The Fear of Falling and the Sound of Music
I started out climbing by bouldering outdoors. A bunch of us were the first generation of climbers in our city and when we started out, 2 years ago, there weren’t any climbing gyms in Chennai. My first lead experience was a year ago. I was invited by a friend on this trip to badami and happened to meet this badass guy, Prani, who bolted a bunch of classic routes there. I just spent four days there and started leading the last 2 days and I was stoked. The last day I wanted to lead as many routes as possible and got on all the routes on which the draws were put up and offered to clean up. By evening, I had led a good number of 5bs and 5cs, all below my comfort zone and I was exhausted. There was one more 5c on which the draws were up and I wanted to finish that too. The route was ultra pumpy and the last bolt to the anchor was slightly run-out. By the time I reached the anchor, my forearms were filled with lactic acid, ready to explode any second. The anchor carabiner was locked and I actually saw my fingers open up slowly and let go because of the pump, while I was unscrewing the biner. Immediately switched hands and opened the screw-gate. Then I tried a bunch of times to clip in the rope and failed miserably as I was panicking. Prani kept shouting, ‘the fall’s going to be big but it’s completely safe, you can let go if you want to.’ I started freaking out and traversed for no reason. My friends shouted that I was making things worse and the traverse is making the fall bigger and that I should just let go. Finally I managed to find a double knee bar and got a hands free rest and clipped the anchor. When I came down, I wasn’t happy. I was afraid when there was no actual risk. The fall was super safe but I made it dangerous by traversing because I panicked. I was super keen on getting comfortable on lead but I didn’t have any gear or knowledge, so it was kind of hard to find partners who’d let me lead on their gear.
Three months later, I saw a guy called TT, looking for partners in the Bangalore climbing group. I had no gear except my harness and a belay set but he was super generous to let me lead on his gear and teach me the basics. We had ambitious plans and by the end of every climbing trip, we were already planning the next one. We were super stoked and loved that feeling of complete exhaustion at the end of a hard climbing day. Most of the routes we led in Bangalore were slab climbs and we tried our best not to take any falls. If the moves seemed hard, I either top roped to dial in the moves before leading it or hang dogged the route bolt by bolt, making sure I didn’t have to take a fall. We always planned to do volume over projecting. Both of us were working then and we wanted to climb as much as possible in the 4–5 day window that we get.
Few months later, I got a rope and made a quick trip to badami. I wanted to project something hard on that trip and redpoint it. I was able to top rope a 7b+ with a couple of rests but wasnt able to lead a 6c clean because one clipping position seemed hard and I was scared of falling. I wanted to dial in the moves 2–3 times on top rope before leading any route and I realised I wasn’t enjoying climbing when I was forcing myself to lead.
Two months later, I went to the Green Climbers Home in Laos. Had a bunch of amazing climbing partners on the trip. Whenever I was in a dilemma whether to lead or top rope a route, the morons (who I love) would just pull the rope down and I had to lead to get the draws back. Hated it the first few days but once I started taking a bunch of falls, I realised it wasn’t too bad and it was super safe. Whenever I was beating myself up over a lead, my partner comes up to me and says, 'Aravind, it’s time to save the fucking day. Just go!’. Even after quoting Nicholas cage and going bezerk on a bunch of leads, taking falls, I realised I still wasn’t enjoying getting on hard stuff where I knew I would take a fall.
And then during the last half of the trip, I found this route called ‘The Sound of Music’, 7a. The first time I got on it, I managed to go bolt by bolt and link all the moves. I was super psyched. I loved the route and I really wanted to send it clean.
The first section was mostly easy with 2–3 hard moves. The next section was super pumpy with long moves on really good holds on a super overhanging wall. At the end of this section was a small hole where you can shove your right leg in, jam it, hang upside down and rest your arms. The third section, right after the rest was the crux, which is a super delicate, balance-y move. You have to switch from the overhanging wall on to a slab using really bad crimps.
The second session, I managed to go till the rest without falling off, and fell off at the crux just before the anchor. I thought it was good progress. But after a week of projecting, I was falling at the same move over and over again. I’d fall at the crux, climb on the rope and cruise through the crux move and clip the chains. But on a send attempt, I’d always fall right at the top after the rest. By that time, I already did the route 15-20 times, with one fall. The hanging rest position was crucial after the overhanging pumpy part but I was getting mentally worked up thinking to myself, if that current attempt would be the one. And since the crux move is at the top and is super delicate, I asked my belayer to give me loads of slack, so that there isn’t any rope drag and I took some huge falls, all clean air-falls, thanks to the overhang. Weirdly, on this route I never thought about the falls while doing the move or before the next attempt. I was either just focused on the move or was frustrated falling at the top again.
On the route, I almost decked having missed the second bolt, because I went off route and a hold crumbled in my hand. Thankfully when I was about to fall, I got a fist jam with the crumbled hold still in my fist!
The next day, my shoes heel got stuck in a heel hook and came off midway up the lead, when I was trying to Z-clip. My belayer was super attentive, and noticed this immediately but she didn’t know the term Z-clipping. I was battling the pump with a heel hook where the shoes heel completely came off, while my friends were trying to explain that I was Z-clipping.
On another attempt, when I felt super solid till the rest point, my harness’s leg loop got clipped into a quickdraw when I came out of the hanging rest position and I had to hang upside down for 15 minutes, doing sit-ups, trying to unload my leg loop. Freaked my poor belayer out.
All that shit, in one week, on one route! But surprisingly none of that spooked me out about leading. I was rational and made sure none of that happened again because I really loved the line and was obsessed. A couple of rest days after the leg loop incident, I thought I’ll go up the route bolt by bolt, put up the draws and warm up but ended up sending the route. It felt easy and it was super rewarding!
The next month, I was enjoying climbing 7as and 7bs in Tonsai, skipping bolts if I felt the fall was safe. All thanks to The Sound of Music!
