Three tips for handling gender bias at work
For one reason or another, likely the presidential election had something to do with it, the topic of gender has recently made its way into broader social conversations. Some people — both men and women — are genuinely confused by this. I watch friends and family wonder aloud on my social media feeds and in my personal interactions why women suddenly see problems within their professional environments. To many of us career women, this is a lot less sudden than it seems. To some, it feels like a long time coming.
With this new conversation around gender bias, it’s become clear that none of us are all that well equipped to have it. Here are three thoughts that are helping me navigate.
1. Recognize that it’s about nuance and that nuance is tricky, but worth navigating for the benefit of us all.
From my personal experience, conversations about gender bias and discrimination in the workplace used to be discreet. We women in the office (the minority) used to take walks outside to wonder aloud about the small offenses we all felt and whether they stacked up to some inherent bias in the way we were viewed. We crowd-sourced our own experiences to try and separate genuine, unbiased commentary from the more careless conduct. We were looking out for our careers, our upward momentum and our reputations, so the last thing we wanted to do was overreact. But we didn’t want to be mistreated, either. It was challenging because gender bias today, unlike bygone eras, is less obvious than ass-grabbing (though that still happens)—these days it’s all about nuance.
Researchers in Sweden recently published their observations about the language venture capitalists use when evaluating investment proposals. The point of the study was simply to improve their decision-making processes, but what they ultimately stumbled upon was an insight about the compounding nuance of gender bias. They discovered that the words and phrases the venture group used to describe entrepreneurs were consistently dividable among gender lines. Key differences included that the perception of youth was viewed as promising for men, but registered as inexperience for women. Arrogance and aggression were impressive traits for men, while enthusiastic women were questioned for their emotional shortcomings. Cautiousness was seen as an asset for men but a weakness for women. Individually, these nuanced statements could be dismissible. When looked at collectively, they painted a broader picture — the researchers were able to build completely separate profiles for male and female entrepreneurs based on the language the venture group used to describe them. They perceived the impact of this bias on investment decisions to be problematic.
The current conversation about gender is frustrating because nuance is frustrating. I know some men who altogether avoid speaking to some women because they’ve been surprised by the subtlety of what offends her, and now feel insecure that they’ll say something wrong without intending to. I frequently hear this kind of statement, “I don’t know what I’ll say to offend her, so I just don’t talk to her at all.” They hold the burden of lingering discomfort around their daily conduct. I know some women who avoid certain men because they’ve had bad experiences and would rather altogether refrain from interacting than articulate their discomfort. They hold burden of either being able to perfectly describe how an incident sits in a greater context, or not saying anything at all so as not to risk damaging a relationship through misunderstanding. When women can’t talk about what offends them and men can’t inquire to better understand the impact of their behavior and how they might avoid it, the result is a breakdown in communication between the sexes.
The impact of this conversation, the trickiness of even just having it, can be divisive and detrimental to everyone — individually, socially, and therefore ultimately to the business. We’re navigating uncharted waters trying to address gender bias, so how do we collectively handle it?
2. Acknowledge incidents of bias, because acknowledgement can be powerful.
I was reminded of this the other day. I arrived late to a meeting and missed the introductions to a new vendor, so I dove right into presenting some edits to a proposal he’d sent. After accepting my comments, alongside those of my (male) co-worker, the vendor casually wondered aloud if I was a customer service rep. I lead a marketing function, so this was a little off-putting. I gaped at him and then did something lots of women do in moments like this; I performed a quick self-assessment of everything about the meeting. What exactly about my feedback, my tone of voice, my conduct or my outfit had registered as ‘junior level employee’ to him? My recovery was pretty fast and I did what I usually do, laughed and corrected him. Then I made a mental note to see if it still rubbed me wrong later.
My male co-worker and I left the meeting, and almost immediately he turned to me and said, “Dude, wtf.” Misunderstanding him, I told him I thought the proposal would be fine as long as he made all our edits. He stared at me blankly and then said, “No, I mean wtf was that comment?” He then went into what can only be described as a tantrum about how sexist and unacceptable he perceived that little dig to be. He was infuriated; I was shocked. I didn’t plan to mention the moment to him, nor to anyone for that matter.
Reactions like his are critical, because when you hear enough of those little comments you start to wonder if you’re just being overly sensitive. They build up; the term ‘death by a thousand cuts’ comes to mind. His simple acknowledgement of that situation was like a salve to one such cut. It not only validated for me that such comments are part of the larger mosaic of gender bias, it consequently made me feel more empowered to speak up constructively in the future. It grew the trust between us, which will in turn have a positive impact on our business.
3. If you are offended, own the burden of conversation by either doing it well or not doing it at all.
This one might be tough for some to hear, it’s a trade-off I’ve both witnessed and made regularly — to speak up or not to speak up, to have the conversation or not. Sometimes, when I get offended, I can articulate myself well and the result is bonding. Usually this takes a little time and distance from the incident. Often times, I’m not immediately in the right headspace and the result is divisive. I sometimes lob a knee-jerk ‘excuse me?’ to being called ‘honey’, ‘sweetie’ or a ‘girl’ (I’m in my thirties) by older men — though my incredulity is warranted, my tone puts them off. I usually regret that my delivery could have been much more elegant and have still gotten my point across if I had just taken a breath before reacting.
In my previous example, though it would have given me great satisfaction to confront the vendor for cutting me down in front of my co-worker like that, my initial reaction was anger and embarrassment — which generally doesn’t lead to constructive feedback. The meeting was ending, he was a new vendor, I didn’t have enough time to assess whether his comment was innocent, careless, or if he just felt entitled to bring me down. I kept my mouth shut, which was probably the right decision.
I was hanging out with another male co-worker the other day — he was having one of those, “I don’t know what I’ll say to offend her, so I just don’t say anything to her at all” moments. He asked me if he’d ever offended me (he hadn’t), and then curiously and somewhat skeptically asked if anyone ever really offended me. I told him about the vendor and our colleague’s surprising reaction. I explained the nuance — that these moments happen regularly and that sometimes they stack up. I told him there are moments when I’m overwhelmed by them and wonder if there will ever come a time when I don’t have to question if my gender is influencing the way people perceive my youth, my enthusiasm or my confidence.
It was a good conversation, a tricky one, but one worth having. Especially because I’d had about two weeks to figure out how to articulate it. In my opinion, two weeks to find the right words to represent the impact of gender bias to a co-worker whose relationship I value was more worth it than spouting off to a vendor I’d just met.
Whether you are male or female — whether you feel, witness or are skeptical about gender bias — your opinion matters and your frustrations matter. This conversation is tricky for everyone, for some more than others, but these issues exist and are therefore hard to avoid. If we collectively bring them into the open while treating them with care, we can make it toward something that feels like progress for the sexes. We’re headed that way anyway, so we might as well do it together.
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