The Subtle Art of Shutting Up
There’s value in knowing when to shut up.
You don’t know as much as you think you do, and at best your assumptions have inherent biases as well.
One of the best quotes I’ve seen on listening is from Doug Larson, who said: “Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you’d have preferred to talk.”
Talking is easy, listening is harder to do. Listening with the intent to understand is a skill that is rare but can be cultivated. It’s not a coincidence that you can make a very lucrative career from sitting down and listening to people.
You may have heard of the Active Listening technique first developed by Carl Rogers and Richard Farson. It gives us a good framework for you to supercharge your listening skills. Here are 5 things you should avoid if you want to become a better listener and ultimately, a better colleague and friend.
1. Avoid the Urge to Talk about Yourself
However well-intentioned, interrupting the other person to share about a similar experience you also had is not always helpful. All experiences are unique and more importantly, it’s not about you.
2. Don’t Finish Their Sentences
Some people are slow thinkers and talkers and the temptation may be to finish their sentences. Although you think this may show empathy, it doesn’t allow the other person the space they need to articulate their thoughts.
3. It’s More Than Words
Communication goes far beyond what a person says. In some cases, a person may actually be saying the opposite of what they mean to spare someone’s feelings. Body language plays a key role as well, look the other person in the eye but don’t stare. Nod your head when you agree with something, show that you’re listening.
4. Details Details
It’s helpful to note down little details for later in the conversation so you don’t interrupt them mid-flow. This allows you to ask questions later and also shows that you value what they are saying.
5. Be a Friend, Not a Guru
Easier said than done, especially when you have direct experience in something. Being a friend will allow you to help the person delve a little deeper by asking questions, rather than just offering advice that may or may not be helpful.
One of the most simple but effective things you can say is “tell me more about that.”
Originally published at https://betterthinking.co on August 19, 2020.
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