Three Dollar Omelet

Prudential Financial was hit pretty hard during the 2008 market crisis, and the Boston branch was no exception. The company was “downsized”, people were laid off and a new CEO was brought in to instill “austerity measures.” Perks such as carte blanche on the corporate credit card when traveling and elaborate lunches with clients were scaled way back. The company needed to project an image of frugality and its clients would not be happy about money being spent on frivolous bullshit. As one could imagine, not everyone at the company was happy about it.

In the high-riding hey-day of the early 2000’s, Prudential subsidized an Executive Cafeteria. Those of a certain position in the company could eat there for free. The meals were rather elaborate:chefs in white hats trimming meat from roasts of pork and beef, a buffet with every type of food imaginable, a huge salad bar, a dessert table…It made some of the execs experience a twinge of guilt, but most of them were able to put that aside as they stuffed their faces.

Frank Bellham loved the omelet bar. He would get to work half an hour early to have a freshly made omelet with cilantro, peppers and onions. He used to get bacon and cheese but his doctor had told him that his cholesterol was getting high and his wife was on him about his diet. He missed the bacon but the omelet was still out of this world. It was even more satisfying because it a sign of his status at Prudential.

Frank was a Portfolio Manager with Prudential. He handled millions of dollars for top clients, investing their money as he saw fit to make them even more money. It’s a high pressure job because the manager is making the judgement calls on investments which, if they fail, will lose money for the client. Clients do not like to lose money and are not interested in excuses. Nor are the higher ups.

Frank happened to be very good at his job and was well compensated, to the tune of about a million and a half dollars a year. Enough for him to afford a nice house in Dover, MA, a BMW for his wife and a Mercedes for himself, plus private school for the kids. His position also entitled him to perks such as the Executive Cafeteria and his free omelet.

Entitled is a word that applied to Frank rather well. He had grown up wealthy, with the privileges that are accorded to the wealthy. Skiing in Aspen, summer trips to Hawaii, Milton Academy for his education with other entitled teens, a vacation home at Cape Cod. Of course, his father had been a huge asshole who was verbally abusive and disinterested in his son’s life and his mother was an alcoholic. Consequently, Frank had a lot of anger issues to go with his entitlement. (Full Disclosure: none of the aforementioned has been verified but it’s probably true. He definitely has entitlement issues.)

When the memo went out from the new CEO, Stan Cartwright, that the Executive Cafeteria would no longer be supplying free food to the executives, Frank was not pleased. In fact, he was livid. Cost cutting? What was that shit? He made tons of money for his clients, and for the company and he couldn’t get a free omelet? It wasn’t his fault that the economy had taken a nosedive; he was doing his part. It didn’t matter, didn’t even occur to him, that he was well able to afford his own breakfast; it was the principle of the thing.

The memo stated that the cafeteria would continue to be subsidized but that the employees would have to incur some of the cost. Frank would now be required to pay three dollars for his beloved omelet. It felt like a betrayal.

Frank was not about to pay for something to which he was entitled. So he didn’t. Frank is a smart guy and he devised a system for getting his omelet for free. He would get it made as usual, place it on a counter near the door, pretend he had forgotten something, walk back through the food area, come around, grab his tray and slip out the door and into the dining room. Easy. And he felt justified. He wasn’t stealing; it belonged to him.

The powers that be at Prudential Financial didn’t quite see it that way. No one is really sure how long Frank got away with stealing omelets, but the cafeteria manager finally got wise. Since Frank is pretty high up the food chain in the company, the only superior the manager could tell was Stan, the CEO.

Stan didn’t like Frank. He thought he was an obnoxious asshole (which he was) and that, lately, his portfolios had not been performing well. Frank’s numbers seemed like a lot of smoke and mirrors and a few clients had voiced concerns that he wasn’t being forthcoming as to losses due to his investment decisions. Stan had been looking for a reason to call Frank out. Stealing omelets was not what he had had in mind but, so be it.

Stan decided to enlist the help of the cafeteria manager and the tech guys. They rigged up a camera above the counter as part of a sting operation to catch Frank stealing omelets. They filmed him for a week, performing his ruse and leaving with his unpaid for food. Then Stan called Frank in.

Confronting an employee with accusations of malfeasance is tricky. The administration needs to have all of its ducks in a row before any meeting can take place. There must be solid evidence before any punitive action is taken or a nasty lawsuit will ensue. Human Resources must be a part of any type of action, so Stan had Lisa Andrews, the Director of HR, with him when he called Frank in.

The following is a recorded transcript from the meeting on June 9th, 2015:

Present:

Stan Cartwright: Chief Executive Officer

Lisa Andrews: Director of Human Resources

Francis Bellham: Portfolio Manager

Stan Cartwright: Frank, we’ve asked you to meet with us today because of a concern that has been brought to our attention.

Francis Bellham: What?

SC: It has been brought to our attention that you have been stealing omelets from the company cafeteria.

FB: What? That is [expletive deleted] ridiculous!

Lisa Andrews: Now Frank, there is no cause for that kind of language.

FB: Bull[expletive deleted]! I come in here and you guys are accusing me of stealing food? And you’re gonna tell me about my [expletive deleted] language?

SC: Frank, we have video evidence of this. We’re not just hurling accusations.

FB: Video evidence! That is rich!

SC: We have it here on the laptop.

FB: Bull[expletive deleted]!

SC: If you will just look at the video…

FB: I’m not looking at that [expletive deleted] thing!

LA: Frank, I have seen the video and it is clearly evident that you are stealing the omelets. Now if we could just…

FB: This is [expletive deleted] ridiculous! All the money I make for this company and I’m getting [expletive deleted] for some [expletive deleted] omelets?

LA: It is a clear violation of company policy to take food from the cafeteria without paying for it.

SC: And we have the evidence.

FB: (inaudible)

LA: Excuse me?

FB: Fine! I took the [expletive deleted] omelets.

SC: Okay…

FB: All the money I make for this [expletive deleted] company and you’re telling me I can’t have an omelet? That’s just a kick in the [expletive deleted] teeth! You’re calling me in here for [expletive deleted] omelets? All the money I make!

SC: So you are saying that you took the omelets.

FB: Yeah, I took the [expletive deleted]omelets!

LA: Okay, Frank, what we are going to have to do at this time is inform you that this interview is over and we are going to move to sever our relationship with you.

FB: I’m being fired? Over some [expletive deleted] omelets?

LA: Frank, your language and attitude today have been very abusive and aggressive and totally inappropriate. That, in addition to the issue of the stolen food, is why we are moving to sever our relationship with you.

SC: It’s not appropriate, Frank. Your behavior calls into to question your judgement.

FB: This is bull[expletive deleted]! This is wrongful termination. I am going to file a [expletive deleted] complaint and I am going to hire a [expletive deleted] lawyer and I’m going to sue your [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] off!

SC: Well, that is certainly your right.

FB: Yeah, you bet it’s my [expletive deleted] right! This is going to cost you!

LA: Okay, we need to terminate the discussion at this time.

FB: Yeah, you…

End of audio.

Frank’s lawsuit never materialized. His co-workers speculated on what he must have told his wife when he got home. He wasn’t terminated for embezzling ten million dollars. He got fired for stealing omelets.

She might have said something like, “You got fired for stealing [expletive deleted] omelets! You dumb [expletive deleted]!”