The promise

Simon is a good man. I believe that with all of my heart. It is hard to watch the conflict raging inside of him. But I don’t know what to do to help him. Simon, my husband, is in love with another woman. Technically, he is cheating on me. I know this brings him pain every day and I never wanted that. I made him promise me that he wouldn’t be sad. That he would live life. That he would be open to new people and new experiences. That he wouldn’t sit around and grieve after I was gone. Only one problem, I’m not gone.

No one knows why. Doctors call me a miracle. But no one came to pray over me, unless some Jehovah’s Witness did it in secret while passing by my room. I was sick. It came out of nowhere. One day I was fine, the next I was in the hospital getting tests upon tests. Simon was positive, but he was so scared. He kept his game face on for me, but I know he cried when he went home. I could tell when his eyes were puffy the next day. I never asked and he never told. He just remained my champion. Upbeat and supportive through it all. When it got really bad, that is when I leveled with him. I loved him too much to think about him being sad. Even for one day.

I had a nurse. Her name was Jessica. I mean, it still is, I just don’t see her anymore. She told me that she had been transferred to other patients. But I know the truth. I was really bad for awhile. Jessica was in frequently to check on me, but I was out of it most of the time. Simon kept vigil next to me as much as he could. I know that is when it happened. They didn’t mean for it to happen while I was still alive. It was an impossible situation. I was dying, quickly. Simon was trying his best to be there for me. Jessica ended up being there for Simon.

I don’t blame her. He is quite handsome. If I was in her shoes, I would have done the same thing. And it isn’t just that. She could see how completely he cared for me. Who wouldn’t want someone like that? No, Jessica, I don’t blame you. You fell in love with a wonderful man. You just didn’t wait until he was single. And now, what a mess!

I’m home now, but still very weak. Simon has to run all of my errands for me. I’m sure that this is when he finds the time to meet up with her. It’s hard for me to know that he is going to see her. It’s hard to know that he did what I asked. That in a way, I caused this to happen. It was supposed to be a good thing for him. Now it is just a sad thing for me.

He won’t ever leave me, this I know. Simon isn’t that type of guy. It will have to be me. I will have to leave my husband, so that he can run to the woman that he loves. I try not to think about how unfair this all is. Like someone was watching when I made Simon promise and decided to play a very cruel joke on me.

Some days I get very angry. I curse at the universe and tell it that I’m keeping my husband, because he was mine first. He still belongs to me. But I know that’s wrong. I can’t keep him just because I have the rights to him. What kind of a life will that be for him? or for me? I would die inside having to watch him be somewhere that he doesn’t want to be.

He’s back. He just walked in the door. He must have been running errands for Jessica too, because he managed to come back with the wrong box of tampons. Must have given her mine. Like I said, Simon is a good man. Only a good man would be out buying tampons for two different women. I cut him off as he tried to come up with a plausible lie. “It’s ok, honey. I’ve actually been wanting to try this brand. How did you know?”

So I’ll enjoy my time with Simon until I’m strong enough to be on my own. Then I’ll have to follow my own damn advice. I’ll have to live life. Be open to new people and new experiences. I’m not quite sure why I had to be a miracle. I didn’t ask to be. But I don’t plan to sit around and grieve for my old life. It died and I can’t get it back. The only place to go is forward. I’ll have to keep the promise.