The Only Job I Really Loved

When you’re an artist, unless you’re wildly successful, you need jobs on the side. I’ve done them all, bartender (fired for hitting the panic button under the bar when a customer brandished a knife in my face) (silly me), waitress, (fired for giving away a plate of French fries that the cook asked me to give away to whomever I wanted), assistant buyer (I told them I couldn’t stay on because I was going to star on Broadway and then had a heart attack when they all showed up in a restaurant I worked at and were seated in my station where I was serving burgers). Dog sitter, house sitter, salesgirl, secretary, the list is endless. I was, for a brief four hours, a receptionist at Showtime (a big wig I knew personally walked in and I called my temp agency from under my desk and told them to replace me because I’d led the big wig to believe I worked all the time)(which was true, just not as a comedian).

But the one, the best one, was when I worked as an impostor. Comedians do this a lot. Pretend to be someone else and then are sent in to disrupt the flow of some unsuspecting business associates. The people who hire give you a rundown of the staff, mainly who is the biggest asshole, and they don’t care how you take these people down, just take them down.

Once I was sent to a meeting of people in charge of writing psychology discourse for publication. A topic I knew nothing about. (unless you count my time with various shrinks)I immediately spotted the asshole because the first words out of his mouth were, “You’re wrong” not, “Excuse me but I think you’re wrong” or, “In my opinion, you’re wrong” just, “You’re wrong.” It was as if I was a horse at the Kentucky Derby and the starting gun went off. I took him down so low the linoleum lay on top of him.

At the time it was just another gig. Another $300 dollars for a half an hour of making things up as I went along. (never been fired for that) It wasn’t until the days of mansplaining that I realized some men truly think they know everything. Are the arbiters of life. Should be believed no matter what evidence to the contrary, even my false ones. Other men in that meeting were respectful, asked me to prove my case, which of course I couldn’t do but they were open to the possibility.

When it was all over, I told them I was really a comedian who knew nothing about their field. I got a raucous round of applause and laughter while the asshole stormed out.

Please, someone, hire me to work this gig at the Trump White House. I’ll pay YOU.