for reasons unrelated to this) posted about how we need to be more tolerant of people who “believed in their vote.”
Ugh.
Yes, exactly, they believed in their vote. Do you understand what that belief represents?! To her, it’s literally just a name on a ballot. She, like many others, are so privileged that they can’t even see the bigger picture in all of this.
And it’s really fucking disappointing.
They want to paint themselves as martyrs of diplomacy and honor — they are “choosing love in all of this.” Well congrata-fucking-lations to you. You woke up on Wednesday with absolutely nothing changed in your world. You are SO brave. And how have you moved past this already? THIS HAPPENED LITERALLY 15 HOURS AGO.
I challenged this with a respectful (but assertive) comment on her page, and what did she do? She deleted it. She then texted me saying that she was “Sorry that she deleted it and didn’t mean any harm by her status.”
Except that’s the problem — none of us privileged, middle-class, straight white folk ever “mean any harm!” Because a lot of the time, we don’t think about anyone other than our goddamned selves. We aren’t used to doing it or simply haven’t had to, our entire lives. How invalidating is it to all of the marginalized people to basically send the message that their anger is out of place? That it is “harshing our mellow.” Why can’t we all just get along, guys?
Love and tolerance is EASY for the people that are affected the LEAST least by this decision.
I told her that I would have accepted her apology, but she deleted my comment! I asked her, “Was it because I disagreed with you?” She replied with, “No, not at all. I deleted a few other comments too. I just see enough of those political comments everywhere else on social media.”
What!? YOUR POST WAS ABOUT POLITICS! Oh no wait, it was a generic message about “love.” You didn’t mention the outcome of the election or party names or candidate’s names, so clearly it was not about politics—That’s right. You want to preach this message and then censor any reactions that are nothing less than positive, back-patting, and full of sunshine? You fear being challenged so bad that you just pretend I never even wrote that, with a click of a button? You get to just swoop in, not get your hands dirty at all or raise any conflict, and be the hero in all of this? And move on with your day like it’s nothing? Cool.
And that’s the problem. People don’t want to be confronted with their privilege. Now is not the time to be defensive about it. Now is the time to face it, look it in square in the eye, and name it for what it is. Otherwise we will be unable and unwilling to provide any help to the people who need it most right now.
“That’s not an apology, that’s selfish,” I told her. All she could say was, “thank you for your input” and promptly deactivated her Facebook.
Another Facebook status: Straight, white, middle-class male. He talks about how he’s Canadian, but lives in America. He bravely declares that he’s staying in America.
“How you act towards people goes on forever, don’t you see? If you feel today is a joyous day, then spread your joy and light to those who are clouded in darkness. Real change doesn’t happen in Washington. It starts from within.”
Uh, no.
The last thing I want when I’m faced with losing my rights or threatened with deportation is a hug from you, white Canadian guy. I mean I’m sorry, but how fucking clueless is this? We’re not talking about you buying my Starbucks drink in the drive-through or raking your neighbor’s lawn in your middle-class, suburban neighborhood. We’re talking about confronting deep-seated cultural and societal prejudices rooted in oppression and inequality — behaviors and schools of thought that have gone on for centuries throughout our nation’s history. To simplify “change” in this manner really pisses me off.
“So really nothing changes for this Canadian today. My plan today is the same as it was yesterday. I’m not going anywhere.”
EXACTLY! NOTHING FUCKING CHANGES FOR YOU!! Oh God and people just ate that shit up. Jumped right on that validation train and rode it all the way to Rainbowville.
Frankly, the self-congratulatory behavior of my peers is sickening.
Sunshine, peace, love, tolerance all of that is all great — I understand where people are coming from. BUT IT IS NOT TRUMP SUPPORTERS THAT DESERVE OUR LOVE AND TOLERANCE. Where have all of these people been, and why are they JUST NOW speaking up? Gay people, minorities, women, people with disabilities, they have been treated like shit for years! And now because people are fired up and sounding “hateful” to their peers for voting for this bigot, NOW people are getting offended and preaching about love and tolerance? It’s fucking bullshit. It’s self-serving and egocentric, rooted in THEIR fear and THEIR uncomfortable feelings.
And I don’t buy it for a damn second.
Acceptance and positivity are luxuries that many people do not have the capacity to feel this week. By no means am I here to speak for everyone, and I understand the power of choice. I also understand that acceptance is not synonymous with passivity for some people. But to me, that’s what most of this felt like, especially knowing these particular people. If you can’t access anger for yourself, that’s understandable. But what about everyone else? Why aren’t you angry for them? Why aren’t you angry for your marginalized friends, even a TINY bit? And if you are, why aren’t you choosing to talk about that instead? Again, my LGBTQ friends are fearful about their rights getting taken away. My minority friends are worried about outbreaks of violence. My friends that are mothers are worried about healthcare. Women are afraid of the supporters and their continued objectification of women. Families fear that they will be severed and separated. Minority children are seriously starting to believe that their peers hate them, solely based on how they look and where they come from. THIS IS NOT OKAY. Why can’t you take two seconds away from your ignorant la-la land and acknowledge that?
