The Third Question

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month.

After posting my essay in February, the third most common question I received was: “Why didn’t you tell the police?” (The first of course being, ‘How are you doing?’ I’m doing well-ish. The second being, ‘Why didn’t you tell me/us/anyone sooner?’….. Will have to save that one for a longer discourse at another time)

This isn’t everyone’s story. But my story is this: At that time, I was someone who had never even gotten a speeding ticket (STILL HAVEN’T! * triumphant fist pump, momentary break in tense subject matter *). I was NOT about to go to an unfamiliar police officer and share the most personal, bodily secret about myself. I wasn’t even ready to put it into words.

Verbalization would make it real with A. anyone close to me and B. my own self. It’s a paralyzing, dark place to be in and I am in awe of people that are able to do it. Preservation of the status quo for my family/friends and trying to restore normalcy for myself was more important to me than justice back then. Emphasis on back then. Not to mention, I had no idea how to even begin reporting. I didn’t know what a “rape kit” was — did I need to go to Walgreens and buy this like a plan B thing? Do I just dial 911 and say, “Um… this happened?”

Let me be clear: I don’t mean to make light of what was actually a horrific train of thoughts at the time. I was truly that ignorant, upset, scared, and more than anything, ashamed. I’d received training on how to prevent rape from happening to a friend. I did not know how to begin dealing with the mental and physical aftermath of what had just happened to me. Lost at sea, no map, going in circles. All the metaphors.

Point: I wouldn’t make the same choice now, but I am also many years out of that initial moment.

Second point: There are a lot of amazing advocacy organizations that I wasn’t aware of at the time that everyone should be aware of now.

Third point: Again, this is just my story. There are many reasons why people do not report sexual assault.

Reporting sexual assault frequently goes viral only when the justice system or administrative body catastrophically fails the victim. Our “awareness” of sexual assault is so often entangled with stories where the victim is let down. Brock Turner. Baylor. The Catholic Church. My alma mater, Mizzou.

And yet, many individuals HAVE come forward, submitted to a rape kit examination, and in many cases, receive no follow-up.

It’s hard to fully focus efforts on the roots of the issue — (in my opinion) creating a consent-minded, respectful culture instead of telling would-be victims to be more careful, dress differently, etc. — when there is such a tragic mishandling of cases where individuals have bravely reported.