The Voice of My Soul in Dilemma

I am in my early twenties, and grew up in two different countries. In general, I don’t fall for people, because I am usually busy in improving myself. I am following my dreams and preparing myself to study hard and succeed. I recently met a girl at work. I like a lot, physically and mentally. We hanged out a little and I am always mesmerized by her beautiful simple smile. That smile makes life seem more lively than just a path to success.

Last time I met her, I noticed her light pink lips stretching, as she smiled, without having any make up. I thought about leaning in and kissing her lower lip. I also thought about holding her hand and reading her palms through my study of palmistry. Later as she left, I felt like asking her to dance with me. However, I did not do any of that because she is seeing someone. Why does this happen? Instead of learning and prepping myself for success in my career and life, why is my mind so distracted? Why do I wish she was single, when clearly my goal of a good career is in jeopardy?

As I am writing this, I have broken my daily schedule and postponed my work. If I look through the lens of my traditional heritage, I would tell and show how much I love her. If I never tell her and stay in my head, I will never find out if she has any feelings, however she is dating and is in a possible relationship. If I look at this from the perspective of modern dating, I should feel that she is taken and I would start dating other girls. Obviously there is always someone better.

Despite of this, why can’t I move on? Why am I stuck figuring out what to say to her before even talking to her? Why do I fantasize of us being involved romantically? Although I never thought about the girl I want to spend my life with, why do I feel like she’s the one? I hate this feeling because I am in dilemma of my next step. Should I just go deeper into the friend circle, or just tell her I like her, and risk never seeing or talking to her ever again?

I hate this feeling as much as I love it. I detest the fact that my mind is in chaos over a girl and I actually feel something about her, not just want her. Instead of making productive use of my time, I am wasting it on useless thoughts about a girl. I love this feeling because since my high school crush, I feel spontaneous than just having goals all the time. In USA, everyone is after their goals, but why am I after a girl who I may possibly never get?

I always trust my intuition than using logic. I know love is important in life especially since I have never seen my father for ten years and been away from my mom for a while. My parents have spent ten years staying away from each other in order to support me and my sister financially. Although I work myself during a college, I always feel that I need to improve myself to the best I can be before I see my dad again because I always missed having my dad at my ceremonies, and my first time through everything during my teenage years. I hope God can help me through this and guide me to what is in best interest for me. Sometimes I feel that I should go with the flow ad if something has to happen it will happen by itself, but this girl, I want something to happen. I read it’s all in your mind, but why have I attached myself to someone who now owns me unknowingly?

What are your thoughts