Last example: I manage a blog. I edit pieces, give feedback, and promote them on a website for a mental health organization. The morning after the election, I wrote a status about my disappointment in Trump supporters. One of the bloggers decides that it would be an excellent idea to screenshot my status (that everyone in the group had already seen and “liked,” by the way), proceeds to write this long, victimy post to everyone in the Facebook group about how she feels that she has been lumped into a category as a Trump supporter, and promptly quits the blog.
“So yes, I voted for Trump. Do I agree with everything he says or stands for? No! I have many friends who are a part of the LGBT community. I have a very good friend who came here from Columbia. I am a survivor of a brutal sexual assault. I am kind and I try my hardest not to judge anyone. I also believe everyone has a right to their opinion, and even if I don’t agree with that opinion, I believe I can still be friends with those who have different views than mine. In my heart, I felt that trumps view aligned with mine on more of the important issues than Hilary’s did. I do not feel it’s fair to be judged in such a negative light for this.”
So let me get this straight: Not only will you barely be affected by this election, but your candidate won. You take my generic, personal status and apply it only to yourself, paint yourself as the victim, and then publicly engage me with the hopes of having everyone turn against me because of it?
Oh right, because once again, it’s all about you, “misunderstood” Trump voter.
The most ridiculous thing about it is that she claims “I have LGBTQ friends” and “I’ve been brutally sexually assaulted” as if to qualify herself and show us that she is “one of the good ones.” One that still voted for Trump, but that we should support anyway. So you have LGBTQ friends, buuut you don’t give a shit about their rights? Tell me, how did you explain your choice to them? Trump’s view aligned with her on “more of the IMPORTANT ISSUES?!” So your LGBTQ friends are less important than his bullshit plans for the economy? Plans that he doesn’t even understand himself?!
You can’t say that your LGBTQ and Columbian friends are important to you, but that the economy or gun rights matter more, and still have my sympathy. You can’t wear it like a badge of honor and then make excuses for your decisions. You dug your grave, now lie in it.
“I also believe everyone has a right to their opinion. I believe I can still be friends with those who have different views than mine.”
First of all, who said that people will still want to be your friend after all is said and done? When the opinion at hand is that basic human rights don’t mean shit to you, there’s a possibility that friendships can, and frankly should, be broken. “I love my Black friends.” These are literally JUST WORDS! You know what speaks louder than words? ACTIONS. The fact that she used her gay friends merely as tools to qualify herself as a good person, makes her an asshole. I didn’t write about my gay friends or my Black friends or my victimized friends to condone my behavior or let myself off the hook. I wrote about them because their opinions and their lives matter to me.
You will never be able to convince me that voting for Trump was an acceptable choice. I’ve seen a lot of things on social media about how not ALL Trump supporters are racist, sexist, and homophobic, etc. I can get on board with that a little bit, I’ll be honest there. But that doesn’t change the terrifying and equally disappointing fact that although you may not be openly racist and hateful, you have your head so far up your own ass that you are physically incapable of realizing how this affects the victims of people who ARE racist, sexist, homophobic, etc. and how your vote condones or endorses that behavior.
You are the company you keep. If you don’t want to be lumped into a category of hateful and ignorant people, don’t put yourself there. And if you do, don’t act like the fucking victim here. Own your choice.
I was upset about the outcome — yes. Here’s the thing: It wasn’t because my candidate “lost,” like I was sad to lose bragging rights. It wasn’t because I feel that my life will be significantly changed because of it, to be honest. It was because I am first and foremost, a human being, and I also happen to care about other human beings. I know people don’t need me to speak for them. I know I don’t need to be a Facebook vigilante for justice, and I know that I will never truly understand what it is like for some people who are suffering immensely right now. I am a woman and a rape survivor so yes, it really hurts to see this man in the White House. I know it hurts other women in my position, too. At the same time, for me personally, I know that at the end of the day, I will be okay. I can’t with surety say that for other people, and I’m scared, for their sake.
I have no problem confronting my own privilege — I know I am blessed. I talked to my mom for a few hours on Wednesday and her approach in moving forward is different than mine. Me? I can’t NOT talk about the injustices that are happening. I can’t ignore the entitlement of my peers. I don’t care if we’ve been best friends since 2nd grade, if you choose to behave like this, I will say something. If you are behaving like this and you are unaware of it, I will say something. If you are patting yourself on the back instead of thinking about other people in all of this, I will say something. My goal is not to shame people for being privileged, although it may come off that way. Real change starts with awareness. Real change starts with being uncomfortable. Real change may indeed, start with conflict or tough conversations. There are worse things to feel and exhibit right now than anger. And please don’t confuse anger or even rage with hate, either. Don’t let your instinctual need to avoid conflict shield you from being able to speak the truth — You aren’t doing anyone any favors.
That’s really the best I can do at the moment.
To everyone feeling hurt and scared this week, I stand by you. I love you. I am here to talk if you need to. I want to know how else I can help — if you have more suggestions, I am open to hearing them.
Thank you for reading. ❤
