The real N word: why you’ve got narcissists dead wrong

Think you know a narcissist when you see one?

Red-faced tyrants like Trump are the poster boys for narcissism. They point, they blame, they attack, they victimize themselves, and at the end of it all, we call them a narcissist.

We LOVE to hate narcissists. To society, they are a common enemy, as gloriously evil as poachers pillaging a national reserve for rhino horn.

Think of narcissists like Darth Vader; a totally misunderstood creature with a villain’s exterior.

What was going on under that creepy-looking helmet? Old Darth had his own motives and background for doing what he did.

It didn’t make what he was doing any less evil, but it made you understand him, made you empathize with him. That’s the fundamental difference between you and a narcissist.

What makes a someone a narcissist?

The one defining feature of narcissists? Their almost complete inability to empathize with others.

When you have a disagreement with someone, you have an initial tide of emotion- you feel angry, hurt, disappointed, betrayed, etc. After that, a second voice pipes up; the introspective, self-conscious little guy that whispers in your ear “What is the other person feeling? How could my actions have caused them to behave this way?”

For narcissists, this second voice never cuts through the noise. And if it does, it is quickly repressed by emotion and/or ego. Imagine sitting by a bonfire on a pitch-black night; all eyes are on the fire, and you sure as hell can’t see into the darkness beyond the blaze.

So when Trump blasts the Mayor of Puerto Rico for being lazy while she’s footed with a hurricane clean-up, his ego is holding back the second step. He never asks himself, “How is she feeling about all of this? Why?” He is absorbed by his bohemoth ego, incapable of moving to that second step.

This usually comes across as total self-righteousness, flaring away like Darth’s wicked red lightsaber.

While this is the characteristic trait of narcissists, there is another, less obvious type of narcissist that we do not include in our definition of the word.

The Two Types: Egotistical narcissists vs. Emotional narcissists

For egotistical narcissists, ego rules all. These guys have egos the size of the continents they inhabit, and they deal with threats with the diplomacy of a Pit Bull on crack.

Wherever it may come from, any real or perceived criticism is met with raw, beast-like retaliation. As Steven Aitchison explains, they “will take any form of criticism as an act of aggression and will try to belittle you at every opportunity.” You guessed it, Trump is the PERFECT example of an egotistical narcissist.

You wouldn’t give candy to a kid then call them fat, would you? Yet that’s exactly how society deals with egotistical narcissists.

The thing is, they often achieve truly exceptional things. As sad as it is, believing you’re better than everyone else will get you pretty far in this world. Take a look at Trump, Kanye, Elvis Presley, the list goes on…

The way we perceive this type of narcissist usually depends on the timing of their contribution to society. But sooner or later, they will most likely reveal their true nature (think Kanye vs. Taylor Swift), for all hell to break loose and a witch-hunt to follow.

Emotional narcissists, on the other hand, are incredibly misunderstood beings that are rarely called by their true name. While the limitation of grandiose narcissists is ego, for emotional narcissists it is their emotions that inhibit their ability to empathize with others.

Whether simply born like this, or suffering from childhood trauma, their emotional sensitivity massively limits their ability to empathize with others.

Emotional narcissists are incredibly sensitive creatures, about as resilient as a glass baseball bat.

ANYTHING you say to them is a potential attack; an incoming blow for them to dive, duck and dodge like Mayweather Jr. against the ropes. But unlike egotistical narcissists, they are DEEPLY afraid of confrontation, and usually only unleash on those closest to them, their weapon of choice being emotional manipulation.

Although much more emotionally complex than egotistical narcissists, they share the same fundamental inability to empathize. They are so overwhelmed by their emotions that they cannot place themselves in another’s shoes.

Despite their arsenal of lethal weapons, emotional narcissists often present as incredibly charismatic, caring, conscientious individuals. If they want to, they can be the life of the party, with enough charisma to make Tony Robbins look like a caveman.

These traits make emotional narcissists VERY difficult to deal with; easily attracting partners and friends, only to cause untold damage when their emotions envelop them.

How to deal with narcissists

Now that we have a clearer understanding of both types of narcissist, let’s look at how we can best deal with them.

The most powerful and positive way to deal with narcissists is, don’t.

Interacting with a narcissist is like playing Russian roulette. Sooner or later, there will be blood.

But the reality is, you may already have an important (or unavoidable) person in your life with some of these traits. Maybe it’s your boss, family member or even your partner.

If you have identified someone in your life as a narcissist, you must first identify which of the two types they are to effectively deal minimize the risk of trouble.

Unless you want to be met with formidable fury, never, ever criticize an egotistical narcissist directly. Instead, try to ask questions and explain your problem in general, non-blaming terms; leading them to the outcome you are hoping for.

For emotional narcissists, it is critical to avoid “you” statements or questions. These will invariably be seen as an attack, and may be used against you later in the form of emotional blackmail. Be conscious and vigilant, making sure your communication cannot be taken as an attack.

Above all, understanding what they are going through is your salvation.

Understanding is everything

If you are dealing with a narcissist, understanding their limitations will help your relationship enormously.

Remember, they are not evil, they simply lack the tools to empathize and understand where you are coming from. It may be easy to resent and despise them for this, but ultimately remember that whatever you suffer, the cost to them is far, far greater.

Empathy; connection with others; might just be one of the greatest joys we have in life.

So take a moment, breathe, and put yourself in their shoes. Because you can.

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